The best thing ever to put in a strawberry pie is your teeth.
“If Monday were a person, it would be a boring friend who always forces us to do what we don’t want.”
What is the invisible man's favorite shampoo?
Clear.
"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad
When do you serve vegan vitarian matcha-tea-flavored turkey-shaped tofu-loaf?
At Pranksgiving.
You’re what I’m most thankful for this year.
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
Flowers like our minds, open at the right time. Mine has opened to receive your love.
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
Do you want to die happy?
I've heard lovemaking is a killer.
Sheep jokes are bad.
Really baaaaaaa-d.
I met a girl in a vegetarian restaurant who said she recognized me, but I have literally never seen herbivore.
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
Lady, you mak me All Shook Up and wake my Animal Instinct
What did the duck do after he read all these jokes?
He quacked up.
Following a recipe, says I need: pears, five cubed. 125 sounds like a lot of pears for a pie…
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
My friend pointed at a chandelier and said: "isn't that the coolest chandelier ever?"
I replied: "I don't know if it's the coolest, but it's up there."
“I do an hour’s yoga and go running everyday. Then I see a picture of myself and I still look like a skinny, pot bellied idiot — and I thought I had turned into this superhunk!” — Chris Martin
"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong
Why do blind people hate diving?
It scares the hell out of their dogs.
What do you call a strong pumpkin?
A Jacked-o-Lantern.
Did you hear about the big company that made syrup from contaminated trees? They maple their syrup from the shelves.
You must be Drumheller, ‘cause I totally dig you.
I love you so truly,
I love you so fine,
Please be with me always,
Please forever be mine.
Without you I’m empty,
There’s a deep void I feel,
It’s nagging and persistent,
A feeling only you can heal.
I need you my sweetheart,
I can’t live without you dear,
Because when your gone,
There’s no food to eat here!
(Unknown)
How does a hairdresser stop themselves from cutting their own hair?
By sheer will.
What do gnomes use to guard their mazes?
Minitaurs.
“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.”
- Walt Disney
What’s the scariest koala movie ever made? The Bear Witch Project.
What do sailors buy to customise the back of their ships?
Aft-ermarket parts!
What did the fisherman say to the card magician? Take a cod, any cod.
Do you know what the Temple Veil and I both have in common?
We're both ripped.
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
What do cats eat on hot days?
Mice cream.
What did dinosaurs have that no others animals ever had? Baby dinosaurs!
If you speak Hebrew and life gives you lemons...
You're an acidic Jew.
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ima.
Ima who?
Ima horny, let's screw.
What’s your go to order at a bar? Mine is A Big Ale
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
The big black bug bit the big black bear,
but the big black bear bit the big black bug back!
This lady at the supermarket is staring at me, like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant...
And then put it back on the shelf.
Sorry for raining on your parade, I really thought it'd be snow problem.
Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.
I can out here for an easy run, but you make my heart do speed work
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
The sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick.
Why did the ancient Egyptians used to bury their Pharaohs in several layers of coffin? It was called multicasking.