You brighten up my day just like the anti-fog spray for my goggles.
What did the happy realtor say to his client after making the deal?
He said, "Well, all's well that dwells well."
What type of cat lives under the sea? A purr-maid.
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
Your sweater must be made out of wife material.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Want.
Want who?
Want, who ... three, four, five!
Sorry, I’m going to have to ask you to leave. You’re making the other girls look bad.
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
Where do you smart hot dogs go?… On the honor role.
What happened to the renegade donuts?
They went down in a glaze of glory.
What did the mummy say to the zombie?
- Stop ragging on me!
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
The tiger ran away from other tigers as they were rude to him. He didn't want to be involved in a catfight.
What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?
I'm a cashew!
When is a vegetable also a nut?
When it’s a corn!
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...
Badum chhh
If my love were music, you'd be the most beaituful lyrics in the songbook
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
Where does a cow hang his best paintings? In a moo-seum, of course.
What did baby corn say to Mama corn?
Where's Popcorn?
Recently, my friend had his ankle bone crack.
I told him he shouldn't be so broken up over it.
How do fish get from place to place while playing golf?
With a golf carp,
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
Why was the little bee sent to bed without supper?
Because he wouldn't beehive.
What's the best way to talk to a Tyrannosaur ? Long distance!
What will you get if you cross an ice bear and a running tiger? Frostbite.
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils!
Girl, are you a train? Because I choo choo choose you.
Do you know where you take a sick squid?
To the doctopus.
That romantic cow took his new girlfriend to the moo-vies.
How does a car begin telling you bad news?
‘I hate to brake it to you…’
I wish I was your coronary artery so that I could be wrapped around your heart.
There was a Young Lady of Tyre,
Who swept the loud chords of a lyre;
At the sound of each sweep
She enraptured the deep,
And enchanted the city of Tyre.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
A cross-eyed teacher can't control his pupils.
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
Why did Jesus ask Judas to crave the turkey?
Beause he knows he likes stabbing others in the back.
Why wasn’t the little pumpkin allowed to swim?
There was no life gourd on duty!
That’s a-may-zing!
What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
Where does Sasquatch store his stuff while he's out on a hike?
In a big footlocker.
What’s yellow and swings from cake to cake?
Tarzipan.
What do you get when you cross Frosty with a baker?
Frosty the Dough-Man!
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
Why are trees the best frenemies? They are great at throwing shade.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Two 4's.
Two 4's who?
No need to make lunch we already 8.
What a great match!..I hope when you see my message you don’t give it Ah-big-ail no and leave me hanging