If you are ever babysitting a cherry, remember that their favorite cartoon is Tom And Cherry.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
Wine if you must. It’s not good to bottle up your emotions.
Hey baby, you got any diseases? Want some?
Why did we get sunglasses for you?
Well, we know what is true.
When the candles on your cake are lit
It will be bright we will admit.
(Theodore Higgingsworth)
This whole birthday thing is getting old, don’t you think?
How do you keep a goat from charging?
You take his credit card away!
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
Why did Rome Fall?
Because it slipped on some Greece.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
If somebody says "You pitch great for a southpaw," is that a left-handed compliment?
If you were a baseball field could I hit a homerun.
"Sweet Misery"
When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!
— Susanna Rose
What do you call a bear with no arms and no legs?
An ambulance. This is no time for jokes.
I’m so lepre-gone right now.
Are you a pranayama teacher? Because you just took my breath away.
Is it true that you are from China since I’m China get your number?
These puns are turtle-y hilarious.
When the pitch is flooded, soccer players can still go on. They just need to bring on their subs.
As a baseball player, I know my way around the bases.
Are you from Canada? Because if you're wondering if you can go out on a date with me, well, you CAN–UH-DUH!
What's the name of the funniest mountain range in the world? The Himhilarious.
Do you beer-lieve in magic?
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
Why was the parrot in prison? Because it was a jail-bird.
Baby, you remind me of the constitution, because you look like a national treasure.
A sloth walks in to a bar and waves to get the bartender’s attention, and says I’ll have...... a soda water.
The bartender replies “why the long paws?”
Where will Kim Jong-un’s ashes be stored?
In a Kim Jong-urn
I could have sworn that my skin had changed color
But it was just a pigment of my imagination.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I'd saved for the book I'm working on called "1,001 cures for itches."
I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)
When autumn arrives, the evergreen tree asked the deciduous tree, "Leafing so soon?'
What did the cactus wear with their suit?
A cactie.
My hair was acting crazy so I told it to comb down.
Are you from another world? You look like my love from another star.
I honestly cannot deal with puns.
But I can with a deck of cards.
Which soccer position does a Ghost play? Ghoulkeeper, of course.
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
"Check, mate."
"Checkmate."
"Hey! Can I get the check, mate?!?"
Where do the teenaged polar bears go to dance?
To the snow-ball.
What does a runner lose after winning the race?
His breath.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
Why don't aliens get hungry after being blasted into space?
Because they've just had a big launch.
A cowboy is walking down main street in nothing but his boots and hat...
Shortly after he got into town, a sheriff stops him.
"Sir, why in the hell are you walkin down the street naked as a jaybird?"
"I can explain! See I met this girl named Sally. Well, I took her back to my place and she took her shirt off... So I took off mine. Then she took her pants off... And I took off mine. She whipped off her britches... And I slipped outta mine.
"After that she laid down and hollered, 'Go to town cowboy!'
"So here I am."
From the moment I saw you, I knew I would be spending the rest of my life trying to avoid you.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
Why should you never expect perfection from geologists?
Because they all have their faults.
Is that the sun coming up... or is that just you lighting up my world?
What do you call a nervous baby ant?
A little antsy.