What happened to the two gladiator olives?
They were pitted against each other
If you need to share out your to-do list, just be a dele-gator.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer?
Because his wife told him to ice it!
What Do You Call A Cat That Swallows A Duck?
A duck-filled-fatty-pus
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, cows go MOO!
There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
Why was the nice guy such a lousy baseball player?
Because he never got to home base.
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
Why was the gnome just standing over his lawnmower and crying?
Because he hit a rough patch.
What's an owl's favorite Beatles song?
Owl You Need Is Love.
When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.
I wish I was your coronary artery so that I could be wrapped around your heart.
The painter wanted to feel the texture, so he buttered his toast with his fingers.
Did you just swallow a magnet? Because I’m so attracted to you right now.
Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
How did the skeleton know the other skeleton was lying?
He could see right through him.
My dog’s favorite band is The Beagles.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
What do winged horses attend in school? Pegclasses.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought of you, I'd only have a dollar because you never leave my mind.
I hate it when planes don't have free WiFi.
It drives me bored air line crazy.
There’s a new movie out called “The Truck.” I’ve seen the trailer, it looks great.
What did the chemist cowboy tell his horse? HIO Ag!
Why did the girl pour glue into her fishbowl?
She wanted to make a fish stick!
Never date a Theater person...
... wayyy too much Drama...
Got plans for leftovers, yet?
You are my loop condition. I keep coming back to you.
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
What's the best advice to give to a young baseball player?
If you don't suceed at first, try second base.
I’ve never lost a game of football basketball or volleyball!
Though I’ve never played a game either.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Déjà.
Déjà who?
Knock Knock!
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs and hang on the wall?
Curt 'n Rod.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
How do you make holy water?
By boiling the hell out of it.
Who did the Caribbean jerk fall in love with? The Spice Girl next door.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ivan.
Ivan who?
Ivan to do something naughty with you.
I have a heart-on for you.
I would love climbing to the peak of Mount Everest, but I do not see the point.
An innocent fellow named Tim
Met a zombie quite horrid and grim.
Tim patted its head
Before it had fed.
I wonder what happened to him!
I just heard some coyotes outside. I don't want to sleep a lone wolf tonight.
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
Hey son, do you know why the pilgrims ate biscuits at the first Thanksgiving?
Because they had a boatload of May-flour.
"If it's meant to be it's meant to be....but just to be clear it isn't."
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
Emphysema puffs pink, chronic bronchitis makes you blue, but no COPD makes me as breathless as you!