I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
Did you hear the one about the apathetic vegetable?
It didn't carrot all.
Why was the sweet potato too shy to ask out the russet potato? Because he was a real spud.
A beaver told a joke about a waterfall. It was a pour joke.
Where does a pineapple and cucumber vacation? Somewhere tropical (tro-pickle).
Hey baby are you a boxer? You should try it, because your one hell of a knock out!
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
What is the first thing that gorillas learn at kindergarten?
Apey Cee's?
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
If I said I'd like to score on you tonight would you think I was being too forward?
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet.
“Apologizing in advance for the things I say this winter.”
Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
Which tooth did Avogadro have pulled?
One of his mole-ars
What do birds like to put in their soup? Crow-tons.
I like my girls how I like my Covid.
19 and easily spread.
What kind of turkey grows on a tree? Poultry.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.
“How was your day? ” “It was tater-ible”
Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Me: No.
Judge: *(covers mic)* What do I do?
In the 1970s, hippies loved going to a Grateful Dead concert and getting toasted. That’s certainly the truth.
Twinkle twinkle little bore.
Close your mouth, it's not a door.
You are just as cold as ice,
It is you that I despise.
If you were a burger at McDonald's, you'd be named McStunning.
The day after your birthday,
you look in the mirror to see:
a) you've got a zit from eating all that cake;
b) your love handles have expanded a half inch;
c) you singed your eyebrows blowing out the candles.
The day after your birthday,
a) you require six extra hours of sleep;
b) you can't find your living room under the birthday debris;
c) you wonder how you could possibly have done THAT.
The day after your birthday, it's time to:
a) return some gifts (what IS that, anyway?);
b) call your friends and apologize for yesterday;
c) get out of the country, fast.
The day after your birthday...
we should all look so great
and have it so good!
Happy Birthday!
Appreciate yourself and your life!
(Joanna Fuchs)
What do you call a parrot that flew away?
A polygon.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
You rocket.
What happened when the koala tripped and fell in a crowded restaurant? He got embearassed.
What did the computer say to the other after a 16 hour car ride?
"That was a hard drive."
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Bruce
Bruce who?
I Bruce easily, don't hit me!
There's a microchip you can transplant into your brain to boost your memory
You should keep that in mind.
when I’m with you.
I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.
My neighbor came over to say,
Although not in a neighborly way,
That he'd knock me around,
If I didn't stop the sound,
Of the classical music I play.
Don’t give into beer pressure.
You're spicier than Sriracha.
A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip. -- Billy Graham
There once was a girl named Sue.
She came down with the case of the flu.
She let out a sigh,
"My temperature is high,
what ever shall I do?
Oh my! Oh my!
I think I will die.
What ever shall I do?"
So, she stumbled out of bed.
"I know I'll take some meds.
If this the flu,
I take an aspirin or two.
Then I'll drink some broth and some juice.
Oh my! Oh my!"
she began to cry.
"I think this is acute."
So, she grumbled back to bed
and pulled the covers over her head.
She let out a sneeze,
a cough and a wheeze.
"Won't someone help me, please?
Oh my! Oh my!
Will I survive
the case of the crazy flu?"
So, she finally fell asleep.
She slept and slept for a week.
She tossed and turned,
her symptoms have passed.
Her temperature normal at last.
"Oh my! Oh my!
I think I survived
this case of the crazy flu."
How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.
What happened when a man practiced archery near some stationary planes? They ended up very arrow-dynamic.
You have one compact set.
The pool water isn’t very hot but you sure are.
Why did the optimistic electrician lose his job?
He kept on turning negatives into positives.
Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking
How are you still so fat when you've been running in my mind for so long?
Q: How did the tiger perform during the show?
A: He was a roaring success.
What's a baby gherkin's favorite TV channel?
Pickleodeon.
What do you get when you cross a tiger and a snowman? Frost-bite!
"My day just went from super to sip-erb, real quick."