Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Amanda
Amanda who?
A man da fix your sink!
Where do ghosts play golf?
On a golf corpse.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
The sound of my bones really cracks me up.
How do you know if milk is expired? The smell is dairy bad!
Next time you’re feeling down, just remember: your plants are rooting for you. Literally!
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
Where do most horses work for their first job?
Re-tail stores.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
Other people had drugs in school, but I brought Greek cheeses.
That way I could have math and feta cheese.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
“The North Pole doesn’t import goods because it’s Elf Sufficient.”
Have you ever seen the episode of VeggieTales directed by Tarantino?
It’s called Mango Unchained.
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
Did you hear about the man who stole thousands of dollars worth of rare tea?
He went to prison for Oolong time.
If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian...
Then Soviet
Lightning never strikes coffee in its bean form.
Only when it's ground.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
Please stop making jokes about little people
How would you feel if a bunch of giants made jokes about you?
When I play my violin it always sounds like it's crying
It's must be too highly strung
"Over-easy like Sunday morning."
How do pigs greet their family and friends?
With hogs and kisses.
Are you a train? Because I want to be the light at the end of your tunnel.
Flowers like our minds, open at the right time. Mine has opened to receive your love.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub, It’s overflowing!
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
What type of wine is notorious for making you drowsy?
Sauvign-yawn blanc!
"That was a howling adventure!" said the werewolf to the zombie.
Babe, your eyes are bluer than the ocean Columbus sailed… and I’m lost at sea.
Your beautiful face looks like a field of flowers.
You’re the girl that everybody wants. Today is their lucky day.
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
What would Santa’s name be if he wore orange instead of red?
Fanta Claus.
A guy walks into the bar.
It's hardly surprising he didn't make the steeplechase team, on reflection.
What do you get when you run behind a car?
Exhausted!
What did the snowman order at the fast food restaurant?
An ice burger extra cheese.
"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown
What type of dog would be the best at portraying Tina Turner?
An Angela Bassett Hound.
"No wine left behind."
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
What do fruit bowls say when they dress up as a ghost on Halloween? Be cherry afraid!
If I had a nickel for every time my wife says that I spend money on frivolous things, I would have enough money to buy miniature golf clubs for my shower caddy.
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
Dad jokes are like Corona.
Everybody gets It but not everyone can laugh about It.
“I don’t like when I'm all stress-free and peacefully relaxing on the couch and then, out of nowhere, Monday comes along and punches you right off the couch!”
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.