What did the deer order to drink at the bar?
Ice cold deer.
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
Why do blondes wear hooped ear rings. So they have somewhere to put their feet when having se*.
“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
Did you hear about that show that tests the listening skills of vegetables?
Its tests the ears of its corn-testants.
How many volleyball referees do you need to screw in a light bulb? None because they are always in the dark.
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
I am so dedicated to basketball, but I promise you I will bring that dedication to our relationship.
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. -- Mahatma Ghandi
What happened when the tiger ate the comedian?
He felt funny!
It is October and there are still leaves on trees. I am very corn-fused!
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
“I’m staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.”
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
“Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it.”
Belize let me hold you.
Guess what I’m wearing? The smile you gave me!
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
Have you heard about the new meat that’s taking the world by storm? It’s a cross between a cow and a chicken. They call it “roost beef”.
What do you call a parrot without feathers? Bald!
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen
Hey Girl are you my checked in luggage? 'Cause I’d wait an eternity for you at the airport.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance!!
hy don’t calculus major throw house parties?
Because they know firsthand that it’s a bad idea to drive and derive.
What did the icy road say to the car?
“Want to go for a spin?”
Why did the skeleton go to the hospital?
To have his ghoul bladder removed.
What musical group do men join once they get married?
The Hus Band!
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
You’re unbeleafable.
Why do pumpkins never quarrel? Because they have no stomach for fighting.
It’s so cold I saw Superman taking a taxi.
You radiate in the shortest wavelengths I’ve ever encountered.
Circumcision Now Seen As Pointless.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
Why are neuroanatomy classes the smartest?
They have lots of brains.
My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
When do they smother a burrito in cheese? In best queso scenario.
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
What do you call an imaginary pig? A pig-ment of your imagination.
What can you find in the middle of April and March but not at the beginning or end of either?
The letter R!
My friend impresses girls by drawing realistic pictures of trucks. He's a pickup artist!
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing? Au revoir.
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."
~ Homer Simpson
Q: Why are cherries never lonely?
A: Because they hang around in bunches.
Werewolves keep their spare things in a were-house.
I have always had acrophobia, but the plane flight brought it to a new height.