I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.
Sorry I've been following you...
But my parents told me to chase my dreams.
Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was InTents.
What do you call a pig with a rash? Ham and eczema.
I don't have a foot fetish, but I'm pretty into mistle-toe.
Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
Where did the Flopper work in the offseason? At Dominik's Hat-Check.
It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.
How did Gertie Gorilla win the beauty contest? She was the beast of the show!
Turtles keep on winning battles because they are perfect at shelling their enemies.
Me and my ears hate badminton so much
It's making a racket.
BREAKING NEWS: Vietnam accidentally sank its own submarine killing all 350 on board
Whoops, wrong sub.
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
You'd make for some real smooth sailing
Man: "If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U and I together."
Woman: "They got it right the first time with the N and O."
What did baby clock ask mama clock? Where's father Thyme.
What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.
“I don’t need the facts. I’m a Pisces.”
— Phil Volatile
"I make pour decisions."
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
I was so amazed by your beauty that I had to run to the wall over there. So, I need to get your number and name to claim my insurance.
“Yoga is too slow.” — Rob Gronkowski
Did you hear about the new watermelon powered cars set to come out next year? Yeah, it’s too bad you only get a water-melon the gallon.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
What does a volleyball player do when they go to prom? They spike the punch.
What do you call vampires bats that cheer at football games?
Bat-on-twirlers.
What did the Mexican wrestler say after he ate a taco that was too spicy?
“It’s okay, I’ll just guac it off”
Two European frogs discuss their ancestry
"So, are you a complete french frog?"
"No. I'm a tad-pole."
The science teacher decided to take her class out on a field trip to the mountains because all the kids in her class desperately needed higher grades.
County to Pay $250,000 to Advertise Lack of Funds
Why don't the Maple Leafs drink tea? Because the Canadiens and Red Wings have all the cups.
You had to use rennet to curdle the milk for making Ricotta, not lemon juice!
This is not the right whey.
What kind of music do sophisticated kangaroos listen to?
Hopera.
What do squirrels eat at the fair?
A-corn dog.
This is too cliché, dear, but this is what I really feel, I love you to the moon and back.Copy0
I like my girls how I like my Covid.
19 and easily spread.
What do you call a bear with no socks on? Bare-foot.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
Why did the military use acid?
To neutralize the enemy base.
How do you measure a mosquito’s harddrive?
With bug bytes.
"What's with that fruit taped to your mouth?" the doctor asked. "Covid-19 prevention," the patient replied.
"You need a bandana, not a banana!"
I told my wife that I saw a sheep pondering its place in the world.
She asked me, “Can ewe even imagine?”
When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.
What streets do zombies live on?
Dead ends.
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”
Anthony Burgess
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
A group of crows is usually called a 'murder.' Technically, it's only a manslaughter unless there is probable caws.