"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
Why are hot dogs angry? Because they are always getting roasted.
There was a young fellow named Hall,
who died in the spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a bad thing,
had he died in the spring,
but he didn't — he died in the fall.
How is Big Foot so good at rock climbing?
He always finds the biggest footholds.
Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
“At some point in life, the world’s beauty becomes enough.”
Accidentally ran over a French seal today .
Phoque.
How many volleyball referees do you need to screw in a light bulb? None because they are always in the dark.
Did you see the award-winning movie about a hot dog? It was an Oscar wiener!
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
Heya, howl you doin'? Yikes, sorry, that was a ruff start.
Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains? Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
What do you call a blind dinosaur? adoyouthinkhesaurus.
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.
"I've found some bunny to love."
He knew literally everything about the constellations. Some might even say that his knowledge of the night sky was astronomical.
Why don’t anteaters get sick?
Because they’re full of antibodies.
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
The color of the sky can help in predicting the weather. It gives a fair report of the hue-midity.
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
Steven Wright
I love you from my head tomatoes.
Are you a train? Because I want to be the light at the end of your tunnel.
Blue jeans are immortal. They never die, they just fade away!
A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?
Schizophrenia
Don't send our invitations to a viking themed wedding until the date is set in stone
Or they'll be runed
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
What do you call a gray animal with big ears and a large trunk?
A traveling mouse.
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
What month always asks questions and permission?
May!
Is there something in your eye? Oh, wait, it's just a sparkle.
Q: What do you call a row of 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
Farmers were in an all out war to decide which vegetable they would plant
It was resolved with a Peas Treaty.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
Betty Botter bought some butter but, said she, the butter’s bitter.
If I put it in my batter, it will make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter will make my bitter batter better.
So she bought some better butter, better than the bitter butter,
put it in her bitter batter, made her bitter batter better.
So ‘t was better Betty Botter bought some better butter.
What did the vegetable say at the party?
Lettuce turnip the beet!
"Love the wine you're with."
What is a pink bird's favorite kind of dance? Flamenco.
Why was the Pirate sad when his parrot left him?.
It gave him the cold shoulder.
You must be Gisele Bundchen’s twin sister. You know the one no one talks about because she’s more beautiful than Gisele.
What kind of tea do babies drink? Tit Tea.
What's a doctor hope to gain from a urine test?
Whizdom
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."
It’s your birthday, there is no cure,
Cakes and candles, you must endure,
Quick and painless, let me assure,
A tiny chance, you will be mature,
With this crowd, usually secure,
Random fun, with results obscure,
Liquids we drink, definitely pure,
Goofy friends, minds we tour,
Hilarious birthday, that’s for sure.
(Martin Dejnicki)
"Just looking on the sunny side."