I “lub” you.
I like you sow much.
Hey baby, are you in a tunnel? Because we’re breaking up.
What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower? Vibrato.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Greece!
Greece who?
Are Greece and oil the same thing?
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
What do you call a frog with no back legs?
Unhoppy.
Best in snow.
Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk? Because he wanted to work over-time!
I’m trying to find a date for this weekend…do you Noah guy?
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
Hey kids! I went back in time and formed a British 80s pop group called The Vaccine!
And now The Cure is no longer necessary!
Coffee, tea, or just more of me?
What's a dancer's favorite Thanksgiving food?
Twerky
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
I can out here for an easy run, but you make my heart do speed work
What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an evil spirit? A poultrygeist!
I once had a gerbil named Bobby,
Who had an unusual hobby.
He chewed on a cord,
and now -- oh my lord,
now all that's left is a blobby.
I endured burnt offerings at the table -
A meal ‘cooked’ by my mother in law
If I hadn’t been married her lovely son
I’d have walked straight out of the door!
I heaved at every charred mouthful
Smiled, and said the meal was ‘divine’
She told me she’d had cookery lessons
But her food was only fit to feed swine!
Is my poem just a fairy story
Or is it a clever allegory?
(Laura Loo)
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
Wow, of course your name is Alice. Your body is a wonderland
We Rodin a taxi around the city after dark.
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position!
What runs but doesn't get anywhere? A refrigerator.
"I'm nuts about you."
There once was a girl named Sam
Who did not eat roast beef and ham
She ate a green apple
Then drank some Snapple
Some say she eats like a lamb.
Can I take your temperature? You're looking hot today.
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
Maybe you need a little Vitamin ME in your life.
What kind of facial hair should a sea captain have?
A boatee.
I told my mom there was a crack in her mug...
She said, ”No, only tea.”
What is the difference between a chemist and a geologist? While a geologist will drink anything fermented, a chemist just
drinks anything that is distilled.
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
The ref better give me 2 for hooking, 'cause baby I'm hooked on you.
Q. Which kind of cheese is made fom deer milk?
A. Moose-erella.
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
What did the horse say when it saw a sheepdog?
“Why is your furlong?”
The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts had a rental agreement
A lease in Wonderland.
What would you call a steak that leaped off the table and ran away? Fast food, of course.
What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire?
Dracowla.
I’m like a solar panel absorbing your radiant sunshine energy.
Silly Sally swiftly shooed seven silly sheep. The seven silly sheep Silly Sally shooed shilly-shallied south. These sheep shouldn’t sleep in a shack; sheep should sleep in a shed.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
What do you call a boat full of high school graduates
A scholarship.
Well, there are mixed reviews. People say the food is great. But there is no atmosphere or ambience.
Need a cart? No? How about a girlfriend?