What did the seal with a broken arm say to the shark?
"Do not consume if seal is broken."
What do you get when you cross a fawn with a bumblebee?
Bambee.
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
What did the painter say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster you!
I took my dog's bone away from him.
She was fur-rious.
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
What is brown and sticky?
A stick!
There is nothing impaws-sible if you’re as brave as a tiger!
Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?
For the lute.
I am a huge fan of local cuisine, and cooking is my soup-er power!
What is the chemical formula of the molecules in sweets? Carbon-holmium-cobalt-lanthanum-tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
A green ogre came up to me and began saying how stressed he was/
I said, "You're a nervous Shrek."
You never realize how time flies when you are not wearing a watch on a plane.
Don't talk to him before he's had his espresso or he'll lose his tamper.
What do you call a turtle chef?
A slow cooker.
What’s a whale’s favorite James Bond movie?
A License To Krill.
How does the weather tie its shoes? Witha rainbow!
Are you a stop watch? Because our time is up.
"I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."
- Neil Armstrong.
What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
What's the most popular American cheese sitcom? Curd Your Enthusiasm
Hold me tight dear and I promise to send all my loving to you.
What do you call a fast broomstick?
A vroom-stick.
What do you call a very active hydra?
Hydradynamic.
Your beauty is blinding.
What is a ghoul's favorite soup?
Ghoul-ash.
What was the ice cream cone’s naughty pick up line?
Wanna lick me?
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
Somehow they knew I wanted champagne. It was chilling.
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.
What happened to the wooden car with a wooden engine and wheels? It wooden go at all.
Why do worms taste like chewing gum?
Because they’re wrigleys!
What did one cheese tell the other cheese on Valentine’s day?
Brie mine.
How did the hotdog overcome his fear of ketchup? He mustered up the courage.
What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
The xylobone.
A famous turtle is called a shell-ebrity.
We fit together like a gitch in a wedgie.
Did you hear about the colorful sea cow?
Oh the hue-manatee!!!
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
Your eyes look like dark black holes, buI can't help but to be drawn in.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
Why are alligators long and green?
Because if they were small and red, they would be tomatoes.
What do you call a truck-load of tortoises crashing into a train-load of terrapins?
A turtle disaster.
"I don't tan. I burn"
Chuck Norris can beat his reflection at rock paper scissors.
Irish puns are the most O'ffensive.