My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”
Do you know a bakery around? Because I would like to purchase a sweet like you.
Nice beach balls, can I play?
What do you call a French leather coat maker...?
Jim Lapel.
Did all Europeans give Native Americans smallpox on purpose?
Or is that a blanket statement?
How did the gorilla know she was poorly? She had a belly ape.
Q: What is a cloud's favorite reptile?
A: A blizzard.
The best part of astrology is reading your daily horror-scope.
Why did the origami artist win her court case? She was great at doing the paperwork.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
Why did the owl invite his friends over?
He didn't want to be owl by himself.
How do you drown a Hipster? In the mainstream.
How do you know when an avocado is ripe?
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I'd like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
Fall makes me g-leaf-full!
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!
What vegetable did King Arthur pull from the stone?
Exparagus.
I tried smoking pot once.
I choked on the handle.
Witch doctors write their prescriptions in curse-ive.
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
Do you have the thyme? I need to get somewhere around tree o’clock.
I know, I’ll never have a chance with you but will you give me a chance to hear an angel talk?
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
Woke up this morning to a tap on my door.
That plumber has some sense of humour.
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
"Diaper Alert"
My God!
what's in yond wind yee broke
doth burn mine eyes
and make me choke.
Such bitter breeze
such wafting savor
assaults mine senses
which flee in terror!
No sewage pit
nor stagnant mire
cans't rival thine
unholy power.
A road dead skunk
in a summer's swelter
would smell more like a rose
most precious flower.
What cursed perfume
thou villainous rouge
doth linger in thine wake
begone and find your mom I say
it's her turn for goodness sake!
– Running Wolves
So I asked Satan if he had any milk I could drink...
He told me "No whey in Hell!"
In the middle of the night yesterday, I dreamt that I was swimming in a sea of oranges only to wake up and realize that it was just a Fanta-sea.
You don't need reflective gear, darling. Who could ever miss you?
Did you hear about the emperor penguin?
He had a freezing reign!
What's an inmates favorite fishing equipment? Jail bait.
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
What will you call a crazy spaceman? An astronaut.
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
My apologies for not flirting, I'm trying to seduce you with my awkwardness.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
What's green and wears a cape?
Super Pickle.
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
Girl, you should not have covered your beautiful eyes behind those Versace sunglasses.
My boss told me that he was going to fire the person with the worst posture
I have a hunch, it might be me.
After I won the game I decide to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV.
Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.
"I lava you."
What do you call fake oranges?
“Pulp Fiction”
Just like a blue supergiant star, you’re exceedingly hot and extremely bright.
My dads astronaut friend ate pizza in space
He said it was out of this world.
What kind of cheese protects a castle?
Moat-zarella.
The best place for a ghost to go on holiday is The Dead Sea.
When does a hot dog have a close shave? At the barber-cue!