Hold the sugar, please. You're sweet enough for me.
Where do bats go to gamble?
Bat-lantic City.
What do rocks eat?
Pom-a-granites.
When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor?
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
What's a horse's favorite sport?
Stable tennis.
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
I can't stand people who don't wash their hands.
They make me sick.
Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.
What do you call an eyeless deer?
No-eye-deer.
What do you call a group of killer whales carrying musical instruments.
An orca-stra.
I find my core strength in you.
Where does Snowy the snow man hide his money?
In a snow bank.
A pickle store is giving out their new tea-flavored pickles on the street today
I tried some and I guess they tasted quite a-tea-pickle.
There are actually two types of apple: pine – apple and bad – apple.
Why do you think is the moon bald? Because it has no ‘air.
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
Baby you be the tree and I'll wrap around you like a koala bear.
Donut take this the wrong way, but I just want to sprinkle you with sugar and spice.
Call me the pace clock, cause you sure can count on me.
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
Why did the thief cut the legs off his bed?
Because he needed to lie low.
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
What's a zombie's least favorite quiz question?
A no-brainer.
Come, let’s measure the coefficient of friction between us.
Why was the criminal dubbed the Beer Runner let go after being arrested for stealing 23 beers?
'Cause the prosecutors didn't have a case.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said it was jammed.
Which dance will a chicken not do?
The foxtrot.
You’re the pumpkin pie of my eye.
“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch big band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
This palace is a breath of fresh heir!
Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep? So he could have sweet dreams. What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.
While cutting the onions, my eyes were leek-ing tears
Girl you are rocking this run.
What do you call a famous inmate? A cellebrity.
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little money for the movies.
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
In the Beginning there was nothing … then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
My Little Chocolate Mess
Bathwater and bubbles are waiting,
but my child is nowhere near.
Yet, I can see from cookie crumbs,
he's crawled from here to there.
Oh, yes! he's been in the kitchen.
I see his crooked crumb trail,
which leads to our white kitten,
with a chocolate, sticky tail!
In every room I search
for my little chocolate mess.
Then, I find him in the my bedroom,
with his hands on my new dress!
(Darlene Gifford)
Why did the dinosaur cross the road ? The chicken hadn't evolved yet!
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.
She had so many chances
Yet she kept muffin it up
Butter intentions were good
Just not much coffee in her cup
Couldn’t make a good decision
Too much waffling back and forth
Always peppered with doubt
Should she head south, no maybe north
Still, she was fun at a party
I would say, hummus a tune
She’d say, Icing because I’m happy
As the words began to croon
Maybe that’s what’s most important
Omelet let her off the hook
So she’s always in a pickle
Doesn’t do things by the book
Once again, I’m gonna help her
Since she is such a good egg
I said, girl, you’d go much farther
If you weren’t such a nut Meg
(Mike Gentile)
If you coriander into my tomato soup, you will give me a soup-herb dish.
When God made you, he was just showing off.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.