Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.

If I asked you out, could the answer be Ameli-yeah?

Do you sleep on your stomach? No. Can I?

Was that an earthquake or did you just rock my world?

Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!

I would talk about Valentine’s Day
But it looks like I missed my date.

A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered

Why don't crabs donate to charity?
They're shellfish penny pinchers.

"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain

“We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~Buzzie Bavasi

Wanna go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.

What do birds like to put in their soup? Crow-tons.

Starts off in the morning, wakes up at six,
Grooms itself using its tongue and licks.
I give it breakfast with a friendly pat.
That's the daily morning of my cat.

Returns for lunch at one o' clock.
Eats milk rice and then goes for a walk.
Sometimes even hunts and catches a rat.
That's the daily afternoon of my cat.

Naps after lunch outside my door.
Sleeps so deeply, perhaps even snores.
Doesn't like the ground; it prefers a mat.
That's the daily evening of my cat.

Wakes up refreshed and comes for dinner.
Does it eat too much? Shouldn't it be thinner?
Eats and sleeps - hope it doesn't get fat.
That's the daily night of my cat.

(M. Tarun Prasad)

You make me feel a lot giddier like I have eaten a box of chocolate.

What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!

Why do kids love to clean out the cookie jar for Halloween? To make room for Halloween candy.

Whats the worst thing about manufacturing tabletops?
It's counterproductive.

How do koalas stay in shape? They do bearobics.

Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.

You know what they say about when life gives you melons?
You might be dyslexic.

Birds too love cheering on their soccer teams. They egg them on.

"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket

What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies? a garbage truck.

If Russia attacked Turkey from behind do you think Greece would help?

Excuse me, but I think I dropped something! My jaw.

Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah - he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.

"My Cat Is Fat"

I’ve a cat named Vesters,
And he eats all day.
He always lays around,
And never wants to play.

Not even with a squeaky toy,
Nor anything that moves.
When I have him exercise,
He always disapproves.

So we’ve put him on a diet,
But now he yells all day.
And even though he’s thinner,
He still won’t come and play.

– James McDonald

“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson

You must be a birthday, because each time you come near,
I get so very excited, and so very full of cheer!
You must be the new year, because each time you come round,
All I do is want to celebrate, and make a joyous sound!

I put a blanket on a small pepper
He said he felt a little chili

You know what really bugs me?
Insect puns.

If you encounter a sea monster, you better get Kraken!

I love the way you look at me,
The sharpness of your gaze.
The way I hold you my arms,
You keep me in a haze.
I love the scent you bring with you, when you come into my home.
You bring me so much happiness,
I can’t leave you alone.
You pale them in comparison,
The rest cannot do better.
You are my favorite in the world,
I love you so much, Cheddar.

What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? Tie won shu

The doctor advised I tried a milk bath. I asked if it needs to be pasteurized. No, just above the knees she replied.

What's the difference between and Buffalo and a Bison?
You can't wash your face in a Buffalo.

What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas

To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?

Are you an angle? Because you're so acute.

Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.

What did the fisherman say to the card magician? Take a cod, any cod.

What do you call a frog hanging from the ceiling at Christmas?
Mistletoad.

I wasn't making enough money as a keyboard percussionist so I started moonlighting as gun salesperson.
I go from glockenspiel to Glock and spiel.

I visited Spain and couldn't stop looking at the architecture
It was very Moorish.

I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.

The shark and the computer are so alike. They both have and use their megabytes.

“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”

- Colette.