Why did the dad prefer driving in the rain?
Things ran more fluidly.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
White wine costs less,
Than dinner for two.
I don’t know how to spell beautiful. all I know is without u, it’s impossible.
If you make a mistake of playing basketball with pigs, they will hog the ball.
What's the opposite of a positive crocodile?
A negator
What does a pizza wear to smell good?
Calzogne.
We’ve reached the pint of no return.
What is a baby parrot's favourite game? Beak-a-boo!
What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? Pil-grimace.
What do you call a berry that plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity!
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
Birthdays are sometimes hard to observe
Many people think they are for the birds.
Well, when I look at your age
I can see why you are at that stage.
Where did the years go
Another birthday, oh no
It only seemed like yesterday
We celebrated your birthday.
Oh who cares about age
Don't let it discourage
Be happy and just say
It is just another day!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown
I didn't think I was a snowman, but you just made my heart melt
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
Baby, are you a lane rope? Because I want to lay on you all day long.
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
What did the upright bass say to the nervous guitar?
“You’re too high strung, don’t fret.”
You know what you would look really beautiful in?
My arms.
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
What would a winged horse put in the bathtub?
A pegaLush bath bomb.
What group of cheese has been known to fly? Curds of prey!
What goes up when rain starts to come down?
Umbrellas.
Why did the chick disappoint his mother?
He wasn’t what he was cracked up to be.
Pennies and quarters rain from the sky
"Wow!" I say. "It's climate change!"
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
Why do all the boats in Scandinavia have barcodes on the sides of them?
It makes it easier to... scan da navy in.
I guess you could say that things hit by tornado's are blown up.
What kind of monkey likes seafood?
A shrimpanzee.
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
Question: What is the oldest animal?
Answer: The Zebra, it's still in black and white!
.
There's this movie I wanted to see and my mom said I couldn't go by myself...
Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.
Man: What are you looking at?
Woman: Somethin ugly!
What do you call a male witch?
Mitch
How do the Skywalkers like their bath water?
Luke-warm.
Milk trucks always drive so fast, don’t they? You blink and they’re already pasteurize.
I caught a fruit fly in the air and killed it.
I'm a gnatural born killer.
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
The artist was great. He could always draw a crowd.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
My English teacher told us to write about the history of our life. However, I hate writing, so I used AI to write it for me.
I guess you can say it's an auto-biography.
Who did the horse ask to be his second wife?
A manewer model.
RIP to Boiled Water.
You will be sorely mist.
"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."