My friends have been calling me a loon, because I'm crazy about you.
"I wood never leaf you."
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
Denis Waitley
I could never Passover you.
You make my heart slip 'n slide.
What kind of fish do Penguins catch at night?
Starfish.
"Happy eggster."
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was 2-tired.
Why did my wife cross the road?
To go back to the same shoe shop we went to three hours ago.
What do you call a mouse that doesn’t like being known about-?
Anonymouse.
I had lunch once with a chess player at a restaurant with checked tablecloths. It took him 3 hours to pass me the salt.
I had no clue how much lettuce to buy, so I called my wife from the grocery store.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
To all ya'll without tap water,
Get well soon.
What type of room do you eat? A mush room.
There’s a big thunderstorm. The road is blocked by a big mudslide. A little boy asks his dad, “Why does earth fall down like that?”
His dad answers, “It’s terrain.”
“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
Why do painters always fall for their models?
Because they love them with all of their art.
You’re like my coffee, you keep me up all night.
"I just want some peach and quiet!," said the orange.
What do you call a small, two winged insect resembling a mosquito that likes to keep the peace?
A diplognat!
Are you squiding me right now?
The artist thought she was all that and pen some.
Why did the werewolf need to talk with the skeleton?
He had a bone to pick with him.
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
The food here is quite so-fish-ticated.
Are you my phone charger? Because without you, I’d die
My sister was diagnosed as color blind. The revelation really came out of the blue.
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
That elliptical isn't the only thing getting my heart rate up…
Why did the girl walk into the ice cream store with an umbrella?
She heard there were going to be sprinkles
During World War 2, sending food to the troops was a challenge. Researchers had to concentrate to figure out how to send orange juice.
The man got shocked when he got down in the river because the river current was too strong.
A lion would never cheat on its wife.
But a Tiger wood.
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
Why did the horse go to jail?
The prosecutors failed to show the burden of hoof.
What did fog do to make the captain angry? He mist the boat.
Why did the bat fire a chauffeur?
He drove everyone batty.
Not even Fahrenheit, Celsius, or Kelvin can measure how hot you are!
Why shouldn't you iron a four-leaf clover?
You don't want to press your luck!
What does a cat wear to stop smelling? Antipurrspirant!
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
My friend impresses girls by drawing realistic pictures of trucks. He's a pickup artist!
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside.
What is the difference between a chemist and a geologist? While a geologist will drink anything fermented, a chemist just
drinks anything that is distilled.
What do you call a Koala that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
The only difference between a band teacher and a banned teacher
is what they were bangin
Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed an opportunity to call it "Substi-tooths"