I was going to buy a new pillow....
but I decided I better sleep on it first
You look pretty cool, I hope you don’t lead me Jack to square one
Who is king of all the mice?
Mouse Tse Tung!
What do you do with a sick chemist? You try to helium, and then you try to curium, but if all else fails, you gotta barium.
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.
I'm debating whether I should cross the river on foot or use my rowboat...
It's row v. wade.
[Pool Noodle] That’s using your noodle!
I just had the most manly craft beer at my Israeli restaurant.
It was called He-Brew.
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
In case of an emergency, pull down the zipper on my pants.
“Twinkle twinkle sleepy star, wake up now it’s the 11th hour, up above the world so high, the sun has risen in the sky.”
– Mickey Nice
What do you call a really cold, young werewolf?
A pupsicle.
If a man is alone in the garden and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware? Idaho... Alaska!
Why did the barber win the race? Because he took a short cut.
I'm not the fig plucker,
nor the fig plucker's son,
but I'll pluck figs
till the fig plucker comes.
Asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health insurance.
Gold riddance.
What do you call bears with no ears?
B.
You are sweeter than 3.14.
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
You radiate in the shortest wavelengths I’ve ever encountered.
Is that a discharge in your underwear, or are you just happy to see me?
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.
I keep making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.
The doctor told me he found something alarming in my colonoscopy.
Turns out it was a clock.
Hey, I think I could rock your world if you Dave me a chance…
What did the Tyrannosaurus rex get after mopping the floor? Dino-sore!
2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."
I tried to play a bass guitar once.
It didn't make much sound, and it slipped out of my hands and swam away.
I like fried chickpeas, but I shouldn't eat them. Every time I do I falafel.
You're like my favourite chocolate bar - half sweet and half nuts!
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone
Roses are red, violets are blue. In all this land, there’s no lady fairer than you.
What’s something a kangaroo has that no other animal has?
Baby kangaroos.
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”
Needless to say I was in stitches.
"Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due." ~Author Unknown
What do you call a happy penguin?
a Pen-Grin!
What is a gorillas second favourite fruit to eat behind bananas?=
Ape-ricots
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
What did the bacteria say to the bee to cheer it up?
Gram positive
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
How do you know it's cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get chocolate ice cream!
What would you get if you'd put a lawyer in a suit? A lawsuit.