Hey, Baby do you want to see what tricks my treat could do?
What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?
COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You have me greening from ear to ear.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
Why didn't the watermelon marry the strawberry?
They cantaloupe.
Gobbling gorgoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
Why should you avoid discussing coffee around sensitive people?
It can lead to a really heated, strong debate.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
What is fire to a pyromaniac?
Just a warm-up.
Why does the yogi meditate under the citrus tree?
Because it’s a sub-lime spot.
Did you overstay your visa? Because you got 'fine' written all over you
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
A captain was barking at his crew. "What do you think is between yer ears!?"
"Eye Eye, Captain!"
I think you and I could make a perfect Caleb-oration
Crows organized a cawnfrences, to discuss the upcoming project.
"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
How do you offer a camel tea?
"One hump or two?"
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta
If I had a dollar for every time I thought of you, I'd only have a dollar because you never leave my mind.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
You are my loop condition. I keep coming back to you.
If a person would have several friends,
here's the thing upon which it depends;
are you willing to share
when there isn't much there
and burn up your day from both ends.
(By Steve Mckee)
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
What do chemists make guacamole out of?
Avogadros.
A boy ghost thought a girl ghost was cute so he asked if she would be his ghoul-friend.
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
How do spiders communicate? Through the World Wide Web.
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!
What did the lollipop lady say to the zebra crossing?
'You're stripping me of a job.'
What do you do when your dog chews a dictionary?
Take the words out of his mouth.
What genre are national anthems?
Country.
Eddie edited it.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
What goes in dry and comes out wet. The longer I'm in, the stronger I get.
What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.
Did you hear about the corn stalk that changed careers?
He went into a different field!
What do you call a lobster with a Christmas hat?
Santa Claws
What’s a tree’s favorite dating site?
Timber.
Why did some of the elves spell Christmas as N-O-E? Because Santa said No L!
Every single person on my flight was reading at the same time.
The plane was fully booked.
Where do zombies go sailing?
Lake Eerie.
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
My father cooked us mushrooms. Later he asked "Having fun guys"?
It’s so cold the local graveyard put heaters out for the ghosts.
The summer sun makes me as happy as a clam at high tide.
A detective recently came into town to visit the new sushi restaurant
He heard there was a fishy business.
Rain doesn’t fall. Raindrops.