I'd marry your cat just to get in the family.
The bread actor was sad because he lost a juicy roll.
If you notice this notice,
you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing.
“Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work."
~ Al Capp
Which is the building is the largest? The library because it has the most stories.
What did the arirst say to his friend who was stressed? Don't worry, paintbrush it off.
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
Arrrr. Wanna search me for buried treasure?
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
"You can't sip with us."
What did mama bread say to her kids?
It’s way past your breadtime!
I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.
Now my jaw’s all methed up.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
What did four of the last five presidents drink? Left-Tea.
You’re my lucky charm.
I “lub” you.
At what point will you love to change your bulbs the most?
When sparks fly.
Why was the orange feeling sad?
It lost its zest for life.
Now I know why there's no snow - you're so hot!
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
Before I ducked out to the shops, my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shipping list.
Now I can't read it.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I ain't no poet, but neither are you.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
How do the Vietnamese like their soup? Purrrrrfect.
It’s so cold we have to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our clothes!
What does a tornado wear under his clothes? Thunderwear!
What's the slogan for the New York Demon Chomping Advocacy Group?
Gobble the ghoul.
How to be evil:
Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace the monitor's wallpaper with a screen-shot of their desktop.
Baby, are you a lane rope? Because I want to lay on you all day long.
I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
With Coronavirus and our impending doom, I guess no one really had 2020 vision after all.
I did a good deed today by giving up my seat on the bus to an elderly lady...
How was I supposed to know she’d never driven a bus before?
How did Pavlov get such great hair?
He conditioned it.
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
What is a flower’s favorite vegetable?
Cauliflower.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
How many chefs does it take to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?
Only one and even then it’s a pretty tight squeeze!
We had a lively debate in physics.
It was a conversation of energy.
I was at the beach and saw this guy in the water yelling, “Help, shark! Help!
I just laughed because I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
What do you call a cat from Italy?
Spacatti.
TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.
I can go 90 minutes without stopping.
"I mead more wine."
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
Why can’t a legless skeleton win an argument?
They don’t have a leg to stand on.
The next person that asks me for pineapple juice, cranberry juice, lemonade, and a slice of orange all in the same glass is gonna get a “punch.
How does a horse make paper mâché?
With newspaper clip-clop-pings.
Why shouldn't you feed elves shellfish?
It makes them crabby!
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.