My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
So, what do you do with an epileptic watermelon? Simple, you make a seizure salad.
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
Q: What do you call a scary berry?
A: A boo-berry.
You can virtually stay in any room. The only one you can’t is the mush-room because it is reserved for fungi.
What do you call a dad joke about skeletons?
A skele-pun!
Are you sure that you’re not a microwave oven? Because, you sure make my heart melt!
What did one horse say to the other after he said he wanted to drop out?
That’s an equestionable decision.
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said 'concentrate'.
How do crabs evade taxes?
They set up shell corporations.
“Dear Mondays, I really think that you should take a holiday. Believe me, no one will even miss you.”
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Why did the ocean leave the party early?
She was getting really tide.
You and I make a deluxe combo.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A piiig!
I tripped in France.
Eiffel over.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
Did you hear about the butcher who sat on his bacon slicer?
He got a little behind in his deliveries.
How does a goblin eat a hotdog?
By goblin it.
I saw a squirrel running in circles in my yard today…
I think it lost its nuts.
Excuse me, can you empty your pockets? I believe you have stolen my heart.
What did the street cheese say after he got attacked by several blades? I've felt grater.
Roses are red,
Violets are yellow,
I’m hoping this poem,
Will get me a fellow
What is the perfect day to go to the beach?
Sun-day!
How can you hear the sounds of a group of dolphins?
Listen to their podcast.
“Love and sausage are alike. Can never have enough of either.”
— Trixie Koontz
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
What cheese should you use to hide a horse? Mascarpone.
I'm investigating the tooth fairy, and it's going well...
I've managed to get a molar into her operation. I'm going to find out the tooth at the root of all this.
What’s the difference between a fly and an eagle?
An eagle can fly but a fly cannot eagle.
Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.
A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?"
The man replies, "Because boiled eggs fall off."
What did the Ocean say to the shore?
Nothing. It just waved.
What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
This is too cliché, dear, but this is what I really feel, I love you to the moon and back.Copy0
When is a turkey scary?
When it's a goblin.
What do zombies say before a fight?
- Do you want a piece of me?
What did mother werewolf say to the naughty boy werewolf?
- We're werewolves, not swear-wolves.
What do you call an italian mosquito?
Malario.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
Talking at the local chocolate factory is frowned on. When I’m there, I need to wispa.
It peels nice to be voted in as the most appeeling model in the contest.
My wife has been giving me a hard time about my drinking. Eventually, I agreed to quit cold turkey.
Never cared for leftovers anyway.
What is the name of the horse that a knight onion rides? They ride a scallion.
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller