"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain
What is a baker’s favorite type of icing?
Fawn-dant.
I have a snake and he wants to enter your garden.
What do you sing to cows on their birthdays?
Happy birthday to moo…
Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
What kind of vest should you wear in the fall?
A har-vest.
What happens when you cross an iron with a telephone? You get a smooth signal.
What do you call a lobster with a Christmas hat?
Santa Claws
My pet crocodile needs help
Can I give him gatorade or does it only work for alligators?
What do you do with a dead geologists?
Barium
According to pig etiquette, piglets are meant to be porcine and not heard.
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
I took my pet tiger to my doctor
Because it had a very bad day.
Now, my tiger’s depression is still there,
But my doctor has gone away.
(Barry Stebbings)
Boss: "How good are you at PowerPoint?"
Me: "I Excel at it."
Boss: "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"
Me: "Word."
Which type of dinosaur could jump higher than a house ? Any kind! A house cannot jump!
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
What do you call a dude who really likes autumn?
A fall guy!
According to physics, light travels faster than sound. If that is really the case, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?
What was the skeleton doing at the hockey game?
Driving the zam-boney.
What do crows drink in order to stay awake? They drink cawfee.
What does a flower therapist ask her patients?
Are you feeling bouquet?
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
What do you call Tyrannosaurus rex when it wears a cowboy hat and boots ? Tyrannosaurus tex!
You can always find the little cows eating lunch inside the calf-etiria.
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain
What do you call it when a monster gets mad?
Ogre-reacting!
Golfer: I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.
Caddie: Try heaven. You’ve already moved most of the earth.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
Who never minds being interrupted in the middle of a sentence? A convict.
What did the tailor think of her new job? It was sew sew.
Why don’t elephants use computers?
Because they’re afraid of the mouse.
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
The way you talk to me leaves me aphasic.
I seen my father pouring chicken soup over his compost yesterday
I suppose chicken soup IS good for the soil.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
What’s a farmer’s favorite piece of furniture?
a COWch.
HIJKLMNO is the formula for water
H to O.
Are you a sweet honeybee? Because you have stung me in the heart
What do you call a gorilla in a cement-mixer?
King Koncrete.
How can Irish people tell when it’s summer?
The rain gets warmer.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
What did the pizza say to the delivery guy?
“You don’t pepper-own me.”
…and what did the delivery guy say in reply?
“Hey now, don’t get saucy.”
Clean water is like password
Not everyone has access to it.
Why did the ghost go to the bar? To get some boos.
Today isn’t the day to be making jokes about the weather.
It’s snow joke.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.