Did you know you can fit 30 bananas in a kangaroo’s pouch?
Also, I’m not allowed at the zoo anymore.

Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.

What do you call someone who acts like a piece of fish poop?
A bassturd.

"My Doggy Ate My Essay"

My doggy ate my essay.
He picked up all my mail.
He cleaned my dirty closet
and dusted with his tail.

He straightened out my posters
and swept my wooden floor.
My parents almost fainted
when he fixed my bedroom door.

I did not try to stop him.
He made my windows shine.
My room looked like a palace,
and my dresser smelled like pine.

He fluffed up every pillow.
He folded all my clothes.
He even cleaned my fish tank
with a toothbrush and a hose.

I thought it was amazing
to see him use a broom.
I’m glad he ate my essay
on “How to Clean My Room.”

– Darren Sardelli

What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.

What did the therapist say to the pineapple? Look on the bright side.

What do you call a tiger who always gets the same grades as one other person? A tie-ger.

People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.

My mother told me to leave the peach cobbler alone on the table. But I couldn't help but watch the cobbler make the beautiful peach shoes.

This love feels like floating endlessly in outer space and looking for your pretty lost smiles.

The only thing sweeter than pumpkin pie is you, baby!

How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped

They can’t read it, it’s on a need-to-gnome basis.

Snow on and snow forth.

I felt so guilty after I stepped on that worm this morning. You should have seen it, it looked genuinely crushed.

As a baseball player, I know my way around the bases.

What do you say to an avocado who’s done a good job?
“Bravocado!”

Living in france must be hard
I mean, 100 dollars is only a cent.

Two monkeys are high up in the tree.
One turns to the other and says, “Oooo ooo aah aahh!!”
The second monkey says, “Well put some cold water on it then!"

I got a valentine from a pickle today...
It meant a great dill to me.

Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley

You’re the queen of my heart.

What is the only time you start at the red and stop at the green?
“When you eat a watermelon!”

What do you call a giant gorilla with pean u t butter in one ear and Jam in the other?
Anything you want, he's not going to hear you!

Why was the math lecture so long?
The professor kept going off on a tangent.

Why are bones so calm?
Nothing gets under their skin.

What do you call it when the axe in your hand falls on your feet.
An AXEIDENT.

Anyone who is born in a car and dies outside is known as car born die oxide.

What do you call a troll that’s in charge?
In control.

After I show a peach the way, it says: “I really ap-peach-iate your help!”

What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.

What do you get when a duck bends over?
It’s Buttquack

My boss accused me of "acting the monkey" at work.
I almost choked on my banana.

Are you a high jumper? Because you make my bar go up.

What do you do if someone rolls their eyes at you?
Roll them back.

What's a flowing water with living organisms called?
A livestream.

"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin

What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.

I yam always very happy to eat sweet potatoes.

"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King

Three tomatoes are walkin' down the street.
Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato.
Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato gets really angry.
Goes back and squishes him and says: "Ketchup."

Get me some cooling aloe gel, because you are making me as hot as a sunburn.

I know why Solomon had 600 wives, because he never found you.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.

This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.

But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

What do you call a group of penniless Viking grave diggers?
The poor norsemen of the necropolis.

I went to a theater performance done on a bunch of dictionaries the other day...
It was a play on words.

We're donion rings.

If you think chewbaccas hairy just wait till you see my wookie.

Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.

My dad just told me something that sent a chill down my spine.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”