RIP to Boiled Water.
You will be sorely mist.
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”
Damn girl, I must be reading a book because you are FINE print.
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
Why does the rabbit bring toilet paper to the party? Because he is a party pooper.
What does a horse do when it smells rotten seafood?
It scallops outta there.
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
The reason why soccer players are brilliant in math is because they know how to use their heads well.
What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.
Her: "Buffalo meat is delicious. What are they made of? Beef?"
Me: "No... They're made of buff."
I've got 4 eyes, 3 legs, 1 tail, and 12 toes. What am I?
A liar.
Why is it called Almond Milk?
Because no one would buy it if it was called Nut Juice.
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
What did Dracula say to the priest who visited his castle?
Don’t you ever cross me!
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
― Noel Coward
What do you call a Minotaur in a playground?
A swing and a myth.
What did the bat say to the friend who itched and squirmined?
Come back when you have washed out the virmin.
If you’re doing dangerous work on a platform that’s held together by screwed in bolts, then your life is hanging by a thread.
You know what’s on the menu? ME-N-U
My magical watch says you aren’t wearing any panties. Oh, you are? It must be an hour fast!
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
What type of dog would be the best at portraying Tina Turner?
An Angela Bassett Hound.
How many dinosaurs can fit in an empty box ? One . After that, the box isn't empty anymore!
The only thing hotter than your body is the sun.
“Unemployment is capitalism’s way of getting you to plant a garden."
~ Orson Scott Card
I've always liked Buffalo Springfield....
....For What it's Worth.
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
Do not eat that alphabet soup, or you will have a vowel movement.
Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
We did not understand what the mother turtle was saying because it was all in ridleys.
What do ghoul scouts hope to achieve by selling halloween cookies? They hope to make a good first impression.
How busy was the donuts day? It was jam packed!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Police.
Police who?
Police hurry up, it’s chilly outside!
What did the bus say to the frog? Hop on.
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener
I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!
(Rob Carmack)
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
The Grinch may have stolen Christmas, but you stole my heart.
What do you call an oriental cheese? Parm-asian
What do you call a very active hydra?
Hydradynamic.
If Messier retires he's sure to be moosed.
When you write copy you have the right to copyright the copy you write.
A salesman knocks on a door and a little kid answers. The kid's got a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. Salesman says, "Are your parents home?" Kid says, "What do you think?"
When I gave the wrong answer about Austrian composers in class, my teacher said, "Are you Schubert that?"
What do you call a gorilla in a cement-mixer?
King Koncrete.
Hey, if you can’t take the heat, get out of your clothes.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
What type of mushrooms can you put on a jacket? Button mushrooms.
Goldilocks was killed last night.
The killers did it with their own bear hands.