What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics?
A new-clear physicist.
He threw three free throws.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
I'd like to practice some of my penalty kicks with you.
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
What did the magician say to the fisherman?
"Pick a cod, any cod."
Who has the best place on a sailing ship?
The mast, because it has the pole-position.
I won't take no for an answer. I'm having Nunavut.
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
What do you call a Pharaoh playing a trumpet?
Tooting’khamun
What happened when the bat swallowed the alarm-clock?
She turned into a ding-bat.
This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
What does a cat wear to stop smelling? Antipurrspirant!
What side of the tree contains the most leaves? The outside, of course.
Juvenile Court Tries Shooting Defendant
I’m icing the kicker – and by kicker, I mean beer.
Asked a pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?"
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine?
A slow poke.
Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far
Why are rabbits so lucky? They have four rabbit’s feet.
I had a great childhood, I remember my dad would put me in a tire & roll me down the hill all summer.
Those were Goodyears.
“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous
How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin? First, invade ze kitchen.
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
Roses are blue
And violets are red,
Please reverse,
What I just said.
Why do painters always fall for their models?
Because they love them with all of their art.
What was the Peach's favorite surf band from the 60's? The Peach Boys.
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
You must be a banana because I find you very a-peeling.
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
Why did the mother cow give the sleepy baby cow a hammer?
He wanted her to hit the hay.
Green seemed to disappear from the rainbow it came back in full force, olive and kicking.
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
There was this knight who would be always roasting whatever he would catch for food. Guess this is why he was known as the Bonfire Knight.
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
What do you call an bat with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
He was going to sleep in a bucket of ice.
But then he got cold feet.
What drives cheese crazy?
That everyone around them is crackers.
There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.
We could make such a beautiful library together.
What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power?
A Megalovieniac.
Cutting my arms was the best descision I've ever made
Hands down.
There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red oker
When they said, 'You're a Guy!'
He made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.
My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
I have an uncle, once removed.
Why did the cat get fined? He was caught littering