Why did the skeleton start a fight?
Because he had a bone to pick.
Q: What does a dentist do during an earthquake?
A: She braces herself!
I am a huge fan of local cuisine, and cooking is my soup-er power!
I cannoli have eyes for you.
Me and my friend were going to a costume party. He told me he was coming as a small island off the coast of Italy.
I said don’t be Sicily.
Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.
"Beat it." — Michael Jackson, "Beat It"
I’m a fraction – be my other half.
For April fools my girlfriend replaced my alphabits with Cheerios.
I have no words to say how angry I am.
Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
What's a frog's favorite flower?
A croakus.
I swear I saw one of those mythical creatures somewhere in the bush; but when I came back, it was uni-gone.
Things don’t always pine out the way we want them to, but we can-nut give up!
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
What does Darth Vader say when he plays volleyball? May the spike be with you.
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. -- Robert Orben
Coming to Theaters: The thrilling tale of a man who cooked biographical books like turkey on Thanksgiving.
*Baste on a True Story...*
The painter wanted to feel the texture, so he buttered his toast with his fingers.
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
Normally my species is cold blooded, but around you I am hot blooded.
“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”
Roses are green,
Violets are blue,
I’m colorblind.
What kind of car does Yogi bear drive?
A Furrari.
What do you call a small Minotaur?
A Minitaur.
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
I tried to give the guy who came to clean our septic tank out a beer. He said, “I’m not the type of guy who drinks on the job.”
I said, “Yeah, you wouldn’t want you’re boss to catch you sh*t faced.”
The man next to her on the train spilled coffee all over her shirt. She responded by showing him dis-stain.
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
How do you know you’re in love with a flower?
Not a daisy goes by where you don’t think of them.
“I have a green thumb. Got it when I dumped out my kale smoothie.”
— John Wagner Maxine
How did the vineyard launch the new champagne making business?
They crashed a small boat into it.
Never date a Theater person...
... wayyy too much Drama...
What do you call a sausage that's been to the doctor? Cured meat!
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
What did the deer say when she wanted to be left alone?
“Doe away!”
You are the Renaissance to my Dark Ages, you light up my world.
"If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid."
— Rigel J. Dawson
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers
Camel called.
He wants his toe back.
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
After his teeth were cleaned, the werewolf ate the dentist.
What do you call it when cephalopods start becoming more strict about things?
Kraken down.
What's the difference between a pickle and a psychiatrist?
If you don't know, you ought to stop talking to your pickle!
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
“You’re not truly a parent until you’ve yelled at your kid for drinking fluid on a road trip because now they have to pee again.”
— Abe Yospe
Why do volleyball players join the military? They want to gain extra experience in the service.
Where does a dinosaur lay in the sun? At the dino-shore