My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"

The vampire decided to eat a throat lozenge. It was the only thing he could think of to stop his coffin fit.

When an unripe strawberry saw the ripe strawberry, it went green with envy.

What happened when the werewolf swallowed a clock?
He got ticks.

I told my parents I wanted to raise goats for a living, but I was only kidding.

My best friend said we're like two peas in a pod. I'm confused, there's only one P in pod.

You’re so stunning even the Language Police are speechless.

What did the werewolf say when he sat on sandpaper?
- Ruff!

I am soup-er into the beautiful girl that I met yesterday at school.

What’s the sequel to that?
Fuller mouse!

How did the octopuses win the football match?
Ten tackles

ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.

Hey baby, the sun is not the only thing that rises.

Eggs are going up again.
That'll surprise a few chickens.

"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”

- Robert Fros

"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown

"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain

I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"

Why do kids love to clean out the cookie jar for Halloween? To make room for Halloween candy.

I'm pine-ing for you.

What’s a Movers favorite football team?
The Packers!

We’re a perfect mash.

"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer

Two blonds were driving down the road.
The blond driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working.
So the blond looks out the window and says, "Yes. No. Yes. No."

Ideally, the cost of a bowling game should be ten pinnies. However, with inflation, the price always goes up.

There was an exotic pet race to take place.

Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"

The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:

"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."

There was an Old Man of the Hague,
Whose ideas were excessively vague;
He built a balloon
To examine the moon,
That deluded Old Man of the Hague.

Levi's should pay you a royalty.

“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson

What do you call a turtle who takes up photography?
A snapping turtle.

I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.

I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

You're a beluga in this sea of cod.

What do you call it when it rains ducks and geese?
Fowl weather.

Q: What happened to the peach who went to meet the knife?
A: He came back in many peaches.

I lub dub you with all my heart.

You're as hot as a desert summer.

I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn't so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.

Why didn't the bicycle want to go anywhere?
It was two tired.

Eating no meat except fish is really bothersome.
I should stop being a Pesky-tarian.

Before I ducked out to the shops, my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shipping list.
Now I can't read it.

What do you call an outlaw goat?
Billy the Kid.

RIP boiled water.

You will be mist.

A person who only loves himself and waffles in the entire world is an Eggomaniac.

"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong

Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.

Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.

Are you undressing me with your eyes?!

Did you hear the story of the little ghoul that grew up?
It became a headhunter!

I couldn't shave this morning because someone stole my mirror.
The police are looking into it.