Draw me like one of your French ghouls.
What is the best way to make gold soup? By adding 22 carrots in it.
Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?
She had power and time but didn't get the work done.
I'm a proverbs 32 kind of guy and you're a proverbs 31 kinda woman.
What kind of donuts fly? Plain ones!
I can't imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion.
Ireland is pitcher perfect.
What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire?
Dracowla.
Hi! Tell me a funny story about your dog. I know you've got one.
What do police officers do when they are on the volleyball court? They serve and protect.
If cheese were downloadable, then I'd try to throw my hard drive as far as possible.
What I'm saying is, I'd chuck e-cheese.
What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly? It barked with de-light!
Could I get your number so I can take you out to dinner Anna movie?
How do you make an Octopus laugh?
With tentacles!
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
Oof – is the Erin here really fresh or is that just you?
Did you hear about the man chopping an onion with the Grim Reaper?
He was dicing with death
Babe, your beauty throws me off-beat
Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.
What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music!
Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
Why don't gnomes tell secrets in the garden?
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears. Plus, the beanstalk!
If you go out with me, I promise I won’t take you for granite.
How many prison guards does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just beat the room for being black.
If volleyball were easy, they would call it football.
Q: What kind of desserts does a turkey like?
A: Peach gobbler.
What did the metamorphic rock say during the test? This is too much pressure!
Did you know that humans started out as peas? That's why we're called homosa-pea-ns.
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
Who never minds being interrupted in the middle of a sentence? A convict.
Honey, I need you to cancel my subscription. I’m done with your issues.
What do you call a broke santa? Give up yet? It's Saint-NICKEL-LESS.
Why do your heart, liver and lungs all fit in your body?
Because they are well organized.
Your gravitational pull is irresistible!
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
Q. Will a sensible stag do something dangerous to impress a doe?
A. No, not even on a deer.
What do you get when you use a cookie cutter shaped like a deer? Cookie doe!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you
What do you call a problematic person with a gun?
A troubleshooter.
What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa?
A rockstar!
What do you call memory loss in a parrot?
Polynesia
What kind of candy is never on time? ChocoLATE
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Mikey.
Mikey who?
Mikey doesn’t fit in the keyhole.
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
I'm a good basketball handler, what about you?
What do you call a dinosaur with a foul mouth? Bronto-swore-us.
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
The only thing hotter than today is you.
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley