I asked the Korean grocer for something to spice up my meals, but I think I got a raw dill.

“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr

How do zombies introduce themselves?
- Pleased to eat you.

Well, there are mixed reviews. People say the food is great. But there is no atmosphere or ambience.

Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?
Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.

"Messy Room"

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater's been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or--
Huh? You say it's mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!

– Shel Silverstein

Are you the flags in a 200 back swim? Because I’ve been looking for you forever.

You know what they say... Big Feet.

Seth at Sainsbury's sells thick socks.

What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I really lava you!

What do you call a bunny who was raised in a hotel? An inn-grown hare.

What do you call somebody who's addicted to trimming hair?
A clipptomaniac!

Why do trees like to watch Star Trek? They really relate to the Captain’s log.

“You’re always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.”
– Diane Von Furstenberg

Did you hear about the broadcasters in the aeroplane?
They're on air now

"I believe that the good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street."
Neil Armstrong

I’m no geometric genius, but all love triangles soon turn into wreck-tangles.

I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.

How come an owl turns his cell phone off at night? So he doesn't get any hooty calls.

I like big punts and I cannot lie

What did the cornfield say when it heard rain coming?
That’s music to my ears!

What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.

You have a body like the North Star. Wise men will follow it.

A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No

A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.

What is a vampire who loves eating strawberry jam called? A jampire.

What do you call a dinosaur who sat on a cactus?
A megalo-sore-ass.

What do you do when you try to bake a cherry pie for the first time and it doesn't turn out so well? Just wait for the second bite of the cherry.

Where do bugs go to watch the big game? Apple-Bees.

“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen

When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.

There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.

“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.

Summer went swimmingly this year.

What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

What type of a computer does a horse like to eat? A Macintosh

You must be peanut butter because you're making my legs feel like jelly.

Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"

The best place to search for information about witches is wicca-pedia.

What position does a ghoul play on the soccer team?
Ghoulie!

I saw you and I pictured us as swans, we could mate for life.

Why does salt make everything taste better
Because it's sodi-yummm!

“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Gladys
Gladys who?
Gladys Friday, finally the weekend starts!

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ben
Ben who?
Ben knocking on this door all morning, let me in!

"Stop and smell the rosé."

What do you call a luxurious ant?
Decad-ant.

What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? A Diplodocus with a sore throat!

What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.

Don't worry, the Corona Virus won't last long... It was made in China.