What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
Happy birthday to someone old enough to go vintage shopping in their own closet.
Why did the T-Rex eat hamburgers? Because he is a meat eater!
The young woman decided to become a professional baker. She realized that it could help her earn her bread and butter.
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
What do cats read in the morning? The mewspaper!
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
How did the hipster drown?
He ice-skated before it was cool.
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Abby.
Abby who?
Abby birthday to you!
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln
Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.
What’s the best view you can get in our galaxy? A view of the milky way from mars.
What do you call a 2D fairy?
Pixie-lated.
He apologized for driving the orange to the edge of the blade
Q: What is a dentist's favorite animal?
A: A molar bear!
My professor accused me of plagiarizing.
His words, not mine.
“When I’m under stress, I do yoga. It’s when I’m happiest that I have a problem with junk food.” — Britney Spears
What is a polar bear’s favorite food?
Iceberg lettuce and snow peas.
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
“Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”
– Unknown
What do you call Bears without ears
B.
Honestly, I'm into necrophilia. Wanna come home and play dead?
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake?
“What’s eating you?”
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
What happened to the skier who was injured the the top of the peak?
It's been all downhill from there.
"I now pronounce you dumped and single. You may now kiss my ass."
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
What sound do 8 sheep make?
Octo-bah.
The Earth without 'art'...
....is 'EH'
What do you call a storm that's raining cats and dogs?
A furricane
What happened when a faucet, a tomato and lettuce were in a race? The lettuce was ahead, the faucet was running and the tomato was trying to ketchup.
“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
With the nice warm weather last weekend, a neighbor was enthusiastically diggin' in the dirt planting his garden!
He was so excited about it, he wet his plants.
What's the opposite of urine?
I'm out.
How do you keep a dog from smelling?
You hold its nose.
Do you know what's on the menu tonight, girl?
Me 'n' U.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital? He felt crummy!
I went to the butcher's the other day and asked them, how do you prepare your turkey for Thanksgiving?
They said that they just tell them straight out that you're gonna die.
I think we'd grow a great organic garden together.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
I do not like lotion at all.
It really gets under my skin.
Wanna see a magic trick? Abrakadabra, you're single now.
Why can’t people without feet have dairy products? They lactose.
Pepperoni is red, cheese is food
I like pizza
How about you?
(Justin Worthy)