Knock, knock
Who’s There?
Annie
Annie Who?
Annie thing you can do, I can do better.
What is a basketball players favorite kind of cheese? Swish cheese!
What’s an elephant’s favorite sport?
Squash.
Are you the morning bus?
'Cause i always miss you...
What did Van Gogh name the ear he didn't cut off?
Van Stay.
This may be corny, but you are a-maize-ing.
How did Gertie Gorilla win the beauty contest? She was the beast of the show!
Hey girl, are you a newspaper?
Because you get picked up by random guys on the bus.
"Does your father sell diamonds? Because you are FLAWLESS!"
What advice would you hear from a zombie?
- Never put your eggs into one casket.
I love when you coddle me.
Mmm baby! You’re decomposing in ALL the right places!
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
Did you know Def Leppard's drummer makes the best Thanksgiving guest?
He only ever needs one drumstick.
My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
Did you hear the story about a Golden Retriever who brought a ball back from miles away?
It was far-fetched.
Are you a time traveler? Because I absolutely see you in my future.
There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
If I had to describe myself in 3 words?
Lazy.
“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub, It’s overflowing!
"Glow Worm"
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm’s never glum,
’cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum!
– Taylor Russell
Sinks cannot open doors
Let that sink in.
Philosophy: A study which enables man to be unhappy more intelligently.
What do you call a girl who's very good at human chess and checkers?
Ingrid.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
My wife asked me this morning "Do you want a bacon omelette?"
I said "No, I'd rather fry one."
There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
Easter and April Fools’ are on the same day this year.
For efficiency, send your kids to look for eggs that you haven’t hidden.
What did the WiFi router say when it was unplugged?
"Tell my wifi love her
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”
There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his wife,
And she said, 'Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt by all Tartary!'
My email password has been hacked again
That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.
What does the mushroom say to his lover? – “I have so mush-room in my heart for you, baby!”
The river turned out to be a great party guy because he just went with the flow.
Why are parrots so loyal? They are a man of their bird!
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
Which Bible character had no parents?
Joshua, son of Nun (Joshua 1:1).
You: Can I borrow a quarter?
She: why? (if she says sure or something else get her to ask you why).
You: so I can call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.
The next door beaver couple got arrested for illegal streaming.
Everyone said the wind was powerful. So, I went outside and was blown away.
What do you call a small Minotaur?
A Minitaur.
This Valentine's day, I decided to pay extra and buy flowers that look after themselves.
They are Self Raising.
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
The dentist said that he could knock me out with gas, or he could use a big metallic rock.
I said ether/ore.
Dr. Frankenstein must have been pretty buff.
He was a bodybuilder, after all.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.