"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
Q. What do you get when a swine artist mixes two colors together?
A. Pigment.
The heavier you are the more people are attracted to you
At least in physics.
Why do pumpkins never quarrel? Because they have no stomach for fighting.
There are lots of funny jokes about mushrooms that can give you stitches. However, you need to be patient enough because they need time to grow on you.
When can three giant dinosaurs get under an umbrella and not get wet? When it's not raining!
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
You are more beautiful then all the fireworks tonight.
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
Octopus: [holding a gun in each hand]
Cat: You're one short buddy.
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
French onion soup.
Are you related to the sun? Because running into you just brightened up my day!
How did the pines and firs end their war? With a tree-ty.
What do you call a girl watermelon cop on the beat? A water fe-melon duty.
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
I was waiting at the hotel's lobby when the WiFi was disconnecting from time to time.
I really hated that reception.
Hey, let's hold a costume party. You can be a bank, and I can be alone!
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
The cawllarborne of the skinny crow was so pronounced.
Why did the blonde skier only wear one boot?
Channel 7's weatherman said there was a 50% chance of snow.
It's so cold that lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.
I was hiking in mountains the other day and a big cat started attacking me
Man, I puma pants
Who did the Caribbean jerk fall in love with? The Spice Girl next door.
Hey lady, I'm like the sun, I go down every night.
What does an onion say when you are upset because of it one day? It says, "I am sorry that I made you cry!"
A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.
After I show a peach the way, it says: “I really ap-peach-iate your help!”
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
I allow myself only one donut per year.
This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.
Why did the fish cross the road? Cause it was hooked!
What does a gingerbread man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet!
Are you an overdue book? Because you have fine written all over you!
How does a Ghost say good-bye? - I can’t wait to seance you again.
What do kids play when they can’t play with a phone?
Bored games.
Why wasn’t the pig chosen in the football/soccer team?
It was a ball hogger.
Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
I put some salt on my mobile. Now it’s a saxaphone.
Who needs luck? I have charm.
"If it's meant to be it's meant to be....but just to be clear it isn't."
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Honeybee.
Honeybee who?
Honeybee a dear and open the door, please.
Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious.
My psychiatrist sent me for an MRI because she thinks I have a magnetic personality.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then just hung up.
I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Do you celebrate Boxing Day? Because you're the whole package.
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
when I smelled breakfast in the morning it was bacon me eggcited.
I heard the King of spain caught Covid...
Heard he tested positive while on his plane going somewhere, now he has to quarantine there.
So the Reign in Spain remains solely on the Plane.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault