Why did the giant ape climb up the side of the skyscraper?
Because the elevator was broken.
What do you call someone who chokes on their tea?
A cough-y drinker.
Q: What did one tooth say to the other tooth?
A: Thar's gold in them fills!
What’s sweet and goes woof?
Pupcakes!
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.
Hey summer, long time no sea!
Baby, you better get out of that express lane, 'cause you're all that *and* a bag of chips.
Have a s-mash-ing birthday!
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
What is the brain's favorite television channel?
The Neural Network.
How can you tell that a blondes been baking chocolate chip cookies? Theres M&M shells all over the floor.
Are you the sun?
Because you should stay 93 million miles away from me.
Q. Why doesn't a big gorilla have to flush the toilet?
A. He scares the sh*t out of it!
Computers cannot make good boxers because their bark is worse than their byte.
St. Patrick’s Day makes me Spring to life.
I used to be the triangle player in a Jamaican band but I had to quit....
It was always just one ting after another.
You heard right: I only take off this mask for two things. Eating.
How many atoms are in guacamole?
Avocados number.
Being a soprano is a great opera tunity.
What do you call a dinosaur that's a noisy sleeper? A Bronto-snorus.
Hey baby, are you a cloud server?
Because I have something to upload from my hard drive.
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
Some bunny loves you.
Who's the scariest dancer ever?
The Boogie Man.
What is it called when an IT person gets surgery on their fingers?
Tech knuckle support.
Baby, you rock my world!
Why did no one drink the youngest milk? Its parents spoiled it.
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger
Why was the artist in an argument? She wanted to have the final clay.
You met all of my koala-fications
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.
Where do point guards take their dates to party after the game?
To a basket ball.
This headlamp isn’t the only thing getting turned on tonight.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
Nice Skates... wanna puck?
What did snow white say when she came out of the photo booth?
Some day my prints will come.
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
What breed of dog always gets cold?
A Bichon Freeze.
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
Woke up with sweats afraid I'd contracted the corona virus...
Changed into jeans and was all good.
"How does it feel?"
she asks what.
"To be the only star in the sky.'