There was an Old Man of Bohemia,
Whose daughter was christened Euphemia,
Till one day, to his grief,
She married a thief,
Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.
Could this be the trail that leads to your heart?
Where do killer whales go to get their braces?
The orca-dontist.
What do you call one green onion that doesn't listen to anyone and is very naughty? It is called a rapscallion!
I almost brought a screwdriver to the football game, but was stopped by security
They said that match-fixing isn't allowed.
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
There’s no trick in these pants.
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire
If a baby is born on a plane, i guess you could call it... airborn.
Why doesn’t an owl study for a test?
They prefer to wing it.
What do you call it when you spill your drink all over a piano?
Rag time.
Why should you bake bacon on an asteroid on its way to Earth ?
It's meteor.
Which type of wine only comes in a box?
Carbordeaux.
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
Linda-Lou Lambert Loves Lemon Lollipop Lipgloss.
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
My wife and I went to a turtle pun class yesterday.
It tortoise nothing.
Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
Up to snow good.
My cat kept jumping onto my desk.
I had to put him down.
What do you call a really happy ant?
Exuber-ant.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Damn.
Let me kiss you.
(Unknown)
Top 25 Funniest Duck Names:
1. James Pond
2. Quack Sparrow
3. Duck Norris
4 Quacks-a-Lot
5 Quackhead
6 Quacko
7. Quackers
8. Nutquacker
9. Quacker Jack
10. Quack Efron
11. Quack Black
12. Moby Duck
13. Quackula
14. Sir Duckington
15. Eggbert
16. Quackers
17. Duckleberry Finn
18. Quacker Jack
19. Lucky Duck
20. Cheese and quackers
21. Quaker Jack
22. Duckingham Palace
23.Waddles
24. Quackie Chan
25 Firequacker
What did the lamps do after their date?
They got turned on.
What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Loin
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
My history teacher was talking about mythical medieval creatures
Personally, I think the lecture was starting to drag on
What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?
A freelancer.
What do you call a reptile that works on a farm?
An irri-gator.
A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip. -- Billy Graham
In the eyes of the lawn.
Why did the lemon fail its driving test?
Because it kept peeling out
What is a deer’s favorite place to get breakfast?
Dunkin’ Doe-nuts!
A toast to you:
You always know how to make everything butter.
How do ghouls sign off a letter?
Best witches and worm regards.
I could’ve sworn I had your number. I guess you’re going to have to put it on my phone again.
What do horses use to eat?
Breastplates.
Shave a single shingle thin.
My love, you are the yin to my yang,
You’re the ice to my cream,
You are the pop to my corn,
You’re the day to my dream.
You are the honey to my bee,
You’re the sugar to my spice,
You are the sweet to my heart,
You’re the white to my rice.
Oh shoot, I’m so sorry!
I forgot you switched to a brown rice, low-carb, sugar-free diet!
Scientists believe that one day we will find Sasquatch, just...
Not Yeti.
Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane?
OsMoses.
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!
What is better than a physics joke?
A meta physics joke.
What did the cheese say to the other cheese? I smell something swiss-picious!
Which fish can perform operations?
A Sturgeon.
What concert costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback.
What do you call a Greek love song?
An Aphro-ditty.
What do you call cheese that is sad? Blue cheese.