Dad: Where do desert nomads buy their camels?
Son: I dunno. Where?
Dad: at Camelot.
Why do old artists never die? They just withdraw.
Are you an alien? Because you just abducted my heart.
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
You look like the morning sun after a long night of darkness.
Just look, it’s the Trifle Tower
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
What do you call a rock that never goes to school? A skipping stone!
That wide loaf has a decent bread-th. Nice.
Where do kangaroos like to eat?
At IHOP.
What did the band Boston say in praise of the Sistine Chapel?
"It's more than a ceiling"
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
There are many fish in the sea but you're the only one that's caught my eye.
Why did God make only one Yogi Bear? Because when he tried to make a second one he made a Boo-Boo.
What happened to the skier who was injured the the top of the peak?
It's been all downhill from there.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
What did the skeleton bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
Why can't you take a nap during a race? Because if you snooze, you loose!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you don't let me in!
"Room with a View"
I live in a room by the sea,
where the view is great and the food is free.
Some of the tenants come and go.
Some I eat, if they’re too slow.
One end of me is firmly locked.
The other end just gently rocks.
I live in a room by the sea.
It’s perfect for an anemone.
– Stephen Swinburne
Case in punt
Why did the bat often use mouthwash? She had bat breath.
Seas the day!
"Are you a witch because you sure got me spellbound."
- Buffy the Vampire Slayer
What's the best hairstyle for a gun?
Bangs.
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
What do teenage deer do at slumber parties?
Truth or deer.
I used to own a rabbit, but now he’s just some bunny that I used to know.
Why can't the bankrupt Hindu complain? He's got no beef.
Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.
As soon as the ancient Egyptian kings come to know about the pyramid scheme, they stopped building monuments immediately.
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
I watched a documentary about corn fields
It was really quite amaizeing
Asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health insurance.
A strawberry usually needs batteries when it runs out of juice.
Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?
I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.
Some marine biologists argued about how best to handle angry dolphins.
The were working at cross porpoises.
“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.
I recently went to a soft fruit party, where all the food was berry based. It was cherrific.
Defeat in soccer is only bitter if you swallow it.
What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.
What does a pirate with heart failures need?
Anti-arrrrrrrrrrhythmics.
I’m just wondering. Now that you’re here, who’s running heaven now?
"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston
I read a story about pig anatomy.
It was all straightforward until I found a twist in the tale.
Did you know the Mississippi River is a girl?
If it was a guy it would be the misterssippi River.
How does Italy execute its criminals?
Guidotine.
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
PRIME-mates.