The pie-maker couldn't eat any more strawberries because she was already stuffed.
If you were a booger I'd pick you first.
I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?
Why do you always bring a bag of chips to a party? In queso emergency.
I have these chicken n_ggets. Now all I need is U!
The sun is just a big space heater.
I had this disturbingly long dream that I was making a salad.
I was tossing all night.
What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?
Anette.
My love for you is like a fruitcake during the holidays - nutty, spicy and unavoidable, no matter how hard you try.
What did the pizza say to the delivery guy?
“You don’t pepper-own me.”
…and what did the delivery guy say in reply?
“Hey now, don’t get saucy.”
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
Roses are red, potatoes are brown; you are my favorite spud in the whole town!
What did the witch say when the door-to-door broom salesman showed her a vacuum.
I don't want an automatic. I want a stick shift!
I used to search for clams on the beach
But then I pulled a mussel.
“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs
What do computers do on a beach vacation?
Surf the net.
What do volleyball players like in bed? Kinky sets.
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from hiking, it’s that the early bird gets the face full of spider webs.”
A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
Did you hear about the restaurant they built on the moon?
The food is good but it lacks atmosphere.
After I helped a peach with some work, she said, "I really ap-peach-iate your help!"
What do you call bacon with salt on it
Salt and Peppa
What cheese do vampires eat?
Munster.
My chair finally broke down yesterday.
It just doesn't give a sit anymore.
I’m like a boomerang. I just keep coming back to you.
What do you call a viking who is attracted to both genders?
Biking
What's an owl's favorite subject at school?
Owl-gebra.
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic
I'm pretty sure I was blind before I met you.
The other day I asked an Alaskan guy if he wanted to eat some seal meat.
He wasn’t really inuit
Be a winner, date a swimmer!
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
A farmer complained that he didn't have enough fruit to make a living.
I told him he needs to grow a pear.
Why did the Vikings sail to England in longboats?
It was too far to swim!
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.
Q: Did you hear about the cherry that liked to explode?
A: It was da’ bomb.
Having rumpled clothing is a pressing issue, but I am sure that I can iron out a solution.
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle? – An Orange County Chopper.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
Did you hear about the loggers who stopped cutting down the forest? The trees really felt re-leafed.
Why is a giraffe’s neck so long?
Because its head is so far from its body.
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his dessert?
Cause he was stuffed.
What happened when a bat misbehaved in night school?
She got suspended.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
What is a polar bear’s favorite food?
Iceberg lettuce and snow peas.
Are you Siri? As a result of your autocomplete feature