Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Why does everyone invite ice cream to the party?
It’s cool.
What do you have left after a pig eats a watermelon?
Pork rinds.
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
Why did the chicken use a bridge to cross the road?
He wanted to take the high way.
Oh, this flower in my hand? I was just showing it how beautiful you are.
I tried out a lactose free diet. I stopped because I couldn’t figure out how to milk the almonds.
What do you call a thirsty bee?
Beehydrated
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
What is the cherry fruit's favorite American talkshow? The Cherry Springer Show of course!
You know those silly hacker movies where they're hacking so hard they type on two keyboards at once?
Such blatant stereo-typing
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”
What do you call a dinosaur that got stuck in the rain?
A driplodocus.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
If I could rearrange the alphabet...
I'd leave it the way it is.
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth theist.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
What's a bipolar person's favorite type of music? Swing.
What's it called when a buffalo turns two hundred years old?
A Bisontennial!
Why do perfumes always hang out in pairs?
Because they don't want to get cologne-ly!
Summer is just floating by.
What did the teenage horse say when her phone broke?
I canter even.
What do you call Dragon with no silver?
A dron.
---
You think dinosaurs are scary?
Imagine dragons!
What do you call it when a giraffe swallows a toy jet?
A plane in the neck.
There was a young man from Lahore
Whose limericks stopped at line four.
When asked why this was,
He responded, "Because."
What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!
What do you call a window that raps? 2PANEZ
My son claims that he identifies as an ancient Greek string instrument.
Frankly, I think he's a lyre.
What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
Why did Frankenstein tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills!
Wondering what crows wear during Halloween, well, they wear caw-stumes.
Why don't skeletons ski the black diamond runs at Copper Mountain?
They've got soul, but they just don't have the heart for it.
A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip. -- Billy Graham
How do spiders communicate? Through the World Wide Web.
Son: Father can you tell me what a solar eclipse is? Father: No sun.
Why are werewolves better than vampires?
Werewolves don’t have a problem with steaks.
How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
After 5 hours sitting in the bar, a man was in no shape to drive, wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 am?", said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture.", the man said.
And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?", the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
Did you hear about the negative nelly who hates German sausage?
He always fears the wurst.
Q: How did the tiger perform during the show?
A: He was a roaring success.
I just saw a huge killer fish singing and playing guitar in the city center.
I think it must be a busking shark.