Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
A detective was interviewing the victim of an assault.
The victim described the assailant as a leather box with a handle on it. The culprit was arrested 30 minutes later.
It was a brief case.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
What do you get when you put four ducks in a box?
A box of quackers.
How much pot, could a pot roast roast, if a pot roast could roast pot.
What do you call a chameleon that can't change colors?
A reptile dysfunction.
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
What’s Thanos’ favorite app to talk to friends?
Snap chat.
“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown
Which fish is the most famous? The starfish.
It’s so cold kids are using a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pajamas haven’t thawed out yet!”
What is a strawberry that likes to spin called? A berry-go-round.
What color socks do bears wear?
They don’t wear socks, they have bear feet.
What’s an ig?
A snow house without a loo!
Are you an angle? Because you're so acute.
Preheat the oven of love
With plenty of secrets and hugs
Mix in giggles and laughs
That make your sides split in half
Bake with the love and care
And all the things you both should share
Decorate with the frosting of trust
This is really a must
Enjoy the cake do not eat it fast
Just like your new love make it last.
(Anonymous)
Because it was so foggy at my father’s funeral, he was buried in the wrong plot.
It was a grave mist-stake.
There are lots of funny jokes about mushrooms that can give you stitches. However, you need to be patient enough because they need time to grow on you.
What do fruit bowls say when they dress up as a ghost on Halloween? Be cherry afraid!
Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”
Needless to say I was in stitches.
I don’t play soccer but you’re my goal.
If you want a loyal marriage, get hitched to a basketball player. He will never pass you, rather he will keep you all to himself.
I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Kenya
Kenya who?
Kenya guess who is it?
Why did the Buddhist gorilla get locked out of his monastery?
He forgot his monk-key
What do you call a luxurious ant?
Decad-ant.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
In the eyes of the lawn.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
How'd you like to go on a long romantic walk on the treadmill?
There once was a girl named Sam
Who did not eat roast beef and ham
She ate a green apple
Then drank some Snapple
Some say she eats like a lamb.
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
I was getting a record player down from a shelf and it dropped on my head!
But it didn't effect me
It didn't affect me
It didn't affect me
It didn't affect me...
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
Why did the cherry go to the good drinks factory? It was cordially invited.
How do the New England Patriots eat their soup? In a Super Bowl.
If you were a jack-o'-lantern, I'd totally light your candle.
Water you doing, my friend?
The ghost scared all the boys who ventured into the haunted house and then varnished into the almirah!
My gay lover asked me if date night was optional.
I said no, it's a mandate
I have a beer snob friend with Photophobia. He hates natural light.
Watson: Holmes, What kind of rock is this?
Holmes: Sedimentary, my dear Watson.
What kind of car does an otter drive? A Furrari.
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
What kind of luggage did the vulture bring on the flight?
Carrion.
Are you bad WiFi?
Because I'm feeling no connection here.
You brighten up my day just like the anti-fog spray for my goggles.