What happens when and ice cube gets angry?
It boils with anger, then lets off some steam.
I almost brought a screwdriver to the football game, but was stopped by security
They said that match-fixing isn't allowed.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
Why don't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is
The pineapple is pining for the summer.
Why do plants hate math?
Because it gives them square roots.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commentater!
“I really regret going to a Yoga class today… said no one ever.” — Unknown
How do you describe a polite german lemon?
Bitte(r)
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
"You know, one would have been enough."
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift. Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
Artists know how to draw the line, so you can't really peer pressure them.
“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson
What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
What day to eggs hate the most?
Fry-day.
Are you a keyboard? Because you are just my type.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
What type of underwear does a yard wear?
Lawngerie.
What do you call someone who lost her Marital arts tournament?
Divorced.
"Be kind, re-wine."
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.
Q: Why do peas dislike noisy eaters?
A: Because they want peas and quiet.
what do you call the smaller rivers that run into the nile?
The juveniles
What did the angry brain say to the nociceptor?
"You're a real pain."
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
I take it that you are the captain of the sun.
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
Why did the bat often use mouthwash? She had bat breath.
I saw you on Spotify so thought to text you. You were in the hottest singles this week.
"Whenever I See"
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
Q: Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
A: To the peach.
"Aloe you vera much."
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
"You could be drinking whole [milk] if you wanted to."
- Napoleon Dynamite (2004)
What did the dolphin do to the woman who was rude to it?
Flipper off!
Why don’t skeletons do well at sports?
Because they have no skin in the game!
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
What do you call someone who steals from the keebler elves? A crook-ie
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
What is in the middle of dinosaurs ? The letter "s"!
Why did the balloon burst? Because is saw a lolly pop.
How does a Man cut his hair on the moon? Eclipse it.
Hi! Tell me a funny story about your dog. I know you've got one.
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
What’s a whale’s favorite James Bond movie?
A License To Krill.
What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!
What do fish and women have in common? They both stop shaking their tale after you catch them!