I know a man whose last name is Storm
He has three daughters: Summer, April, and Haley.
What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?
Lesbionage.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus!
You can bet on firemen at the beach.
It's a shore-fire thing.
What did the cow that was struck by lightning say?
I'm udderly shocked.
What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? Pil-grimace.
"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane." - Philip K. Dick
Why are parrots the life of the party? Every day is their bird-day!
The sun is mad at the clouds because the clouds keep throwing shade.
Reading is a novel idea.
A strawberry who is a thief is called a rob-berry
"The pursuit of happiness" means it's cool to hit on you, right?
You’re so beautiful you make me want to bloom.
How do you know when a potato is in a bad mood? When they are acting salty
Q: What happens when two oranges collide?
A: They get en-tang-led!
Girl, are you an adjective? Cause you should come first every day.
There was an Old Man of the Cape,
Who possessed a large Barbary ape,
Till the ape one dark night
Set the house all alight,
Which burned that Old Man of the Cape.
Summer's over; it's time to chill.
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ivor.
Ivor who?
Ivor you let me in or I`ll climb through the window.
Why did the bus driver stay out all night? He was 'driving' around town!
Why do banana's do so well on the dating scene? Because they have Appeal!
I miss you! I’ll see you tater!
You must be a ninja, because you snuck into my heart
Why was the peach so sad at the funeral? It left a deep pit in its heart.
Q: Which U.S. state do tigers like the most?
A: Maine.
What do you call a hamster in between two slices of bread?
A ham sandwich.
What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral.
What do you call a reptile that works on a farm?
An irri-gator.
What do you get if you cross a pelican and zebra? Two streets further away.
"My Missing Shoe"
I looked for you by the front door,
Under my bed, on the bathroom floor,
Near the back stairs, in the drawer with my socks,
Next to the table, and out in the sandbox.
My mother is calling me, and I’m calling you,
Where have you gone, my missing shoe?
How fast can a cave become vacant? At the drop of a bat.
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
I think it’s funny when I ask girls whether they would spit or swallow my seed if I was a watermelon. Unfortunately, almost all of them reply not in a hundred melon years.
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
Why are frogs so happy?
Because they eat whatever bugs them.
Is there a magnet in here because I'm really attracted to You.
What did the Japanese skeleton put in his sushi?
Bone-ito flakes.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
There was a Young Girl of Majorca,
Whose aunt was a very fast walker;
She walked seventy miles,
And leaped fifteen stiles,
Which astonished that Girl of Majorca.
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
Why did the house make an appointment with the doctor?
It had a window-pane.
“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl
How do people stop being crooks? They straighen themselves out!
I'm Going to Host a Boat Race.
The winner will get pasta. It will be called the Penne Regatta.
What is red and goes putt, putt, putt? An outboard apple.
What would you call a dairy product that is horrible? “Udder bullshit.”
Don't ignite your friends from behind, even if it's just a prank.
It will back fire for sure.