What do you call a stoned, dyslexic crow?
A hybrid

Where do pigs keep their money? Why in the piggy bank, of course.

What do you call a clock on the moon?
A lunartick.

The moon landing is obviously fake.
The moon is clearly still up there.

I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.

“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland

Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.

Did you know vampires aren’t real?
Unless you Count Dracula.

Since her parents wanted to become wealthy fast, they ensured their daughter had an orange-d marriage.

My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine. I added fruit and orange juice, and now she sangria than ever!

What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.

I think you just tripped me, 'cause I just fell for you.

“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson

On Halloween night I will strut
Dressed like Jabba the Hut
Many sweets I will eat
As it is trick or treat
And double the size of my butt

Charles Dickens might have given you Great Expectations, but I can meet them.

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last, I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

Hey girl! Let me orbit around you.

What do yuppie sharks like to drink?
Jaw-va.

What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a large chested crab?
One’s a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean

I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.

What's the fastest thing on the river bed?
A motor-pike and side-carp.

Is your dad an Italian thief? Because you just stole a pizza my heart.

What did the Apple say to the lemon & lime when he found out they were correct?
Yeah, I guess you’re Sprite

What is the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman

Are you a tower? Because eiffel for you!

What would a winged horse play in a band?
The pegabass guitar.

Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.

What did Sophocles call his dating service in Ancient Greece?

Oedipal Arrangements.

“Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back." ~Author Unknown

What do you call Chewbacca when you have chocolate stuck in your hair?
chocolate chip wookiee.

What do you get when you put the number 3.14 in the middle of the onions? You get o-pi-nions!

The baby strawberries were berry upset when they heard that both their parents were in the jam.

I lost one pea from my plate at dinner the other day. It was an escape-pea.

Why did the computer spy get fired?
She couldn't hack it.

Can anyone advise me what color my hair is?
I find it's a bit of a grey area.

Why couldn't the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator?
She couldn't find the "10" button.

For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
It’s the little things that count.

A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."

What do you get if you cross a squirrel with a kangaroo?
An animal that keeps its nuts in its pockets.

Can you tell me what type of weeping tree this is? Yes, but you willow me one later.

What do cats eat for breakfast? Mice Crispies!

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.

What type of diet did the snowman go on?
The Meltdown Diet.

“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous

Why did the volleyball players like to practice in the library? Their coach said that they’d be doing some reading today.

What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.

On Halloween, I will be wearing a normal everyday T-Shirt
I'll be going as a Casualty

Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)

Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ?
Only people in the Woods’

What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.