How about we go back to my place and form a covalent bond?
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
What is a three toed sloth's favorite kind of chip?
Fritos.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
If fish lived on land, in which country would they live? Finland.
Why is grass so dangerous? Because it is full of blades!
Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica? It's dread-full.
If you were a baseball and I was a bat would you let me hit?
Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Why don’t penguins fly?
They are not tall enough to be pilots.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
Be careful! Theres a deadly fruit on the loose
He has 7 charges of armed Strawbbery.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you going to let me in?.
What do you call leftover aliens? Extra Terrestrials.
"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." — David Lynch
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
My neighbor had way too many dogs.
It’s safe to say that he had a Rover-dose.
Flamingos are known by a different name when they dress up to go out – they call themselves glamingos.
Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane?
OsMoses.
What is the wealthiest nut ever?
“A cashooo.”
What do you call a bully on Halloween? A jerk-o-lantern.
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
They fired the loaf of bread from her job. They say that she kept breaking down and would rye on the job.
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
I squeezed a lemon on my wife's lap two hours ago...
She's been a sourpuss about it ever since.
My banana grandad got in an accident last year, he bruised like a peach!
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
Love the beach. Can I be any more Pacific?
Did the dinosaur take a bath ? Why, is there one missing?
What do you call two rabbits racing down the road? The fast and the furriest.
What’s the silliest name you can give a tiger?
Spot.
The forecast said that we’re in for a hot summer; better make sure I watermelon everyday or else the yard will dry up.
What was the owl’s favorite Whitney Houston song?
Owl always love you.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
Los Angeles International Airport should sell their own brand of laxatives called LAXatives.
Why were the kids throwing flour and bread at their school? They wanted to rise to the occasion.
Are you a drill sergeant? Because you’ve got my privates on high alert.
People who use sleeping bags in the woods are soft tacos for bears.
Why was the man who hung tennis equipment from his ears arrested?
He was found guilty of racket-ear-ring
Where do owls go on their honeymoon?
Their love nest.
Rory’s lawn rake rarely rakes really right.
I followed my heart to you.
What game do bats like to play with birds?
Bat-mington.
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
You wanna know who makes my life complete? Read the first word in this sentence.