How do you write a book about bats? With a ghostwriter.
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
What did the husband beaver say to the wife beaver to express his love and gratitude? You are the one for me, waddle I do without you?
Why do vampires need cold medicine?
For their coffin.
Why did the action potential cross the optic chiasm?
To get to the other side.
She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
You must be the square root of two because I'm irrational around you.
Why is it good to drink witch's brew?
It's very newt-tricious!
You are more precious than my blue suede shoes
Timing, what’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?
Son: I was really Hungary and I ate the whole Turkey. There is only Greece left.
Me: I couldn’t Bolivia!
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
I hope you're ready to spend some koalaty time together.
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
You’re a woman from East Transylvania
Dating Dracula, with his weird mania.
He asks you each night
To go out for a bite —
An experience certain to drain ya.
A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’
Her husband replies, ‘Why not?
I stuck with you through the other six shades.’
With all the talk of the pandemic and vaccines recently, I decided to consult a micro-biologist.
I thought they'd be smaller.
What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
What happens if the Grim Reaper spikes the ball? You have to dig your own grave.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
St. Patrick’s Day makes me Spring to life.
How do you make an apple turnover? Push it down hill.
Why did the Apatosaurus devour the factory? Because she was a plant eater!
The scarecrow won an award because it had been excellent in its field.
Shake your shamrocks.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
Why did the Lord of the Rings author get kicked out of the movie theatre.
He was Tolkien all the way through.
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
Where does a pineapple and cucumber vacation? Somewhere tropical (tro-pickle).
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
What is a koala’s favorite soft drink? Koka-Koala, of course!
Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off? It was a vicious cycle.
What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams? They lived hoppily ever after.
Every time I look at you, I feel like an astronaut. Your beauty makes me float.
I had a salad pun, but I tossed it
What does rain wear to a fancy dinner party? A rainbow-tie.
Never argue with Pi, it's irrational.
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
How can you tell if you are in love?
If they stole a pizza your heart.
It’s so hot that Tabasco sauce tastes mild.
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
“Watch out! The road curves ahead” cried the skeleton.
“It’s spine“ replied the driver.
Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.
Who are the cousins of the werewolf?
What-wolf and When-wolf
Did I invite you to the Barbecue?
Then why are you all up in my grill?
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!