Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
Where do squirrels go when they have a nervous breakdown?
To the nut-house.
What did the lighter color shade tell to its dark lover?
I want hue
How did cars walk on to Noah’s Ark?
4X4.
Hey, if you can’t take the heat, get out of your clothes.
Baby, you remind me of my spice cabinet - cuz you got a fine grind going on.
Are you a tower? Because eiffel for you!
I would like to take a moment and thank my eyeballs.
Thanks for looking out for me.
What animal could Noah not trust?
Cheetah
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
King Tut.
King Tut who?
King Tut-key fried chicken!
"I am a leaf on the wind... in bed."
- Firefly
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
Why are Me and China alike?
We both like to delete our history.
It was so hot that the bee's perm had become extremely unmanageable, so she turned into a frizzbee.
It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.
Roses are red
And you gotta go
Because I found out
That you is a ho.
If you can’t decide which side to take to Thanksgiving.
Bringing your side piece is guarenteed to cause drama.
What do you get when an Elephant sits on an Orange?
Orange squash.
Do truckers prefer houses with long-haul ways?
Where do cows go to celebrate New Years Eve? To a meat ball!
How does a vampire bat enter his house?
Through the bat flap.
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koalafications.
“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”
– Deirdre Sullivan
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
Why don’t crabs donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish
What did the flower do when she was challenged?
Rose to the occasion.
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
Why are people in big cities in Spain always dry?
Because the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
“How was your day? ” “It was a total disas-tater”
Why did the monster truck drive on the sidewalk?
Because he didn’t want to run over the chicken!
We like to paddy.
The lager you wait, the better it tastes.
What did the chicken do when his shop caught on fire?
He egg-xited..
Why did the banana go out with a lemon?
Because it couldn't find a date!
Q: How does a tiger move a boat?
A: He uses roars.
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
Knock Knock Who's there?
Pecan!
Pecan who?
Pecan somebody your own size!
An apple and an orange signed up for a tournament. No one was really surprised when they had both were seeded.
What happens when you cross an Australian dog and a Beatle?
Dingo Starr.
When Chuck Norris goes skydiving
the earth falls toward him.
The only thing sweeter than pumpkin pie is you, baby!
What nut is broken?
“A silly nut”
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
I always knock on the fridge before opening it.
Just in case there's a salad dressing.
What's more amazing than a talking turkey? A spelling bee!