"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
Did you expect to laugh at puns?
No, but they've groan on me!
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
I think my heart just lagged.
Why was the dung beetle mad at the store clerk?
Because the clerk sold him shampoo.
Flying for long distances is very Boeing at times
It’s so cold fish were jumping out of the ice holes and straight into the frying pan.
Why do chickens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they’d break.
Well well, you’ve John and got my attention for sure
How does an octopus go to war?
Well armed.
What do you call the guy who chooses a suitable fortified Spanish wine?
A Sherry Picker.
What do you call a bodybuilder skeleton?
A musculoskeleton.
A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk the skunk stunk.
Who did the ghost take to prom? His ghoulfriend.
My cows are super confusing. I can’t milk heads or tails of them.
Why did the model bring her lipstick and eye shadow to school?
Because she had a make-up exam!
If you don't focus on learning your lines for the production, I shutter to imagine what the reviewers will snap about.
My favourite jokes are skeleton puns
Why? I find them humorous.
“Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee.” – Demetri Martin
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
Vogue just called; they want to put you on the cover.
It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
How did the farmer mend his pants? With cabbage patches!
What’s a Spanish vampire’s favorite dance?
The Fang-dango.
You must be my coronary artery because you’re wrapped around my heart.
Where do players hide their marijuana?
Between the stash marks.
What's so special about twitter alphabet soup? It only has 140 letters.
According to pig etiquette, piglets are meant to be porcine and not heard.
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
Girl, are you a swimming cap? Because you’re always on my head.
Your name must be Autumn because I am falling for you.
Are you a keyboard? Because you are just my type.
What do whales like to chew?
Blubber gum.
What type of bar is kid friendly?
A chocolate bar.
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns
Did you see the guy with quad-arms play tennis? He has a great four-hand.
How do lumberjacks shut down their computers?.
They log off.
Did you hear that? They're playing our future song on the speakers!
Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
Two crows land on a park bench.
They were arrested for conspiring to murder.
My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.
There once was a man from Peru,
Who had a lot of growing up to do.
He'd ring a doorbell,
then run like hell,
Until the owner shot him with a .22
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
How heavy is a rainbow? It's actually pretty light.