What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
Q: Why could the fruits not see anything?
A: It was peach black there.
What do you call a greedy ant?
An anteater.
You are my loop condition. I keep coming back to you.
You know what you would look really beautiful in?
My arms.
My cat kept jumping onto my desk.
I had to put him down.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
Wow, you're undeniably exothermic! I bet you get that reaction a lot.
What did the zombie get when she was late to dinner?
The cold shoulder.
I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes
But that's Heinz sight.
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
What does Father Christmas do for his summer holidays? Santa Cruz.
Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.
Why did the tectonic plates break up? It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
“I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley
Why don't boats have funerals?
They have wakes.
What do you think is a frog’s favorite summertime treat?
Hopsicles!
Why did one pineapple invite another to their party? Because they were real piner-pals.
What is the best part of Valentine’s day?
The day after, when all the chocolate goes on sale.
What’s the definition of butter?
An angry goat.
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
"Have an egg-cellent Easter."
What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It’s a pain in the neck.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
When I was in basic training we couldn't have salt or pepper.
Those were reserved for the seasoned veterans.
It’s so hot, when the temperature drops below 95 I start to feel chilly.
My neighbors house got struck by lightning.
It hit close to home.
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
Why could the Italian Chef not unlock his car?
He had Gnocchi.
Which hotel do mice most often use?
The Stilton.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
A bunch of vampire hunters needed to talk
So they scheduled a stakeholders meeting.
"No one betrays a Gemini and gets off without a sound ear-bashing."
— Richard MacDonald
“When I’m under stress, I do yoga. It’s when I’m happiest that I have a problem with junk food.” — Britney Spears
Potatoes have skin. I have skin. Ergo, I am a potato
Love me till ice cream.
What do you call a socialite made of cheese?
Paris Stilton.
Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize? Because he was outstanding in his field.
It’s snow joke.
What do you call donating a chair?
Charity!
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
My dad and I saw this girl with a colorful backpack covered in pot leaves
He turned to me and said "thats a dope backpack". He is catching onto my slang.
How did the witch feel about using her broom to do housework?
She bristled at the suggestion!
The scarecrow won an award because it had been excellent in its field.
Blue and orange are always polite and amicable with each other because they are complementary colors.
What did Papa cabinet advise to his Son cabinet before his first date?
"Just be youshelf"
What the motto of a Boy Scout who got a badge for fixing a bicycle horn?
Beep Repaired!