My dog’s favorite band is The Beagles.
Can I get your number?
One call, that's all.
Fishing you a happy day.
Give me just a FRACTION of your heart and I will SOLVE all of your problems.
What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"
Who are the cousins of the werewolf?
What-wolf and When-wolf
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
How should you bury an onion?
... in a shallot grave!
My neighbor tried to charge me $20 to watch the eclipse from his balcony.
I told him that was daylight robbery.
Pardon me if I’m being pool-itically incorrect.
I like my coffee like I like my men: either tall or with a confusing Italian name.
What lives in apples and is an avid reader? A bookworm !
What's a bee's favorite hairstyle?
A buzz cut.
How did the baker cut four loaves of bread at the same time? By buying a four-loaf-cleaver.
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
What happened to the girl's phone when she was getting a perm done? She got a frizzy signal.
Are you a thief? Because you stole my heart.
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH!
Why did the pony turn himself in?
He felt rem-horse.
What do you call a sheep with a machine gun?
Lambo.
“I thought about losing weight once, but I don’t like losing.”
― Unknown
“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.”
– Markus Zusak
If you think I’m hot now, wait until you see what I turn into at midnight.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
What do you call a condiment with a hit single? a must"heard"
Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.
— Ogden Nash
Hey girl, are you looking for your knight in shining armor?
Well I just happen to be wearing the full armor of God.
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." —Alexander the Great
What kind of process is Marriage? A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
Come with me, let’s convert our potential energy into kinetic energy.
I feel like a Christmas tree when you talk to me because I light up.
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet?
Blood-thirsty hacker.
What is small, furry and brilliant at sword fights?
A mouseketeer!
Where does Google keep their ships?
In the Google Docs.
I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.
What did the insulted orange say to the kiwi? Ex-squeeze-me?
I bet we could do some good interval training together.
What fish only swims at night?
A starfish.
How was heaven when you left it?
How do ghosts stay fit? By exorcising daily.
A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
What is the name of Santa’s rudest deer?
Rude-olph.
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet. He simply goes "Boo!" and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.
Do you know a bakery around? Because I would like to purchase a sweet like you.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers
"I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny."