Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.

“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous

Are you a phone? Because I want to hold you in my hands all day and ignore the rest of the world while I stare at you alone in my bedroom.

A cup of coffee is the ideal start to a brew-tiful morning!

What do you call a skeleton who rings the doorbell?
A dead ringer.

Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?

“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar

If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.

You're hotter than sulfuric acid and sugar and you smell twice as sweet.

What do bees use to build roads? Nec-tar.

How does a pineapple answer the phone? “Yel-low?”

“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen

Hear about the saxophone player who switched from a tenor to a soprano saxophone in the middle of the concert?
The press made quite a big deal out of his sax change.

This is snow laughing matter!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
ORANGE YOU GLAD I DIDN’T SAY BANANA!

I never count my chickens before they're hatched.
Because they're eggs.

The time has come to pop the question,
Will you spend your life me?
And before you answer, I want you to know,
A “yes” comes with a shopping spree!

(Unknown)

What did the WiFi router say when it was unplugged?
"Tell my wifi love her

“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson

Why are bones so calm?
Nothing gets under their skin.

Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!

You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!

You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!

They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!

Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!

Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!

(Fiazio)

I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.

“I’m staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.”

What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!

What did the pillow say when the blanket asked it to come hang out?
I'm down

What is a cat’s favorite Tom Hanks character? Furrest Gump.

How did the woman react when the doctor suggested she have a brain biopsy?
She gave him a piece of her mind.

When I see your face there's not a thing that I would change...

What’s an orange’s favourite animal? An orange-utan.

What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.

I don't want to be alone. Help me make it through the night.

In the middle of the night yesterday, I dreamt that I was swimming in a sea of oranges only to wake up and realize that it was just a Fanta-sea.

What does a Saudi bee call its bros?
Habibees.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Q: What’s red and invisible?
A: No cherries.

How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.

I’m feelin’ pine.

What did the deer say to his funny friend? You’re deer-larious!

Why did the telecommuter quit her job? Because talk is cheap.

Hey baby, are you made up of dark matter? Because you’re indescribable.

A book fell on my head. I can only blame my shelf.

“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”

- Franklin P. Jones.

What do dolphins need to stay healthy?
Vitamin Sea!

You’re like a dictionary—you add meaning to my life.

Hey girl, I heard God called you.
Can I do the same?

I’m like a boomerang. I just keep coming back to you.

Baby, I am only tempted by two things: you and chocolate.

“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”

- Corey Ford.

What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.

Why do trees always get hired? They have the right qual-leaf-ications.