"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
At a get-together, one fruit asked another "I was wondering how have you been". The other replied "Just peachy, isn't that grape?"
What vegetable is kind of cool?
The Radish.
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
You owe me a drink, you're so ugly I dropped mine when I saw you.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Want.
Want who?
Want, who ... three, four, five!
I don't normally put all my eggs in one basket, but I wanna be your number one bunny, honey.
"I feel like most of my work problems could be solved with a trip to…anywhere."
Snowmen decide on everything with a game of eeny, meeny, miny, snow.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
When the ghost watched a sad movie he started boo-hooing.
Who was the greatest dog detective?
Sherlock Bones.
What did the duck eat for snack?
Salted Quackers.
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
The bowl of soup you bought yesterday from the Chinese restaurant was souper terrible.
There was a fire at the yodeling school. Everyone was asked to exit in an orderly orderly orderly manner.
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.
Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? A. Milk and quackers!
What do you call a parallelogram that's also your parent's mother?
A parallelogramma
Nowadays, people drought the accuracy of weather men because the climatic patterns are so unpredictable.
Make your own decisions this summer, don’t give in to pier pressure.
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
I made a snap decision to watch football today.
What do you call a lazy goat?
Billy Idle.
My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said
This is my thyme to shine.
How are you still so fat when you've been running in my mind for so long?
What martial art does Earth know?
Geo-Jitsu.
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
Do you wanna come dance with the big bad wolf? [ No! ] Its okay, the other two pigs said no too!
What kind of car does an electrician drive? A Volts-wagon.”
If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.
When autumn arrives, the evergreen tree asked the deciduous tree, "Leafing so soon?'
Which tooth did Avogadro have pulled?
One of his mole-ars
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
My fridge is hotter than you.
What did the introverted pig say when asked why they don’t like socializing? “I’m not a people porcine.”
What do we call two thousand pounds of Chinese soup? It is called won – ton!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lee
Lee who?
Lee me alone - I've got a headache!
What do you call a clairvoyant midget who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd.
What do dogs have that no other animal has?
Puppies.
“Dear Monday, my mama doesn’t like you and she likes everyone.”
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
Could this be the trail that leads to your heart?
Did you hear about the crime family that took over the wine importing business?
They call themselves the Sip-ranos!
I’d be Madeline if I didn’t say I was dying to get to know you
What do you call a communist vegetable
a soviet onion.
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
The head surgeon shouted at me for accidentally severing the patient's spine.
I think I struck a nerve.