What do you call a pear with loose morals?
A prostifruit.
Are you an exception? I bet I can catch you.
Did you hear about the new Wifi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
Twinkle twinkle little pie,
You squash my willpower like a fly.
You look so innocent and so sweet,
Convince my lips that we should meet.
You are a relentless flirt,
Oh no, we had indecent dessert.
Twinkle twinkle help appears,
A Stevia leaf erased my fears.
It made my willpower a superhero,
As for calories it has zero.
Twinkle twinkle Truvia™ star,
It has natural sweetness I love just what you are.
(Michael Hack)
Why are houseflies great at arithmetics? Because they multiply really fast.
You are so right. And I am so left.
What do you call an old snowman? A creek.
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
Because he was a little horse!
Last week, I met someone who specialized in the studies of shrubs and grasses. He called himself Neil De-grass-y Tyson!
What is a hair stylist's favorite steak? A flat iron!
A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.
It replied, “No, thanks, I am traveling light.”
What is a nerdy alligator’s favorite programming language?
Jaw-va.
Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw? Because they don't know how to cook it.
I used to be addicted to time travel,
but that's all in the past now.
What type of trunks do foresters wear to the swimming pool?
Tree trunks!
I've started a new band called "Blanket'
We're a cover band
Why does the mushroom always get invited to pizza parties?
Because he’s such a fungi!
The zookeeper told me I wasn’t allowed to buy the animals so I asked why the zebra had a barcode.
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor after my first day at work.
Deep down I realized it wasn’t for me.
Are you tired? Because you’ve been running through my mind all day.
What cheese surrounds a medieval castle? Moatzeralla
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
I know that 70% of the human body is composed of H2O, but the tall drink of water I'm looking at is probably 97%.
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
Batman walks into a superhero-only pool, he is quickly stopped by a guard, the guard points to a sign that says
"No swimming without supervision."
If I had to choose between breathing and loving you, I'd take my last breath to say "I Love You".
I don’t always like to tell dwarf jokes. But when I do, I like to keep them short.
Lets unzip our genes and see if we can share codes together.
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”
What do you call a dentist in the army? A drill sergeant
Where does a turtle go when it's raining?
A shell-ter.
Some types of meat like to play around a lot. These are generally the game types.
My father and grandfather work for the DMV.
I come from a long line of long lines.
Don't even chai.
I meditate about you. Will you do the same too?
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
He wanted to get to the other slide.
You are my butter-half!
More candles means a bigger wish!
The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.
Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.
I entered my pig into a pig race but he pulled a ham string.
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
I like your wart, want to see a few of mine?
I said some stubtly racist stuff to a magpie
She was a victim of my crow aggressions.
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
An American guy visits a friend in Scotland.
When he arrives at his friend's house, he asks "Can I use your Wifi?"
The friend looks a bit perplexed, but then he smiles and says, "Sure ye can, she's up th' stairs."