What is a ghost’s favorite carnival ride? The rollerghoster.
God was just showing off when he made you.
Can I be your next varietal?
Rain doesn’t fall. Raindrops.
When is a pumpkin not a pumpkin? When you drop it; then it's squash!
If coloured caterpillars could change their colours constantly could they keep their coloured coat coloured properly?
Why did the fairy play football?
Because she was fairy sportable!
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
Is your name Google? Because you've got everything I'm searching for.
"Lose an hour in the morning and you will spend all day looking for it." — Richard Whately
Up until now, I always thought that all the cool mice would get together and live in my mousepad. Now when I know the truth, I feel quite broken.
"I took a gamble and chose you, now i believe I made a bad bet."
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
I recently went to a soft fruit party, where all the food was berry based. It was cherrific.
I had a bet on a giraffe race yesterday but my selection lost.
It was nowhere near winning – it lost by a neck.
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
What did the rabbit say to its wife? No bunny compares to you.
You knead me in your loaf. This one kind of works, but loaf is just a little too different from life.
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
What did the diamond say to its friend copper? Nothing, silly, minerals don’t talc!
Girl: "Babe I'm pregnant you're the father."
Guy: "Can't fool me it's April's Fools Day!"
Girl: "Haha! got me! You're not the father."
The sun is mad at the clouds because the clouds keep throwing shade.
What do you call a healthy dinosaur? Tea-Rex.
You’re the Higgs boson particle of my life… Because without you, my universe wouldn’t “matter.”
What did the flower write in his mother’s day card?
I’m proud to be orchid.
Why won’t the mushroom buy a couch? - He prefers toadstools.
What is the pineapple’s relationship status? Pineapply married.
What is a teddy bear’s favorite Thanksgiving food?
Stuffing!
Where can you find a bunch of clowns who deserve to be in jail? Silly Con Valley.
What fish like to fly?
Flying Fish
What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...
Are beavers the best builders in the animal kingdom? Dam right they are.
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.
I was astonished when my shirt's color changed from red to pink after a wash. Guess it showed me its true colors.
What's the wind's favourite colour?
Blew
What is Romeo and Juliet's least favorite fruit?
Can't- elope!
If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...
... Then Soviet.
What element is derived from a Norse god? Thorium.
Are you a member of a Girl Scout? Girl: No. Boy: Then why you knew how to tie my heart into knots?
I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
How do you leave any building in Spain?
You "follow salida lida lida..."
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her
Why did the sapling go to the doctor’s office? He was feeling a little green.
Which word can be used to describe a peach that is surprised, shocked, or angry with strong emotion? – Speachless!
I own a big fat cat-
The fattest for miles around.
Wherever there's lots of food,
That's where he'll be found.
He's really good at eating.
It's a talent, I suppose.
I'm sure if he keeps at it
He'd win the talent shows.
I own a big fat cat-
He weighs at least a ton.
He couldn't run to save his life.
Yes, he isn't much fun.
His favourite room's the kitchen.
(I'm sure we all know why.)
He eats just about everything,
So that's why, with a sigh...
I'd like to tell you, Teacher,
I'd like to tell you straight,
I might have "accidentally" dropped
My homework in his plate.
(By Christian M. Mitewu)
Did you hear about the aspen who fell for the loggers’ scam? The copse wood not believe she fell for it.
Baby I'm gonna teach you what love's all about tonight
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."