How do you upset a dinosaur? Touchasaurus Spot.
Are you the black line at the bottom of the pool? Cause I can’t tear my eyes away from you.
I surprised the judges at my last diving competition by performing a cannonball.
I made a huge splash.
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
John, look me in the eyes. All of my life I needed a strong, good looking, confident man and you
are the one who can help me find someone like that.
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
If you were a math test, I would cheat on you.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
Why was the broom late? It over swept!
I'd catalog you with the cookbooks because you look delicious.
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye? Doyouthinkhesawus
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
What do you get when you plant a Donut?
A pastree.
Was the koala able to complete the grueling 26-mile marathon? Bearly.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
What did the bear say when her date showed up too early?
I’ll be out in a minute, I’m bearly dressed.
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
What do you call it when a panda eats all of your tall grass?
Bamboozled!
What do mountain climbers share around the campfire?
Goat Stories!
The word Gnome is a corruption of the Latin word Genomus or earth dweller.
In other words, it's a misgnomer.
What is the most effective way to cook a crocodile?
In a croc pot.
Why couldn't the man 3D printing his face control his excitement?
He was getting a head of himself
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
interrupting doctor.
interr…
You've got cancer.
I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.
Funny chemistry puns always get a good reaction.
My dad refused to accept that he was not hiking in a mountain called Mt. McKinley
He was in Denali.
Mr. Tongue Twister tried to train his tongue to twist and turn, and twit an twat, to learn the letter "T".
Where do snowmen keep their money? In snow banks.
If a woman with big breasts works at Hooters, where does someone with one leg work?
IHOP.
My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
That is not a good sign.
People call my obsession with the afterlife, suicidal. Truth be told,
I'm dying to find out if there is life after death.
What do you call a condiment with a hit single? a must"heard"
What did the lemon juice say to the baking soda?
Ya basic!
What did the pun say to his annoying colleague?
You're being pun-reasonable right now!
This relationship is kinda like the Superbowl LIII halftime show; I can’t wait for it to be over.
Are you a locksmith? Because you hold the key to my heart.
What do you call an onion that is very valuable to jewelers? You call it a pearl onion.
Suzie Seaword's fish-sauce shop sells unsifted thistles for thistle-sifters to sift.
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? A hot, diggety dog.
What’s a whale’s favorite James Bond movie?
A License To Krill.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
Q: What kind of decisions do peaches make?
A: Fruitful ones.
How did the horse make payments?
In in-stallion-ments.
Party Host: Would you like to try some mulled wine?
Party Guest: I'll have to think it over...
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
Why do comedians hate telling jokes at zombie night?
All they hear is groans.