What can you serve but never eat? A volleyball.
What do you call a dollar bill frozen in ice?
Cold, hard cash!
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
The local zoo just started a recycling collection program to support its mission: 'When you bring in one can, you can save Toucans.'
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
Did you know Davy Crockett had three ears?
A left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier.
Why did the ghoul bury the trophy?
Because he wanted it engraved!
Hay girl, I'd like to have a stable relationship with you!
Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
I'm starting a death metal band for people with Celiac's Disease
We're called "Gluten for Punishment."
The best part of astrology is reading your daily horror-scope.
You elevate checking out to a mystical event worthy only of gods and champions.
Which side of a penguin has the most feathers?
The outside.
"No one betrays a Gemini and gets off without a sound ear-bashing."
— Richard MacDonald
How do you know when a cheese is full of himself?
Whatever you say, he’ll say he is feta.
There was an Old Person of Basing,
Whose presence of mind was amazing;
He purchased a steed,
Which he rode at full speed,
And escaped from the people of Basing.
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
French onion soup.
How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb?
FORE!
You shift my emotional oxy-hemoglobin saturation curve to the left! Easy to bind, hard to let go...
Q. What did one artistic colored pencil say to another?
A. Bro, you are lookin' sharp today!
Emo bunnies just do not carrot all.
What is soap's favorite brand of beer?
Sud-light
Summer is just floating by.
In every corny joke,
There is a kernel of truth.
For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot
I heard there are some fires near Greece
We’re gonna need a lot of baking soda.
Why did Immanuel Kant lend his machine gun to forces plotting a military coup?
Because he willed that his Maxim could make a general rule.
Did you overstay your visa? Because you got 'fine' written all over you
Where did the Flopper work in the offseason? At Dominik's Hat-Check.
What did the weather reporter say to his wife?
“I hope it doesn’t rain, deer!”
If you were a sentence, I'd be the punctuation mark because I'd always follow you no matter what.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
My friend always sleeps with his head on a bag of rice
He said it was a type of pilau.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
Cows don’t make very good cops. They refuse to go on steak outs.
Where do horses buy groceries?
Whinny-Dixie.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
My friend claims he works in a soap factory, adding a key ingredient to the process...
He's a lye-er.
It's just a lot of croc 'n' roll.
What is Tom Hanks' favourite soft cheese? Philadelphia.
Where does Google keep their ships?
In the Google Docs.
What do apres-ski participants in white-out blizzard conditions eat for lunch?
Icebergers. BRR!
Wife: I’m sick and tired of your obsession with golf!
Husband: Why, is it driving a wedge between us?
Take off all your cloves.
Digging trenches during the middle ages was seen as a great honor because it showed someone's shovelry!
I wanted to buy a book on Albert Einstein's theories but it was on the top shelf...
It's information that's way over my head.
Honey! I know this can be a bit cheesy, but you will always have a big pizza my heart.