A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar and starts drinking
I asked him: "Do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?"
"Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?"
"No it's because you're drinking my beer."
Q: What do you call a really violent fruit?
A: A peach breaker
That Kenyan black smells wonderful! May I try it? Normally I stick to English Breakfast, but I’m always open to experimenting.
Did you know the first Easter and ther first April Fools Day coincided as well?
The founder of both was a real trickster... He faked his own death!
What do you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers
"I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal."
- Jarod Kintz
Did you hear about the man who had nothing else to do so drilled into his own head?
He was bored to death.
You're as intoxicating as a home distilled liquor.
There is a young schoolboy named Mason,
Whose mom cuts his hair with a basin.
When he stands in one place,
With a scarf round his face,
It's a mystery which way he’s facing.
What did the pillow say when the blanket asked it to come hang out?
I'm down
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
70 percent of the human body is made up of water and im very thirsty.
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
What’s a vampire’s favorite cocktail?
A Bloody Mary.
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
Girl, I'm jealous of your shirt.
Because it's wrapped around you and I'm not.
I'd advise against letting a vampire drive you home after a Halloween party. They never check their mirrors, it will drive you batty.
What did the eye witness say about the camel who was using the bushes as a lavatory?
I saw the hump take a dump in a clump
Son: Father can you tell me what a solar eclipse is? Father: No sun.
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
Q: Has your tooth stopped hurting yet?
A: I don't know, the dentist kept it.
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
How do hot dogs greet each other? They say “give me some skin!”
Where do otters come from?
Otter Space.
“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown
What covers the floor of the motzarella forest?
Cheese sticks.
What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It’s a pain in the neck.
I must stop eating Snickers
I can’t fit in my knickers
Have less food on my plate
Won’t moan about my weight
(Jan Allison)
Just a buffalo laying down, bisoness as usual.
I sang the rainbow song to a cop yesterday.
They arrested me for colorful language.
What is the energy provider’s favorite dance? The electric slide.”
Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table? She was hogging the food.
As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?
And then I check with the school to find out.
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
What do llamas call the end of the world?
Llamageddon.
My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a bell?
An alarm cluck.
What do you call a necromancer werewolf?
A dog with a bone.
My teen daughter was sent home from school for covid exposure.....
She’s now my quaranteen.
Which type of wine do horses request most often?
Chardon-neigh.
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
The prowling youth
With fangs and cape
From trick or treat
There's no escape
Unless you make
Your own trick treats
And hand out bags
Of Ex-lax sweets.
- Patrick Winstanley
I’d like to tell a joke about salt but then said to myself: "Na."
How do whales make a decision?
They flipper coin.
Why did the dog go to university? To get a pe-digree.
Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
What pillow set do the church organist and his wife have?
Hymn and Hers.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.