What does a posh salad shout before it's eaten?
KELP!
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
You must be from the cosmos because your body is heavenly.
What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
What’s a good winter tip?
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.
All you need is a little vitamin sea.
What’s green and pecks on trees?
Woody the Wood Pickle.
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
What did communists use before candles?
Electricity.
I'm having a sale in my bedroom. My clothes are 100% off.
Are you doctor recommended? Because I’d like to to get a Hailey dose
What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?
I'm so over you!
I told the artist that his painting was terrible. I think he got the picture.
What did parietal say to frontal?
"I lobe you."
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
Can you hold my gloves for me? I usually wear them by the fireplace, but you are way hotter.
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
Girl are we doing high altitude training because you just took my breath away!
Did you hear about the two silkworms that were in a race? They wound up in a tie.
What do you call an existential lycanthrope?
A whywolf.
We should make like the Soviet Union and split up.
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
What do you call a chair in a suit?
A tuxSEATo
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
You might be able to use a smuggled cell phone in prison.
You just have to have cell coverage.
"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead
There was an Old Man of Melrose,
Who walked on the tips of his toes;
But they said, 'It ain't pleasant,
To see you at present,
You stupid Old Man of Melrose.
Do you have a tan, or do you always look this hot?
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
While I was riding my bike, there was a big tropical storm. I decided to cyclone.
When doing laundry, the mother wolf accidentally fell into the washing machine. It became a wash and wearwolf.
What is the baby vampire's least favorite fast food establishment?
Stake n shake!
What’s the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
One has strings and the other has strangs.
What do gnome standup comedians call a tiny pun?
Puny.
We’ve got serious chemistry.
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.
That was thaw-some!
What do you say when you're having dinner with a skeleton? Bone appetit!
There are two types of people in this world: People who love chocolate and liars. A study says that chocolate may lower your chances of a stroke. That is, a swimming stroke, a golf stroke, a tennis stroke.
I love you berry much.
I dropped my steak into the fire.
Well done, me, well done.
The peach sports organization rended a commercial peach for a game of peach ball.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
Do you want to dance?
Yeah, sure.
Great, then I can sit there.
Fairies just spell trouble.
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
When you look really closely...
all mirrors look like eyeballs.