You must be peanut butter because you're making my legs feel like jelly.
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan.
That was the highlight of my day.
These ideas are too shellow, they won’t be of any help.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
“My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.” – Anonymous
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
Unlike the Leafs, I will never let you down.
Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes.
Did you hear the joke about the lumberjack, The sheep and the goat?
I wood tell ewe, but it’s a baaaaaad joke
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
How does the Grammar Nazi party fund its government?
Through a syntax.
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
The male pig puts everyone to sleep.
You might say he’s quite a boar.
A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
Why did the sailor throw a penny into the whale’s mouth?
The sailor thought he was was a wishing whale!
Who gives sharks presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws.
What's an Ancient Egyptian favorite restaurant?
Pizza Tut!
"You give me premature ventricular contractions. You make my heart skip a beat."
- Natalie Portman, No Strings Attached (2011)
How many volleyball referees do you need to screw in a light bulb? None because they are always in the dark.
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
Why did the sheep cross the road?
To get to the baa-baa shop for a haircut.
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
Did you hear about the Elf booted from the chorus?
He couldn't Fa-la-la-la-long.
Who wrote the book "Great Egg-spectations"?
Charles Chickens.
Q. Where can you view sculptures and paintings created by deer?
A. At the art moose-seum.
Can an Australian with poor vision clearly see the moon?
No, but a "good eye might."
In Ireland, I call the shots.
Where did the milk write everything about her life? In her dairy.
I red a joke about colors once.
It blue my mind.
Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.
Wow, I was just wishing for a soulmate Anna minute later, we matched. What are the chances?
Why did the chicken use a bridge to cross the road?
He wanted to take the high way.
“Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.”
― Unknown
Why did the cat keep meow-ing? It didn’t want to be fur-gotten.
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor
Why did they put Viagra in chocolate bars? You eat it, She says, "Oh, Oh Henry!"
Why do cows eat grass?
I mean, someone has to moo the lawn.
Now I know why Solomon had 700 wives.
Because he never met you.
St. Patrick’s is all about the pursuit of hoppiness!
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
My dad and I saw this girl with a colorful backpack covered in pot leaves
He turned to me and said "thats a dope backpack". He is catching onto my slang.
What's the problem with Father's day?
It always falls on Son-day
What did the therapist say to the angry client when their cell phone battery died?
I suggest you find an outlet!
What did the werewolf say when he sat on sandpaper?
- Ruff!
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger's shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
The direction fields of my heart all point to you.