Black and white
Thick and furry
Fast as the wind
Always in a hurry
Couple of spots
Rub my ears
Always comes when his name he hears
Loves his ball; it's his favorite thing
What's most fun for him? Everything!
Great big tongue that licks my face
Has a crate, his very own space
Big brown eyes like moon pies
He's my friend till the very end!
(Abby Jenkins)
Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? No haunting license.
"Love the wine you're with."
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
How do you spot a deer behind you? With hind-sight!
What do you call a dad joke about skeletons?
A skele-pun!
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
A young slice of bread came up to his crush. He told her that he was really falling in loaf with her.
It feels great to hit the ball again. It spin a long time.
Where do penguins go to the movies?
At the dive-in!
I know, I’ll never have a chance with you but will you give me a chance to hear an angel talk?
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
What is a plug’s favorite chant at a sporting event?
CHARGE!!
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
What did Delaware? a New Jersey
My friend pointed at a chandelier and said: "isn't that the coolest chandelier ever?"
I replied: "I don't know if it's the coolest, but it's up there."
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
What do you call a parrot with an umbrella? Polly unsaturated.
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
History. History. Did I just rewrite history?
What does the like to parrot wear to the beach? A beak-ini!
What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous
Why couldn’t the cat read a book? He was il-litter-ate!
How does a vampire keep fit?
Batminton.
How do you catch a rich squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a cashew.
The skeleton was scared of going skiing, he didn’t want to wrist it.
I created a vaccine for apathy, but unfortunately no one seems interested.
What is a chillin' banana's favorite song?
Mellow Yellow!
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
Why is marriage like a nice suit? At first it's a perfect fit, but after a while you need alterations.
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his food before it was cool.
What do you call a dog from the Wild West?
Clint Eastwoof.
Why did the girl pour glue into her fishbowl?
She wanted to make a fish stick!
You’re like a pair of goggles; without you, everything’s a blur.
Just hangin' with my gnomies.
Why don’t fish play basketball?
Because they're afraid of the net.
I'm beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn't actually staffed
Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.
What do you call a camel that looks the same from both directions?
A palindromedary!
I really can't finish a box of strawberries all by myself, Would you like to share with me over some wine?
I always love pressing F5 on my keyboard.
It's so refreshing.
You can stand under my umbrella.
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
What do ghosts use to wash their hair?
Shamboo.
What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.
“Driving at night is about communicating with lights.”
— Lukhman Pambra
My orchestra buddy wanted to bring his fiddle to a protest. I told him not to.
In a peaceful protest, there's no need for violins.