A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
Bacteria is the only culture some people have.
My pet owl will soon turn 180.
He's not old, he just has a bad neck.
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
I named my phone "The Titanic" because it's always syncing.
What do oranges have after a hard work out? Juice!
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
If you think Earth has too few human-animal hybrids, then it behooves you to become a centaur.
No one laughed at my soup puns. I said "When I crack a soup joke, everyone is soup-posed to laugh".
We like to paddy.
What is a cowboy’s favorite tree?
A horse chestnut tree.
“In spring we are on Earth; in summer we are on Earth; in autumn we are on Earth, but in winter we are in another planet; winter is another planet!” — Mehmet Murat ildan
Did you see that meteor shower?
No, I respect others’ privacy.
Why was the Pirate sad when his parrot left him?.
It gave him the cold shoulder.
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
"Halfway Down"
Halfway down the stairs
Is a stair
Where I sit.
There isn’t any
Other stair
Quite like
It.
I’m not at the bottom,
I’m not at the top;
So this is the stair
Where
I always
Stop.
Halfway up the stairs
Isn’t up
And it isn’t down.
It isn’t in the nursery,
It isn’t in town.
And all sorts of funny thoughts
Run round my head.
It isn’t really
Anywhere!
It’s somewhere else
Instead!
– A. A. Milne
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
If you go to a beach and you can see through it, you could say the coast is clear.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
Your eyes are as blue as the sea after a storm.
Did you hear about the fruit who was convicted of armed robbery?
“Now he’s a waterfelon.”
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
Are you a pile of dinosaur bones? Because I dig you!
The fact that I'm missing some teeth only means that there's more room for your tongue.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
How did the struggling leaf get the job? He got the right qua-leaf-ications.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Claire.
Claire who?
Claire the way, I’m coming through!
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
I think we're mint to be!
There was an Old Person of Berlin,
Whose form was uncommonly thin;
Till he once, by mistake,
Was mixed up in a cake,
So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.
What does a horse call her best friend?
Her mane chick.
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
I don't normally like girls who wear red coats. But, for you I'll make an exception.
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even.
The owner of the inside inn was inside his inside inn with his inside outside his inside inn.
Funny facts about Google users:
50% of people use Google well as a search engine.
The rest 50% of them use it to check if their internet is connected
Roses are brown
Violets are brown
Who crapped in my garden?
Hey girl, did you know I'm a cashier?
Because I'm totally checking you out.
My wife got mad at me for playing catch with my son in the backyard
... I didn’t see the big deal until I dropped him.
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
“What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.”
Tina Fey
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Britney Spears
Britney Spears who?
Knock, knock - oops i did it again.
Do you prefer organic or local? Because I’m both.
I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord
I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him.
You must be a magician, because everytime I look at you, everyone else disappears.
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
"You're not Mr. Right.... just Mr. Right Now."