Snow on and snow forth.
What does Bigfoot do to relax in his spare time?
He goes bird squatching!
Sorry, I would’ve called sooner but my phone overheated...
I guess you’re just too hot for this dating app!
Did you see the display of still-life art? It was not at all moving.
All the other vegetables have always felt very emotional whenever they are near the onion.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone
Many people believe liquid soap is more hygienic than soap bars.
Don't listen to them, it is only a slippery soap argument.
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart.
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
My boss fired me.
"Why?" I asked.
He said, "You always question authority."
"How?"
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
What language do they speak in Italy
Times New Roman.
Why was the cat not allowed on the computer? Because she tried to catch the mouse!
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
What do you call a dog’s back teeth?
Canine canines.
Where do crows type? Crows type on cawmputers.
We were all sturtled by the incoming news.
What did the Endoplasmic Reticulum say to the Golgi. I like your body, and the Golgi said it's complex.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
"Come follow me and I will make you a Fischer of men."
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.
Q: Why did the tree go to the dentist?
A: To get a root canal.
“I really need a day in-between Sunday and Monday.”
I told the artist that his painting was terrible. I think he got the picture.
What do you call someone who loves dogs?
A pug addict.
Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.
Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
Pies aren't the new cupcakes, baby. You are.
What do you call it when the Bigfoot in charge makes pasta for all the others?
Alpha Yeti Spaghetti!
I love a joke about the eyes.
The cornea the better.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light
Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters?
I Q U.
If I knew I was going to die tomorrow, I would spend every second today thinking about you.
Who succeeded the Vikings?
The Z-kings
"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
“If you think I’m funny now, you should see me when I miss Yoga.” — Anonymous
I know you are a goalie but I hope you don’t stop me from scoring tonight.
Why couldn’t anyone get a job at the ice rink?
There was a hiring freeze.
What planet is next to Uranus?
Poopiter.
Why do trees always walk so slowly? All they can do is lumber around.
Why did the goldfish cross the road?
Because the chicken was on holiday.
Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
Chuck Norris won a 10 minute race after giving his competitors a 10 minute head start.
You must be the one for me… Since my selectively permeable membrane let you through.
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
Did you hear about the shoe factory that exploded?
Many soles were lost.