Whenever the peach father gets mad at his son, he just screams loudly: “You are the son of a peach!”
I Ecuador you.
The heavier you are the more people are attracted to you
At least in physics.
Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.
What sound does a Greek cow make?
"μ"
Why do turtles never forget?
Because they have turtle recall.
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
What trees do ghouls like best?
Ceme-trees!
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.
My son asked me, what’s a Greek urn?
I said, “about 20 drachmas a day.”
Boy: Want to hear a joke?
Girlfriend: Sure.
Boy: Our relationship.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
It’s so cold walruses were visiting the hardware store in search of more insulation.
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that bastard's reflection.
Lady Gaga
Where does Snowy the snow man hide his money?
In a snow bank.
What is red and not good for your teeth?
A brick.
Help!!! There's nobody steering this yacht!!
Don't worry. It's on yachtopilot.
What does a meditating egg say?
Ohmmmmmmmlet.
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
If a monkey has thirty bananas in one hand and forty bananas in the other hand, what does he have?
Very big hands.
"There are no gardening mistakes, only experiments."
— Janet Kilburn Phillips
What goes white black white black white black red?
A panda that falls from a cliff.
Why doesn’t anyone like to hang out with crackers?
Someone always cuts the cheese.
You be the battery, I’ll be the aluminum foil and together we’ll light up the world.
Are you a virus? ‘Cause I think you’re taking control over my body.
What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck...
It was a camel tow
What did the tree tell the drill? You bore me.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” —Redd Fox
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
I've never understood the fashion industry, those people are so clothes-minded.
What's green and swims in the sea?
Moby Pickle.
You mermake me happy.
What do you call a werewolf that can’t decide what to wear?
A what-to-wear-wolf.
What’s the most expensive kind of fish?
A gold fish.
How does Big Foot find his way through the deepest darkest forests?
He just follows the big footpath!
Strawberries have berry good eyesight because they are packed with a lot of Vitamin See.
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
What do you call a person who illegally delivers hugs from country to country?
An international snuggler
What did the Hollywood film director say to the young neuron that wanted to be an actor?
"Hey kid, you've got potential."
What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
Theatre - the one place it doesn't pay to read between the line.
Rhys watched Ross switch his Irish wristwatch for a Swiss wristwatch.
Why did the tectonic plates break up?
It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
My son's has never really had much of an appetite.
But suddenly today he's eaten a dozen Kinder eggs whole.
He's full of surprises.
What is a witch's favorite makeup?
A ma-scare-a.