A captain was barking at his crew. "What do you think is between yer ears!?"
"Eye Eye, Captain!"
Baby, I would trade the entire candy bar in the world for you.
What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird?
A feather boa.
My wife left me because I'm so insecure
No wait.. She's back! She was just getting coffee
Hey, I would like to introduce my Crouching Tiger to your Hidden Dragon.
This autumn, the garden told the mower to leaf him alone in peace.
How did Sam win the talent show? Sam-sung.
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
I know you’ve turned me down before, but I’m asking for an extra shot.
Did you hear of the story of the tornado? There is a twist at the end.
I’d be Ryan if I said you weren’t cute
The day we met I still remember so clear,
My heartbeat with love as you came near,
Please know that I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary,
But please don’t make me take a test on our love history!
Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?
A saber tooth tiger would never blow anything up.
But a dino might.
In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
Hey Anna, how about you Anna I grab a drink sometime?
"Summer- the time when parents realize how underpaid teachers actually are"
"On cloud wine."
Why did the other volleyball team bow? Because they heard that the queens of the court were there.
My friend sailed his yacht into the wharf very rapidly, crashing into the dock and causing a dent in the hull.
It's just a berth mark, he swears.
How old was the cave man on his birthday?
Stone Age.
What’s the definition of butter?
An angry goat.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
A man entered his house and was absolutely delighted when he discovered someone had stolen every lamp in his house.
What do you call a turkey whizzing through the air past your head because the oven exploded?
Fast food.
I was not allowed to do my stand up act at the mushroom comedy show. I guess I am not a fungi.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
Its not the length of the vector that counts, its how you apply the force.
Help!!! There's nobody steering this yacht!!
Don't worry. It's on yachtopilot.
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
May I tie your shoe?
Because I can't have you fall for anyone else.
Q. Which US city holds the record for suicidal gorillas jumping off skyscrapers?
A. Fall-Adelphia.
What do you call it when a cheese goes #2?
Fondue-due.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
When does it start to rain money?
When there is change in the weather.
Dr. Frankenstein must have been pretty buff.
He was a bodybuilder, after all.
What kind of musical instrument do mice play? A mouse organ! Why do mice have long tails? Well, they'd look silly with long hair!
My dad always used to tell me, "Never put all your eggs in one basket."
Which is probably why we lost the Easter egg hunt.
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran
Did you hear that the police arrested a pair of vampires?
They got them on two Counts of robbing a blood bank!
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
Remind me not to get into another pillow fight... the risk for a concushion is too big.
Why are cats scared of trees?
Because of their bark.
Love at frost sight!
Your ass is so nice, it's a shame you have to sit on it.
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost
Roses are red,
Violets are too,
I’m colorblind,
What about you?
What’s the best thing to put in a donut?
Your teeth.
What did the crow decide to dress up as on Halloween? As a scarecrow.