Don't get tide-up in sorrows, you will only cry a river.
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
Why was the skeleton stupid?
He was a numskull.
What does a squirrel wear on its feet?
Cashews
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Joan Rivers
What is a koala’s favorite soft drink? Koka-Koala, of course!
What’s orange with bad hair and hears ‘boo’ a lot?
A haunted pumpkin with a wig.
Are you tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day with a frisbee in your mouth.
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
Why can’t a fish every play volleyball? They are afraid of the net.
What was the motto of the unique deer? Deer to be different!
Hey pumpkin – I bet I can put a smile on your face.
Do I know you? Because you look a lot like my next girlfriend.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
I thought my ballet-themed body art was unique
But then I saw someone who had a tutu tattoo, too.
I started dating a girl I really like. She's really into bees.
I think she's a keeper
There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.
“Working is bad enough in the winter, but in the summer it can become completely intolerable.”-
Tom Hodgkinson
What’s worse than finding a worm in your pear?
Finding half a worm.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
Why an astronaut can be said similar to a football player? They both strive for touchdowns!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don't eat with your mouth full!
What key on the keyboard is truly out of this world?
The spacebar.
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
What kind of car does a viking drive?
A fjord
Vasco de Balboa told the Queen of Spain, “I discovered a large body of water on my journey.”
She said, “Could you be a little more pacific?”
Man: I can make your bed rock
Woman: No you can't I have a Tempurpedic.
“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
My milk found all these jokes to be pretty fun. He said they were a-moo-sing!
What did the therapist say to the angry client when their cell phone battery died?
I suggest you find an outlet!
I saw a squirrel bury a nut in my backyard today.
I'm going to swap it for a grilled cheese sandwich and blow his mind.
Green glass globes glow greenly.
I’ve always thought that heck is the only thing hotter than the sun but that has all changed today.
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!
Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?
Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?
Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.
When you cross an orange and a bunny, you will end up with a pip squeak.
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
Is your name Wi-fi? Because I'm really feeling a connection.
People always talk about the 'Eye Of The Tiger'. No one talks about the other four letters.
I don't usually brag about my drum jokes but um...
tss
Roses are red,
I have a phone,
Nobody texts me,
Forever Alone.
Q: Why were the two green pea plants so close?
A: They had deep roots.
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
What is a cat’s favorite state of America? Connecti-cat.
What kind of potatoes are in the best shape? Hash browns; they’re totally shredded!
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.
You want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
It's a-boat time we took a vacation!
You're hotter than sulfuric acid and sugar and you smell twice as sweet.