Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with a nice little fellow?
What cheese should you use to hide a horse? Mascarpone.
Why did the tadpole feel lonely?
Because he was newt to the area.
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
If I’d give you eleven roses, what would you see in the mirror? A dozen roses.
After I show a peach the way, it says: “I really ap-peach-iate your help!”
My wife tried to claim she was a night owl.
She was lying though, because when I tried to turn her head through 270 degrees, her neck snapped.
What would a tiger running a Xerox machine in the back of a store be called? A copycat.
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!
Do you prefer organic or local? Because I’m both.
“Happy Thanksgiving!!! Or as I like to call it: Cheat Day.” — Hugh Jackman
What is the brain's favorite television channel?
The Neural Network.
Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado!
What do you call the Greek version of Spider-Man?
Pita Parker.
In Ireland, I call the shots.
What did the baby mouse do when she saw a bat?
She ran home and told her mother she saw an angel
Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.
"Eggs-cuse me."
My friend pointed at a chandelier and said: "isn't that the coolest chandelier ever?"
I replied: "I don't know if it's the coolest, but it's up there."
What did the big stag deer say to the hunter?
“Buck off, man!”
“Those pizzas I ate were for medicinal purposes.”
― Amy Neftzger
How do you catch a squirrel who's interested in ornithology?
Climb a tree and act like a nuthatch.
Which dinosaur slept all day ? The dino-snore!
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
What is a dog’s favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas.
It’s so cold that when I needed an anesthetic, the dentist told me to stick my head out the hospital window.
“Sleeping bags are the most soft tacos of the bear’s world.”
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges.
Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.
I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet
Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
What time is it when people are throwing pieces of bread at your head?
Time to duck.
Why did the panda’s joke suck?
It was unbearable.
Diving into shallow water could lead to jumping to wrong conclusions.
How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!
Where does a turtle go when it's raining?
A shell-ter.
Cashier: Sir, would you like me to put your milk in a bag?
Dad: I would much rather keep it in the carton!
What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? Guardians of the Galaxy.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.The Peach President lost the presidential race because he got im-peached.
Bodies in garden are a plant says wife
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
Of course your name is Amy. I can already tell you’re Amy-zing
What’s a donut’s favorite lullaby?
“Sprinkle, Sprinkle Little Star.”
How did the space criminal escape from the prison planet?
He achieved escape velocity.
What streets do ghosts haunt? Dead ends!
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!
Hey, are you a bear cub? Because you’re un-bear-ably adorable.