To get to the other tide.
The guy nearly saw a murder when he almost ran over his car over a couple of crows.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!
If I had a nickel for every nickel I have... Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.
It’s so hot chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
A sloth walks in to a bar and waves to get the bartender’s attention, and says I’ll have...... a soda water.
The bartender replies “why the long paws?”
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
My dad used to say "the sky's the limit"
Which is probably why he got fired from his job at N.A.S.A.
What do you call the story of a poor witch that just became a millionaire?
Rags to witches story.
It’s so cold I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.
The ref better give me 2 for hooking, 'cause baby I'm hooked on you.
Will you remember me in a minute?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a week?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a year?
Yes.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
You didn’t remember me!
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
Did you hear about the mother goat telling jokes?
She’s a real kidder.
Are you aware we are headed to the kissing gate?
I steal my eggs from my next door neighbor.
I prefer them poached.
“What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.”
The only type of berry you will ever find in a barn is a straw-berry.
How can you tell where the Easter Bunny left his treasure
Eggs marks the spot.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
Let’s list the froze and cons.
Hey baby, you’ve captured my eye. Could I have it back?
If you’re looking for Valentine’s Day inspiration for a meat loving crush, try “Will you beef my Valentine?”
What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
There's a group of girls that love vampires at my school. I really want to join their fang club.
Love is also like a pineapple: They both are undefinable and sweet.
What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus!
Are you tired? Because you’ve been Aaron-ing through my mind all day
I tried asking some beavers to help me build my house. They didn’t give a dam.
“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown
What side does the zebra have the most stripes on?
The outside.
Hey, Are you made of candy? Because you look sooo sweet!
Oh gosh gal your eyes look like falling stars.
Which films is the car’s favourite?
WiperBlade 1, 2 and Trinity.
Driftin with an attractor like you, baby, is always 'drag free'.
What do dogs increase?
The pup-ulation.
Did you see the display of still-life art? It was not at all moving.
What do football players wear on their heads? Helminth
How can you hear the sounds of a group of dolphins?
Listen to their podcast.
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?
It was too far to swim.
I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice.
Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.
Scientists permit us to see the sun in different light.
What did the Mexican wrestler say after he ate a taco that was too spicy?
“It’s okay, I’ll just guac it off”
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all!
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi