I tried asking some beavers to help me build my house. They didn’t give a dam.

What do you call a fishing boat with a great stereo?
bass boat.

What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in the dirt, crosses the road again, and then rolls in the dirt again?
A dirty double-crossing chicken.

I need to stop being such a numbskull.

Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.

"The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!"
— Terry Moore

You must be a narrative hook. Because you’re stuck in my mind.

What do you call a cherry that is hard as nails? Tough as old fruits.

Why did the slice of bread leave her boyfriend? She thought that he was just too knead-y.

"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus

It’s so hot I wish had got the cloth seats instead of the leather ones.

I know you got a thing for me,
But there’s a few things I first must say.
If you really are interested in me,
Then you must know these things today.

I’m not the perfect girl,
I will annoy and anger you,
I’ll nitpick and complain,
Until my face turns blue.

I may yell and shout a lot,
And I’ll carry on for a while.
I’ll tell you to shut up sometimes,
And to wipe away that smile.

I may whine and kick and scream,
If I don’t get my way.
And remind you that you’re useless,
And even ask you if you’re gay.

I’ll tell you not to hang out with friends,
And forbid you from staying out late.
You’ll never get to hold the remote,
And I’ll do all sorts of things you hate.

Don’t forget you’ll have to go shopping,
And wait for me for hours,
I’ll make you do the laundry,
And require you to buy me flowers.
But don’t you worry, don’t you fear,
You already know I’m a catch by now,
I just wanted to remind you, honey,
I’ll put up with you somehow.

(Unknown)

What do you get when you cross a tortoise and a llama?
A turtle-neck sweater.

Do you know what firemen often add to their soup? – They add firecrackers.

10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.

I used to go out with a homeless girl, like you. It was great. I could drop her off anywhere.

Does a green candle burn longer than a pink candle? No they both burn shorter.

“Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.”
- Elbert Hubbard

What do you get when you cross a ghoul with an owl?
Something that scares people and doesn’t give a hoot!

My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.

My son asked me how often planes crash
Usually just once

What happened to the pig who liked pineapple? He turned into a porky-pine!

What does a dragon eat with his soup? Firecrackers.

Is this the bus stop?
Because I'm here to pick you up!

Circumcision Now Seen As Pointless.

When it comes to mermaids growing legs, it's all in the de-tail.

What’s black, white and red all over?
A penguin with a sunburn.

“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling

What to spiders eat in Paris?
French flies.

What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.

Why don’t tigers like fast food?
Because they can’t catch it!

If a T-Rex slipped and broke its nose would it would need a dinoplasty?

Let me check your tag.
Yep, just as I thought - Made In Heaven.

Why did the realtor open a bakery shop?
Because he was dealing in dough!

The lake did not like the river because it felt that the river was not very lake-able.

Apparently you can get the Corona virus if your eye touches someone else's eye.
I guess it's a good thing I refuse to make eye contact.

Why can’t your ear be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.

What's a chess player's favourite starter?
Pawn cocktail.

What did the ocean say to the pirate?
Nothing, it just waved!

What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet? A UF-hoe.

In case of not being,
able to count up to seven,
you can use your fingers.

There once was a koala who could run at a speed of more than 800 miles per hour. He was the first koala to break the sound bearier.

What do you call it when a monster gets mad?
Ogre-reacting!

What do you get if a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.

Another term for hair that's tied up in a bun is
a hairball

How do you make a million dollars playing jazz? Start off with 2 million.

What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.

Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can't remember the number.

I'm a little upset, folks. Last night I went to this new restaurant for dinner and I had to use the restroom. And there was a sign in there that said, "Employees Must Wash Hands."
And I could not find one employee who would wash my hands.

You must be Australian because you've turned my life upside-down.