It’s so cold we have to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our clothes!
I got so mad at my partner hitting moonballs, I had to pusher off the court.
What did the corn say when it was being followed?
“I’m being stalked!”
Where do robots go for fun?
The circuits.
Any noise annoys an oyster but a noisy noise annoys an oyster more.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
Why are flowers so good at problem-solving?
They know how to nip things in the bud.
What did the flower tell his son before a big game?
I’m rooting for you.
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.
My daughter was just complaining about washing dishes by hand
I told her, “well... it’s better than washing them by foot.”
What do donuts think about donut puns? They donut like them!
Did you hear about the submarine industry?
It really took a dive...
"Start slow, then taper off."
Walt Stack
A pirate I know likes clothes made by an Italian fashion giant...
He dresses in Argh-mani suits.
"You bake me crazy."
Let's be like Noah and do this as a pair.
We’re a perfect mash.
Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?
He was dead lifting.
Why is the air so clean and healthy on Halloween?
The witches sweep the sky.
I came across an injured flamingo the other day. I tried to help, but luckily it was already receiving medical tweetment.
My dog went on his first date.
But she was a mal-TEASE.
What are the fastest fish in the river? The motor-pike with a side-carp!
Are you glitter? Because you add sparkle to my life
For the first time, we are going to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!
What did Michael Jackson say to his chess opponent?
“It don’t matter if you’re black or white.”
The reason you will see all the cows lie down when it starts to rain is because they want to keep each
udder dry.
Why is the moon so conceited at times?
It becomes full of itself.
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
I know you’ve turned me down before, but I’m asking for an extra shot.
How much dew does a dewdrop drop
If dewdrops do drop dew?
They do drop, they do
As do dewdrops drop
If dewdrops do drop dew.
Who were the first cheese lovers ever?
Edam and Eve.
What is a dog’s favorite movie series?
Fifty shades of Greyhound.
Are you the moon? Because even when it’s dark you still seem to shine.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
On Halloween night a group of crows decided to enact a scene from the play Julius Ceaser, they were enacting the caw-nspiracy scene.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
“Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.”
I'm saving for a rainy day, so far I've collected a couple of raincoats, an anorak, and a dinghy.
This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.
What do you get if your lovers soul was trapped in a sword for all eternity?
A babe-blade.
I went to a restaurant and had a salad. Afterward, I got an intense pain in my stomach. I visited the doctor and he told me that I had grass-troentiritis.
Why do cows eat grass?
I mean, someone has to moo the lawn.
Did you invent the airplane? ‘Cause, you seem Wright to me.
It’s so hot your clothes iron themselves.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
What do you call a dog from the Wild West?
Clint Eastwoof.
Have you heard about the chef on space station? He’s not that much of an astronaut, but his food is literally out of this world!
The truck load of tortoise that crushed caused a turtle disaster.