I hear Jake finally broke up with his crazy grocer girlfriend; never could tell water problem was.
I've got some wicked feelings brewing for you.
Kids and I are making burgers for my wife on Mother's Day....
I hope they meat her expectations
What did the pun mom say to the new pun dad?
We have a pun in the oven!
I enjoy the cold weather
But only to a certain degree.
Will you remember me in a minute?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a week?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a year?
Yes.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
You didn’t remember me!
If this new covid vaccine works...
...It'll be a real shot in the arm for 2021.
"Hey, dad, there's a leak in the sink. Should I call the plumber?"
"No silly, just put it in the fridge!"
Let’s list the froze and cons.
What do you call the shirt a neurosurgeon wears to every brain surgery?
His specialty.
"No body won the skeleton race."
I don’t know what I’d do without you, but starting tomorrow I’m going to give it a try.
When I was in basic training we couldn't have salt or pepper.
Those were reserved for the seasoned veterans.
Your Zygomaticus Major is the best thing that I have witnessed.
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey
What do Penguins sing on a birthday?
Freeze a jolly good fellow.
"Patience is not a virtue for Aries. The phrase Speak now or forever hold your peace, was probably created by an impatient Aries."
— Dr. Atara
Apple and orange were the only two left that evening. Everyone else had dates.
Sunshine on a Woman's Day?
Broad-day light.
My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-making factory. Now they’ve gone into liquidation.
Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?
For the lute.
What is a monster's favorite food? Ghoul scout cookies.
What do you call an imaginary yacht?
A dream boat.
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
Oscar Wilde
Are you a lion of the sea? Because I’m sure, I’ll see you in my bed tonight, lion.
When a girl saw a sad alligator at the zoo she asked him; hey are you cai-man?
A flamingo can be a really good friend to have. However, they generally fit the bill really well.
Pumpkin Spice and Everything Nice
Why is the world so diverse? Because it contains alkynes of people.
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
Woddy Allen
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
You’re like a dictionary—you add meaning to my life.
A slat spreading truck knocked me off my bike last year. I yelled “You idiot!” through gritted teeth.
What do u get from a perverted apple? Hard Cider.
During the Great Depression, President Hoover didn't give a dam.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
ORANGE YOU GLAD I DIDN’T SAY BANANA!
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
When the student had asked the History teacher what questions will be there for the History exam, she answered, "The Past."
Is your name Summer? Because you are hot!
What do you call a pig thats wrong? Mistaken bacon.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
It’s so hot that my chocolate milk is now hot cocoa.
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who wore a pale plum-coloured vest;
When they said, 'Does it fit?'
He replied, 'Not a bit!'
That uneasy Old Man of the West.
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
“What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.”
Tina Fey
A strawberry who is a thief is called a rob-berry
What do you call a pear with loose morals?
A prostifruit.
Orange you excited for Halloween?
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns