Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?
Because then the kids have to play indoors.

Are you a dollar bill? Because you’re single.

“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen

Kicking off the afternoon in the best way possible

Just brew it!

"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"

What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.

Why did the neuron like to sleep in the top bunk bed?
It wanted to have a high resting potential.

What key on the keyboard is truly out of this world?
The spacebar.

I used to play triangle in a reggae band but I had to give it up. It was just one ting after another.

"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault

My sister asked me to hand her lipstick but i handed her a glue stick instead
She still won’t talk to me

Too bad my serve hit the tape. Well, at least they’ll LET me hit it again.

Erase erratic bat from your vocabulary because I am as functional as they come.

“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark

Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.

I can't get my wife to try Mediterranean food.
She doesn't like hummus, which is a naan-starter.

"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"

- Unknown.

What do you call a werewolf with a fever?
A hot dog.

What do you get if you cross a squirrel with an elephant?
An animal that remembers where it hid its nuts.

What’s the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
One has strings and the other has strangs.

Relationship status - table for one but drinks for two.

Did Dick Pickens prick his pinkie pickling cheap cling peaches in an inch of Pinch or framing his famed French finch photos?

“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley

Why do all kids want to be an astronaut?
Because there is no pressure.

What do you get if you cross a werewolf and a pet dog?
A terrified postman.

I visited Spain and couldn't stop looking at the architecture
It was very Moorish.

What is the name of the Hollywood movie that stars an "outlaw" brain and an "outlaw" woman on a road trip?
Thalamus and Louise.

The people upstairs all practise ballet
Their living room is a bowling alley
Their bedroom is full of conducted tours.
Their radio is louder than yours,
They celebrate week-ends all the week.
When they take a shower, your ceilings leak.
They try to get their parties to mix
By supplying their guests with Pogo sticks,
And when their fun at last abates,
They go to the bathroom on roller skates.
I might love the people upstairs more
If only they lived on another floor.

The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.

“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous

Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.

I've just invented a new Canadian beer
It's a form of I.P.Eh

“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer

Why is Pegasus so smart?
He’s all kno-wing.

Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.

Is your name Faith?
Because you're the substance of things I've hoped for.

What did the Easter Bunny say to its partner? We make one egg-celllent couple.

"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno

What does the watermelon say to its girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? – “You are one in a melon!”

It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.

Whenever someone wishes me to say "Happy Winter," it always leaves me cold.

How do you know flowers are capable of kissing?
They have tulips.

My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.

"The Legs Are Last To Go"

Aunt Ruthie used to sing and dance
a jolly way to find romance
she said one thing that you should know

“The legs are last to go”
“The legs are last to go”

She’d sing her praises right out loud
and wear her stockings high and proud
she still had much that she could show

The legs are last to go

The years roll by and beauty fades
and yet her gams, she still parades
she’s 83 and don’t cha know
her legs were last to go

Her legs were last to go.


– Mike Gentile

What do you call a shark that can’t stop singing “U Cant Touch This?”
An M.C. Hammerhead.

"Do I love you? My god, if your love were a grain of sand, mine would be a universe of beaches."
— William Goldman, The Princess Bride

What’s happens to the sportiest horse?
It gets to be first horse-pick of the draft.

You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.

What do you call bacon with salt on it?
Salt and Peppa.