I wood never leaf you.
I’m Hazel-nuts about you
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
Why are geologists never hungry?
They lost their apatite.
Are you a 45-degree angle, because you’re perfect.
What do you call a basin full of denim?
A gene pool!
Did you get your license suspended for driving so many guys crazy?
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
What is the best toothpaste for the brain?
Neural crest.
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
A man who plays golf to forget about work will soon go to work to forget about golf.
I used to think that all radios had antennae, then I realized it was a stereo type.
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose?
Hare spray.
"You had me at merlot."
“Is this the Spanish word for ‘nap’?” She asked, pointing to a word on the page.
“Si, está.”
Computers cannot make good boxers because their bark is worse than their byte.
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
What does the like to parrot wear to the beach? A beak-ini!
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
"Scone be a lot of fun. Wheat love for you to join us."
Where do owls go on their honeymoon?
Their love nest.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
Hey, I just got my flight number. I’m just missing your phone number.
Why will you never meet an ice cream workaholic?
They know how to chill out.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
Tennis is a lot like waiting tables. The most important thing to get right is the first serve.
What would the Egyptian doctor tell to the wife of the Egyptian Pharaoh? He said that she was going to become a mummy.
Do you mind if I slip my rope under your route?
Why does the horse go to school?
It brings her fulfillyment.
Woddy Allen
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra
There was a fight at the fish restaurant last night.
Two haddock got battered.
Once I told a joke about mosquitos...
It was malarious.
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
Your lips look so lonely. Would they like to meet mine?
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
Nothing really mattress.
How does a horse make paper mâché?
With newspaper clip-clop-pings.
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?