Q. Why was the gorilla's jungle party so lame?
A. Because theyran out of chimps and dip.
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.
Why did the ghoul become green?
It was sick of eating brains!
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
What do you get when you cross a smurf and a cow?
Blue cheese.
On my farm, an entire lot of onions had some allergic reactions that broke out in chives!
How do two flowers greet each other?
Hey bud, how’s it growing?
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?
It was too far to swim.
Hey Erin, ever heard that sharin’ is carin’? Care to share a meal together sometime?
What has no pants and screams like a bear? A bear.
Do you wanna Ketchup over beer?
People say Frankenstein’s monster had a temper…
But actually he was surprisingly level-headed.
Flamingos can be a bit of a daring bunch. In fact, they always fly by the seat of their pants.
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
What sound do 8 sheep make?
Octo-bah.
When his wife was preparing his favorite chocolate cake, the baseball player said "Batter Up.
So, what do you turn into at midnight?
You're like baseball: You make me all nervous
Oh, the heat! Doesn’t summer know – you’re all the sunshine I need!
Where do werewolf go if their tails fall off?
A re-tail store.
Did you invent the airplane? Cause you seem Wright for me.
General: "Fire at will!"
Soldier: "Which one's Will?"
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
You can be the queen of my kingdom.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
How can someone tell if a bee is on their phone? They'll get a buzzy signal.
Why isn’t there an organization like Chocoholics Anonymous?
Because nobody wants to quit.
The basketball player sat on the sideline and began sketching pictures of chickens. He was learning how to draw fowls.
If home is where the heart is, then my home is in you.
After graduating from high school, crows go to caw-lleges for further studies.
Wine Lovers Rhyme: A friend of wine is a friend of mine!
Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees.
Why are cats bad at telling stories? Because they only have one tail!
What did the pumpkin say to the jar? Soon I will be ajar too.
"How Not to Have to Dry the Dishes"
If you have to dry the dishes
(Such an awful, boring chore)
If you have to dry the dishes
(‘Stead of going to the store)
If you have to dry the dishes
And you drop one on the floor—
Maybe they won’t let you
Dry the dishes anymore.
– Shel Silverstein
What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire?
Dracowla.
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn't. The road moved back underneath him.
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
What do ghoul scouts hope to achieve by selling halloween cookies? They hope to make a good first impression.
Some guy asked dad for the WiFi code.
Shrugging his shoulders and giving a sympathetic look, he responded: I can't figure her out either.
What happened when the beer got divorced?
It became bitter.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but trilobites still exist, right?
Oh no, I'm choking! I need mouth to mouth, quick!
"Cabernet. More like, caber-yay!"
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson