The bartender asked the pirate, "Is that a ship's wheel sticking out of your pants?"
The pirate replied"Aye! It's driving me nuts!"
Hey kids! I went back in time and formed a British 80s pop group called The Vaccine!
And now The Cure is no longer necessary!
The weather outside is snow joke.
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike.
It's a vicious cycle.
Where do bananas go to learn to be sweet?
Sundae School.
Every December, I really like making an emulsion of egg yolks, melted butter and lemon juice.
So its guaranteed to be a Happy Hollandaise
My writer buddy went to buy a new boat...
He named it Penman-Ship.
My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.
Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.
Why was the book of incantations useless?
Because the author failed to do a spell-check.
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
"Dog and Pony Show"
Come see our dog and pony show.
there is no better place to go.
The dog wears ties, the pony, pants.
They both stand up to sing and dance.
The hoof and paw an old soft-shoe.
They harmonize the whole time through.
They raise their hats and take a bow.
Was this a show? I’ll say, and how!
– Denise Rodgers
Why do dwarves live in mountains?
They dig it.
Are you from heaven? because you seem like an angel to me?
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
"Better to keep silent and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
- Abraham Lincoln
As a Brit, I can't get into American football
They rugby the wrong way.
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
It’s impossible to Rouen a trip to France.
I almost got in trouble because I tried to talk to someone in the same room as me over the phone...
...It was a close call.
Did you hear about the hairdresser? She dyed.
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
I have an exciting new job as an explosives engineer blowing up mountains for tunnels and roads.
It's Groundbreaking work.
why are the discarded papers that once held the halloween candy just like vocalists who have lost their rhythm, art, and poetry?
they are both empty rappers
You must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet.
"Don't ever think I fell for you, or fell over you. I didn't fall in love, I rose in it."
― Toni Morrison, Jazz
Why did the computer come with airbags?
In case it crashed.
What is the most sophisticated class of bread?
The upper crust.
How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his women—all ground up.
What did the little mountain say to the bigger mountain?
Hi, Cliff!
Where should you call if you find a bad cheese shop?
The feta business bureau.
“I have to excercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."- Marsha Doble.
I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
I decided to add a water fixture to my backyard...
... it's going well
I used to have a scuba diving business
But it went under.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
What do you call a cat from Italy?
Spacatti.
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
What do you call a skeleton who hangs out in coffee shops and listens to indie music?
A hip-ster.
Are those space pants? Cause your ass is out of this world.
What does a real estate agent from Seychelles specialized in beachfront properties do?
She sells Seychelles by the seashore.
My physics teacher asked, “So why is v-naught 0?”
I replied, “y-naught?”
How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code
My peach friend shaved for the first time the other day, he looks like a nectarine!
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
While cutting the onions, my eyes were leek-ing tears
Why should you you stand on the service line? So that you can order ice cream.