I heard Medusa looked really pretty.
In fact, her looks were stunning.
What did the kangaroo say about the man who kidnapped her joey?
Stop that pick-pocket!
At Thanksgiving, my brother tried to carve the turkey with a grapefruit spoon.
He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
"Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss."
~ Jim Murray
What do the lady pigs say when someone leaves the toilet seat up? “Hoof-orgot to put the seat down?"
Why did the magician have to cancel his show? Because he just washed his hare and couldn’t do a thing with it.
I keep asking my physics teacher "what is the unit for power?"
But he just saying "Yes."
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
How do you spot a deer behind you? With hind-sight!
I felt sad for my brother's computer being overclocked because I heard the processor say, "Stop it! It hertz so much!".
How do you get down off an penguin?
You don’t – you get down off a duck.
How does Bigfoot stay in shape?
It does Sas-squats.
What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? A Hot Cross bunny.
What do you call a very smart bunny? An egghead.
Are you an alien because you abducted my heart long ago.
Before I became a dad, I was terrified I wouldn't know how to be a good one. Oddly enough, it turns out, it's in my blood - I come from a long line of fathers.
In case of not being,
able to count up to seven,
you can use your fingers.
Who was the knight that was very secretive?
Sir Reptitious
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
My brother was trampled to death by a flock of sheep.
May he rest in fleece.
What did the thunderstorm say to the lightning rod?
You'll never catch me, copper!
I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
Why is grass so dangerous? Because it is full of blades!
This lady at the supermarket is staring at me, like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant...
And then put it back on the shelf.
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
You are my semicolon; always present in everything I do.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
The strawberry was scared of the cream. They were afraid it had gone bad.
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.
Do you like math? No? Me neither. In fact, the only number I care about is yours.
Why is earth worm humor offensive?
They only know dirty jokes.
Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
What do you call a boat in training?
An apprenticeship.
What is a scarecrow’s favorite fruit?
Strawberries.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
Oh, the heat! Doesn’t summer know – you’re all the sunshine I need!
Did you ever notice that supermarket music is actually ideal for slow dancing with strangers?
My neighbour always thinks he knows more about the weather than me
The guy is a real snow it all.
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.
What kind of sandwich does Kissy the Elf like for lunch?
A wrap!
There's a group of girls that love vampires at my school. I really want to join their fang club.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
What happens when you turn on a computer?
You turn it's floppy disk into a hard disk.
Why does the river have problems remembering things?
Because she is becoming sea nile.
What do you call a viking cemetary?
A grey fjord.