What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
What did one angry werewolf say to the other?
- I have a bone to pick with you!
Why did the beaver refuse to laugh at any of the twig's jokes? He is not a big fan of dry humor.
What kind of sandwich does Kissy the Elf like for lunch?
A wrap!
Where does Google keep their ships?
In the Google Docs.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'.”
― Tommy Cooper
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
What did the grilled cheese sandwich say to their date?
“You make me melt.”
What do you call a deer with hooves in his ears?
Anything you want — he can’t hear you.
If Stu chews shoes, should Stu choose the shoes he chews?
If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!
The best stretches are partner stretches.
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
Irish you luck.
"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel
Are you the moon? Because even when it’s dark, you still seem to shine.
“How do the elves clean Santa’s sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!”
That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
What did the mushroom request when booking his hotel? A shroom with a view, please!
Hi, I'm Mr. Right.
Did you hear about the Irish potato that immigrated?
He became a French fry.
How about we go back to my place and form a covalent bond?
Did you hear the joke about the pop fly? Oh, nevermind. It was over your head...
You will always have
a pizza of my heart.
Set or be set. This is certainly the right way to look at things.
Why didn’t sin and tan go to the party?
Just cos.
Is your name Ariel? Because I think we mermaid for each other.
You’re my pot of gold.
Why did the Buddhist gorilla get locked out of his monastery?
He forgot his monk-key
What is the collective noun for Ghosts? Team spirit.
I summoned the dragon just for you. Now its time to make your wish come true.
Robviously, I couldn’t help but ask you out
How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can’t get up that high.
The pot of coffee he just made is basically break fluid.
Nothing lasts forever. Can you be my nothing?
How can you tell the difference between an English and French crow?
"PourCUAWWW! PourCUAWWW!"
It’s so hot chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
My singing voice sounds bad in my tiny apartment.
It’s a little flat.
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ.
It has the heartiest appetite.
What do you call a cow that has 1 leg? Steak
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
How do mice celebrate when they move home? With a mouse warming party!
Q: What do tigers and computers have in common?
A: They both have mega bites.
“Hello, Monday! May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?”
Why did the old man hate living next to the tennis courts?
He couldn't stand all the racket!
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.