Can I hold your hand?
Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move
What is the quickest way to get back on your feet when money isn’t really coming your way?
Miss a car payment.
Why was the girl staring at the carton of orange juice?
“It said concentrate.”
A dyslexic witch cursed me!
Now everything I touch turns to glod, an increasingly disgruntled gnome.
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” – Carl Fox (Martin Sheen)Wall Street
Do you like sub-bass? Because you just turn on my lower frequencies.
I don't want to be alone. Help me make it through the night.
Did you know that old bowlers do not die? They simply end up in gutters.
The computer had to visit the dentist at the very earliest opportunity as it had a BlueTooth!
Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!
Way fewer bars!!!
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.
For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super se*.”
After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”
Why isn't the the koala a real bear? He doesn't have the right koalifications.
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
I endured burnt offerings at the table -
A meal ‘cooked’ by my mother in law
If I hadn’t been married her lovely son
I’d have walked straight out of the door!
I heaved at every charred mouthful
Smiled, and said the meal was ‘divine’
She told me she’d had cookery lessons
But her food was only fit to feed swine!
Is my poem just a fairy story
Or is it a clever allegory?
(Laura Loo)
My girlfriend wants to open a yoga studio, even though she currently cannot afford it.
I told her it's a bit of a stretch.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side.
Why was the man holding a bottle of ketchup? Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.
How does an antisocial crow say about a family party? "It was murder".
Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.
How do you know when guacamole has gone bad?
When it turns guaca-moldy.
Who cast the spell of sleep on Dorothy? It was the wicked witch of rest.
I could have been an astronaut...
but my parents told me the sky was the limit.
Tonight, I’m on a hunt for your number.
My wife asked me to help her apply mascara...
It was an eye-opening experience.
I waited over an hour for my cappuccino and when it arrived there was too much milk and not enough coffee. Still, better latte than never.
What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!
I like bowling.
Seriously, it’s right up my alley.
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
Q: Why does the cherry have a hard time getting along with others?
A: It has crust issues.
I love analyzing texts, but you haven't sent me any.
What did the mama turkey say to her naughty son? If your papa could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
If you can tell me the difference between Flag Day and the 4th of July, I will buy you a drink.
Somebody stole all my lamps… I couldn’t be more de-lighted!
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was too tired..
What did the mushroom’s sing when they won the closed-cup? - We are the champignons!
I was arrested at the airport. Just because I was greeting my cousin Jack!
All that I said was "Hi Jack", but very loud.
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” – Mae West
Are you a pile of soiled dishes? Because I want to spend the entire evening with you.
Why did the clock in the donut shop run slow?
It always went back four seconds
Happy birthday to someone old enough to go vintage shopping in their own closet.
What do you call an East-European cosmetic?
Nail Polish.
Dr. Phil says that I am afraid of a commitment. Do you want to prove him wrong?
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
Do you know what my shirt is made of? Boyfriend material!
What words do windmills live by? One good turn deserves another!
What is a Ghost’s favourite treat? Ice-scream floats.