Shamrocks and shenanigans for all!
What did the period say to the sentence? We better stop now!
What does Minnie Mouse drive?
A Minnie van!
My mom thinks I'm gay, can you help me prove her wrong?
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
When you offered me love, I lepton it!
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
What is the study of real estate? Homology
The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.
- Randy Johnson
That cola syrup is made by squeezing a kola nut.
That was soda pressing.
A kid is pouring himself some milk. His dad walks into the room and asked, "what kind of milk is that?" Kid says, "Soy milk". Dad replies with,
"Hola milk, soy dad."
Your love is like vodka.
You were worth the chase.
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
When it was raining yesterday, I saw a man use ketchup and I got quite shocked. It is only later that I learnt he was taking advantage of the raining cats and hot dogs.
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
Can I tie your shoes? I don’t want you falling for anyone else.
There was a television channel ran by pets, the weather forecast was on and inclement weather was being predicted...
High chance of it raining cats and dogs, howling winds, and a possible purricane.
What do you get when you cross a tiger and a snowman? Frost-bite!
The oldest computer was an apple given to Adam and Eve back in paradise lost, but it came with very limited memory of just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
What happened to the dog who ate too much garlic?
Its bark was worse than its bite.
The artist successfully climbed the highest peak in the country. He attributed his success to the song, 'Paint No Mountain Higher!'
What did the teacher say when he sent the naughty student out of the (mush)room? - You’re in big truffle young man!
What happened when the football coach’s dog ran onto the field during a game?
He got called for ineligible retriever down field!
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
How do you get down off an penguin?
You don’t – you get down off a duck.
Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.
I don’t know what the trick is, but you certainly are a treat.
Hey, let’s go out some time! Olly’ven pay for everything
Where do penguins keep their money?
In a snow bank!
He threw three free throws.
What type of hairstyle is popular with polar bears?
Frosted tips.
I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...
I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!
What did the horse reply when asked if it can jump 3 feet?
“I lope so!”
Fall leaves whenever winter knocks on the door.
Are electrons pessimistic or optimistic?
Obviously pessimistic, they are always negative!
There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.
Why doesn't iron form a good bond with other metals?
Because it has rust issues!
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
Why did the computer parts salesman quit?
He lost his drive.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop it a line!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Goose
Goose who?
Goose who's knocking at your door again!
I've done it -- I've done mown the lawn,
But my muscles are aching and torn.
I could swear there are some,
In my legs and my bum,
I've not used since the year I was born.
What do you call a one-inch zombie?
Tomb thumb!