Baby you could even make the Cold War hot!

What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.

There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy

Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.

What do you give to a sick lemon?
lemonaid.

When is a turkey scary?
When it's a goblin.

Your skin is smoother than the finest panna cotta.

“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry

Are you tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day with a frisbee in your mouth.

How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.

A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.

"Don’t Be Silly"

Are there bugs that live on the moon?
Can July come before June?
Can the sun ever feel cold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.

Why can’t we live under the sea?
The creatures there seem so happy.
Why does cheese look like gold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.

So why are things the way they are?
Has it always been, right from the start?
Will Mickey Mouse ever get old?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.

So in good time I know I’ll grow,
And I will learn, this I know.
I’ll ask my questions and be bold,
“And that’s not silly” I’ll be told.

– Dave Moran

What do fish take to stay healthy?
Fish take Vitamin Sea to stay healthy!

Roses are red,
Violets are too,
I’m colorblind,
What about you?

What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion

What do you get when you mix a sheep and a kangaroo
A wooly jumper

Which side of a penguin has the most feathers?
The outside.

“There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.”
– Kristen Chandler

Zebras usually hold strong opinions. They are very black and white creatures.

Is that the Dog star? You can’t be Sirius!

Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.

You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.

Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.

(Kevin Nishmas)

What do you call a maternal Turkish robot water weasel?
An Ottoman otter-mom automaton.

Have you ever seen a catfish? No, how did he hold the rod and reel?

How do you know flowers are capable of kissing?
They have tulips.

What do you call an alert ant?
Vigil-ant.

What did the cheese say to the other cheese? I smell something swiss-picious!

"What do tofu and a dildo have in common?" "They are both meat substitutes!"

I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."

Oxygen went on a date with potassium last night.
It went OK.

What do ponies look for in a vehicle?
Lots of horsepower.

If you want a loyal marriage, get hitched to a basketball player. He will never pass you, rather he will keep you all to himself.

Which vegetable is the most qualified?
Qualiflower.

"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller

Gold riddance.

Only a**holes use bidets.

Other people had drugs in school, but I brought Greek cheeses.
That way I could have math and feta cheese.

Are you a beaver? Because I like your tail.

“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”

- Delia Ephron

"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."

“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw

I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.

"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu

Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.

The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”

“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”

- Penelope Lombard.

My keyboard fell apart today.
I feel like I'm losing Ctrl of everything.

It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.

Whenever I’m in France I always start the day with a bowl of mushrooms...
Breakfast of champinions