What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pitbull.
I was at the beach and saw this guy in the water yelling, “Help, shark! Help!
I just laughed because I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
I had a goat’s cheese pizza the other day.
He wasn’t happy.
What do koalas do when they see social injustice happening in the world? They fight for ekoalaty!
What did the tornado say to the washing machine?
Want to go for a spin?
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position!
Why did the Buddhist gorilla get locked out of his monastery?
He forgot his monk-key
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I’d have a cow pie in my eye.
I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
What did the skeleton order for lunch? Spare ribs!
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
What happens if you break the brain scanner?
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
Did you hear about the flatmate who woke up to a spicy toothbrush? He had it cumin.
What do you call a reindeer ghost? A cari-boo!
There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who just simply lived on gherkins.
In spite of advice,
She ate so much spice,
That she ruined her internal working's.
What do you get if you cross a chicken with an alarm?
An alarm cluck.
Q. Which US city holds the record for suicidal gorillas jumping off skyscrapers?
A. Fall-Adelphia.
What pizza do dogs eat?
Puperoni.
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced?
It's a buccaneer
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
A synonym for cinnamon is a cinnamon synonym.
I'm no sandman, but I can take you to cotton candy land.
What would a pineapple say to a pineapple pie? You have some crust.
I wrote a song to memorialize the man killed when a piano fell down a mine shaft.
It's in A flat minor.
I wanted to do some research on organs in biology, but I had no WiFi and couldn't find the information I wanted.
I wound up using cellular.
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary
Why did the pun fail his English class?
He didn't use proper pun-ctuation!
What is a cat’s favorite Tom Hanks character? Furrest Gump.
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
My love is like a fractal. It goes on forever!
In this day and age of technological breakthroughs, we surely can’t be far from a country song where a guy’s self-driving truck leaves him too.
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
What do you call a punctual citrus fruit?
A Clockwork Orange.
What do you call a tariff on skin?
A tax-a-dermis!
A boy ghost thought a girl ghost was cute so he asked if she would be his ghoul-friend.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
Q. What do you call an entertaining gorilla eating a banana?
A. Ape peeling.
I stole seven crows yesterday.
Got away with murder.
What do you call a whirlwind winter romance?
Love at frost sight!
I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.
Why did the kid keep falling off his bike? It had a banana seat.
Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.
What do you call a herd of undead llamas?
The zombie alpacalypse.
Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one says “Oh, my God, I’ve lost an electron!” The other says “Lost an electron! Are you sure?” and the first replies “Yes, I’m positive!”
Baby, you've bought yourself a cruise on the Love Boat. I'll be your captain.