I'm no photographer but I can picture us together.
I have a hiking playlist with songs from the Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.
What is a terrorist's preferred kind of wine?
White Infidel.
Why did the optimist lose his job at the photographic processing lab?
He couldn't focus on the negatives.
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell
People say nothing rhymes with orange. It seems very strange to me.
What did the Catholic Nectarine Priest say to the church? Peach be with you. It was a normal thing to hear from the pul-pit.
My best friend said we're like two peas in a pod. I'm confused, there's only one P in pod.
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
Why did the bat often use mouthwash? She had bat breath.
"It's not me, it's you!"
What do you call an 'O' on fire?
Flamingo.
What types of plants do you get after you plant kisses? Tulips.
A con artist is an artist who draws pictures of criminal suspects.
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
What did the apple say to the almond? You're Nuts!
When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.
What’s the healthiest piece of furniture?
The vege-table
Hey, baby. I'm calling myself Han because you need to be Solo.
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
These decorations are tree-mendous.
I loaf you.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!
A little less conversation, a little more action please.
Q: What made the green pea turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing.
I woke up this morning and saw two birds sitting in the sun in my backyard, eating ice cream.
They were Basking Robins.
In case of an emergency, pull down the zipper on my pants.
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
Are you a barista? I like you a latte
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
There was an Old Man of the Dee,
Who was sadly annoyed by a flea;
When he said, 'I will scratch it,'
They gave him a hatchet,
Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee.
Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you Count Dracula.
What did the llama say when he was invited to the picnic?
Alpaca lunch.
What do you call a hairy beast that no longer exists?
A were-wolf!
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
— Winston Churchill
What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?
No ballroom.
A pilot friend of mine took the flight exam and flew past a rainbow. No wonder, he passed with flying colors.
Do you have a Band-Aid? I just scraped my knee falling for you.
Why’d you dress up as a princess, when you could have simply come in plain clothes as the most beautiful girl at the Halloween party?
Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!
There was an Old Man who supposed,
That the street door was partially closed;
But some very large rats,
Ate his coats and his hats,
While that futile old gentleman dozed.
Why would a judge make a good tooth fairy?
Because they want the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.
I don’t know what I’d do without you, but starting tomorrow I’m going to give it a try.
I’m not drunk, I’m just intoxicated by you.
If I could change the periodic table, I would put Uranium and Iodine next to each other.
What do you call corn with red, white and blue kernels?
Americorn.
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero