What’s the difference between a delivery driver and the pizza they deliver?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
What cheese do you use to get a bear out of a tree?
Camembert.
When do bakers stop making donuts?
When they get tired of the hole thing.
I once tried crossing a flamingo with a cement mixer. Sounds crazy, but I really wanted a good brick layer.
How can you tell if there's a dinosaur in the refrigerator ? The door won't close!
Super-duper storm troopers whoop it up at Death Star groupers: helmet thrashing, rebel bashing, laser blasting at party poopers.
What animal jumps when it walks and sits when it stands?
A kangaroo.
Why do realtors love skateboards?
Because they can flip them whenever they want!
Q. Why was the blonde disappointed after her visit to an apiary?
A. There weren't any gorillas there. DUH!
When I'm old and mankey.
I'll never use a hanky.
I'll wee on plants.
and soil my pants!
How was heaven when you left it?
What can I say? I enjoy going to court.
So sue me.
What do dogs increase?
The pup-ulation.
What did Homer Simpson say when he saw a female deer?
“Doe!”
My dog’s favorite band is The Beagles.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
What do you call a bad electrician? A shock absorber!
Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?
She had power and time but didn't get the work done.
A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.
Witches get sore joints because they have broom-atism.
If an astronaut steps on chewing gum then what will happen to him? He will simply be stuck on the Orbit.
Whats the first day of the week called in outer space?
Moonday.
What kind of music do sophisticated frogs listen to?
Hopera.
“There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.”
– Kristen Chandler
How do you spot a deer behind you? With hind-sight!
"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.
“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.”
Johnny Carson
“Everything goes better with tacos.”
― Rachel Caine
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
There once was a Halloween party
All of the costumes there were naughty
I tried to be cute
Wearing my birthday suit
And won the prize for costume most gaudy.
The highlight of the year for dear old Dad
Was Halloween when treats were to be had
His modus operandi
Son you collect the candy
Snickers for me - licorice for you lad.
I wanted to redo the flooring in my bathroom, but I did not have enough tiles...
It was a few'tile effort.
People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them. -- Dave Barry
What's a pickle's favorite book?
To Dill A Mockingbird.
You have goat to be kidding me.
My pants are approaching escape velocity.
What is the favorite color of onions all around the world? Their favorite color is the o-neon.
Are you a singularity? Not only are you attractive, but the closer I get to you, the faster time seems to slip by.
What made the baby cookie cry so loud? His mother was a wafer so long.
If you see a wasp, don't kill it. Let it bee.
What should you wear before driving?
The correct gear.
What do you get when you cross a parrot with a shark?
An animal that talks your head off.
At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."
My wife ordered one of those new heavy blankets but delivery took forever...
She says it was worth the weight.
What can a whole orange do that half an orange can never do?
“Look round!”
“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
My life is so sad and lonley (why) because you're not in it.
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
What's green and hangs from trees? Dinosaur snot.
What’s a penguin’s favorite salad?
Iceberg lettuce!