When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
Why is it so windy inside a stadium?
There are hundreds of fans.
There was a Young Lady of Sweden,
Who went by the slow rain to Weedon;
When they cried, 'Weedon Station!'
She made no observation
But thought she should go back to Sweden.
Where do crows go to get educated?
CAWlege
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
How did you get to be such an amazing man?
Never have I seen someone who can do all you can.
I look at you and gasp in awe,
You are the best that I ever saw.
You are the perfect man for any woman,
You’re just so good at making me grin.
Everything you do is so perfect for me,
You are precisely my cup of tea.
Now I suppose I should give credit where credit is due,
And remind myself that I did a great job retraining you!
(Unknown)
You're acute Valentine.
Are you WiFi?
Because I can feel the connection between us.
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?
For the lute.
You know what you would look really beautiful in?
My arms.
What do strawberries wear to bed?
Jammies!
“Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.”
― Unknown
Just look, it’s the Trifle Tower
For April fools my girlfriend replaced my alphabits with Cheerios.
I have no words to say how angry I am.
I sit in front if my ex in physics.
There used to be a lot of friction between us.
Some people like beer goggles. I prefer wine glasses.
We are often greatly bothered
By two fussy little men,
Who sometimes block our pathway –
Their names are How and When.
If we have a task or duty
Which we can put off a while,
And we do not go and do it –
You should see those two rogues smile!
But there is a way to beat them,
And I will tell you how:
If you have a task or duty,
Do it well, and do it now.
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
May I have your number, so we stop being strangers?
It was so cold the mice were playing ice hockey in the toilet bowl.
Why are you bringing me to this mountain river after our couple therapy session?!
Our therapist said I need to valley date you.
I’m not an astronomer, but I still promise to give you the sun, moon, and stars.
Beer-lieve it or not!
There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who just simply lived on gherkins.
In spite of advice,
She ate so much spice,
That she ruined her internal working's.
I don't think you can diagnose me because there's no treatment for being madly in love.
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.”
– James Dent
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
Who put the Howl in Halloween?
Not ghouls just the people they ate!
It's so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.
What's worse than a dragon speaking to you?
The money that you have to pay for therapy.
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
What do you say when you want a flower to drive faster?
Floret.
Brother: "I saw a seahorse scuba diving"
Dad: "Wow that's amazing, I didn't realise they had the technology."
You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion.
What do you do?
Get your drunk butt off the carousel.
“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
Why did the American student spend his year in European brothels?
To study a broad.
My buddies bet me that I wouldn't be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful girl on the river. Would you like to get a drink later with their money?
All this lidocaine and I still have feelings for you.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Paris!
Paris who?
Paris the thought!
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
Do you breathe oxygen? We have so much in common.
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
Why did the Archaeopteryx get the most worms?
Because he was an early bird.
Are you the Godiva store? Because you seem sweet and way too fancy for me.
What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.