I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
Why did the golfer need new socks?
Because there was a hole in one.
Where do cows go on vacation?
Moo York.
“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.” —Erma Bombeck
You’re the Higgs boson particle of my life… Because without you, my universe wouldn’t “matter.”
What was the main job of the bread truck? To haul buns.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
You tell me your mantra and I’ll l tell you mine.
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
What did the deer say to her daughter?
“Soon you’ll be all doe-n up!”
What’s an apple’s favorite movie? Mr and Mr Smith.
Whichever gator stole all the food, we'll catch the crook-a-dile.
What did the Apple say to the lemon & lime when he found out they were correct?
Yeah, I guess you’re Sprite
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin about.
What do you call a boat full of high school graduates
A scholarship.
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...
Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
I just dropped my phone in the bath
Now it's syncing.
What does a pirate pay for his corn?
A buccaneer!
“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
George Burns
No taxation without representation! But, there is a kiss tax. Strictly enforced and right on the lips.
Where did the music teacher leave her keys?
In the piano.
Why can't guitars have fun with friends with benefits?
Because without strings attached they just can't play...
“Mountains have a way of dealing with overconfidence.” – Hermann Buhl
My wife said that onions are the only vegetable that makes her cry
So I threw a pumpkin at her
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
My husband asked me to sync his phone. So I threw it in the sea - not sure why he is upset.
Why did the ski instructor's love life always go downhill? The first thing the ladies noticed about him was his giant slalom.
What do you call a group of crows who see food?
A tempted murder.
Hay girl, I'd like to have a stable relationship with you!
What happens when you go to the beach in hell?
You get a SaTan.
Girl, you and me are like loaves and fishes. Together we might be a miracle.
Where does a bee use the bathroom?
BP
Honey, I need you to cancel my subscription. I’m done with your issues.
I am an introvert, but you know how to bring me out of my shell.
Are you a pile of dinosaur bones? Because I dig you!
Are there any funny red wine puns at BabaMail Jokes?
You bet Shiraz there are!
What happens when you cross an iron with a telephone? You get a smooth signal.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked!
Why did the boy soon stop trying to grab the mountain fog? Because he always mist.
What kind of aquatic animal thinks you did a good job?
The seal of approval.
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
What do you call it when two people make a baby in fog?
A mist conception.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
If you want a loyal marriage, get hitched to a basketball player. He will never pass you, rather he will keep you all to himself.
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
Albert Einstein, Blaise Pascal, and Isaac Newton decided to play a game of hide and seek.
Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting.
Pascal runs off to hide but Newton takes a chalk and marks a 1m×1m square on the floor and stands in it.
"Ready or not, here I come!" Einstein exclaims while he opens his eyes. He sees Newton standing out in the open and says "Haha, I found you Newton!"
Newton replies "No, you found Pascal."
It started raining coins outside today.
I guess it’s just climate change.