Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
Why are fish so smart?
They spend a lot of time in schools.
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
Happy St. Cat-rick’s day!
What do you call a small mosque in Spain?
A mosquito!
I just got some mistletoe, how about we go back to my place and try it out?
How do I know many hundreds of digits of pi greek and not the 7 digits of your phone number?
Forget about pumpkin, you’re the only cutie pie I need.
Free Wifi!
Why? Was Mr. Wifi wrongfully accused or something?
I tried to tell a joke about towels...
But people don’t like my dry humor.
What do you call a turkey after Thanksgiving?
Lucky.
What drink breaks the ice? Flirt-Tea. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
Where do ghosts play volleyball at? At the volleyball corpse.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Goose
Goose who?
Goose who's knocking at your door again!
“Hello, Monday! May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?”
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
I saw the chicken quickly crossing the basketball court? Then I remembered that the referee was blowing fowls.
Let’s shell-ebrate good times and tan lines.
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
What do you call a small, two winged insect resembling a mosquito that likes to keep the peace?
A diplognat!
My dad died on Thanksgiving whilst eating dinner.
Fowl play was suspected.
What does a worry wart drink? Safe-Tea.
People need to be careful about computers at all times because they byte.
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
Mommy, Mommy, what’s a werewolf?
Don’t worry about that honey and comb your face!
What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.
How did the corn farmer get to be so successful?
He corn-ered the market!
Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains? Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
Something is Wrong With My Bicycle,
it doesn't Go Straight.
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
What do you call a steak hurtling through space? A meat-ior!
What is the highest compliment a zombie can receive?
- Wow, you're in Grave condition!
Do you like the internet? Because I can put you on there if you come back to my place.
Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I’d have a cow pie in my eye.
What kind of light goes around the earth? A Satel-lite.
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
Why can you never trust an artist? Because they are a bit sketchy, a little shady and will always try to frame you.
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
The cloud hailed from the sky kingdom.
What did the newspaper say to the ice cream? What's the scoop
Who wrote the book "Great Egg-spectations"?
Charles Chickens.
I used to hate peas. I like them now, I just make sure I think of them as 'o's.'
I'm cold just thinking about Canada. Let's cuddle.
If we were binary, you’d be the one for me.
Did you hear the one about the Troll who tried to pay for dinner with a gnome? He came up short on the bill.