When one tree asked another how it was doing in November, it replied, "I am pine!"
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
Why did the artist use the bathroom? Because she was consta-painted.
What did the two onions who were lovers say to each other before being separated? "Our love will forever go-nion on!"
If H20 is in the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside ?
K9P.
What runs but can't walk? The faucet!
Why can't Woody play his guitar?
He doesn't know where his Pixar.
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk? Dirty looks from the mouse!
Who would win a game of hide and seek between a dalmatian and a tiger? The tiger because he wouldn't be spotted.
Could I have your name and number for my prayer list?
I was talking to a barn owl last night, when I mentioned that I'd just got engaged.
He said, "You twit! To who?"
Why are goats from France musical?
Because they have French horns.
What does a flower say when they’re surprised?
What in carnation!
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
Why wasn't the jogger all that bummed out when his girlfriend broke up with him?
'Cause they had a good run.
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
What cars do zombies drive?
Monster trucks.
What is the national fruit of Afghanistan?
Talibanana.
If you were a bouquet of fresh-cut flowers, I would take you home.
Where do monkeys go to drink?
To the monkey bars.
Does Mr. Otterton listen to Gazelle? Yes he's a rabid fan.
What sits in a tree and says "Hoots mon, hoots mon?"
A Scottish owl.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
SpaceX is launching astronauts today with a new space catapult
Bringing forth a new era of crude spaceflight.
Pick-up line: You might as well play be a tennis player, because I’m about to court you girl.
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
You know, I don't need energy bars to keep me going.
What do you get from an Alaskan cow ? Ice Cream
I made a fiddle from a squash yesterday...
... i think it's broken, it only plays gourd vibrations.
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
What’s the one book all piglets read in grade school? A Series of Un-porcine-ite Events.
I'm sorry I wasn't around in the past. Can I be part of your future?
What did the Gorilla say to his friend when he called him back on the phone?
You-Rang-a-Tang?
What did the Psychologist tell the geologist? "Every decline is a great Break Through"
How does one astronaut on the moon tell another astronaut that he is sorry?
He apollo-gises.
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
Why do flamingos fly south in winter? Because it would be too far to walk.
What is a baby parrot's favourite game? Beak-a-boo!
What did Avogadro teach his students in math class?
Mole-tiplication
I “lub” you.
I didn't know WiFi stood for Wireless Fidelity.
I guess I just didn't get the connection.
What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!
Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!"
He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."
Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's out of business. And, speaking of Hershey's, how about a kiss?
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the IT professional, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
How does the Grammar Nazi party fund its government?
Through a syntax.
"I like the parts of your face that are covered with skin."
- Anchorman 2 (2013)