What is suns favourite chocolate bar?
A milky way
What do you call a rapper working at Cold Stone? Scoop Dogg.
Do you know why no one has ever been sentenced for crimes committed on the moon?
Because it's a gray area.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
What happened when the beer got divorced?
It became bitter.
Why does Mr. Potato need a cell phone? Incase Mr. Onion Rings.
What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
You're a beluga in this sea of cod.
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
Q: How does a butcher keep his tent up in a strong winds?
A: With steaks!
Tell me of this thing you humans call... (dramatic pause) love.
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
The sun is mad at the clouds because the clouds keep throwing shade.
That Kenyan black smells wonderful! May I try it? Normally I stick to English Breakfast, but I’m always open to experimenting.
Heaven called, they're missing an Angel.
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
A man has been arrested in South Africa for shooting a giant chess set
What's wrong with those big game hunters?!
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.
You are pitcher perfect.
What the difference between you and a calendar? a calendar has dates.
If you had fifteen cows and five goats what would you have?
Plenty of milk.
I went to see the Liberty Bell the other day.
It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
What did one leaf say to the other leaf?
I’ve fallen for you.
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
Which side of a koala bear has the most fur? The outside!
Why did the vampire need mouthwash? Because he had bat breath.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
What do you call royal pineapple? Your pine-ness.
I have bean
thinking about you.
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
Do you know what my shirt is made of? Boyfriend material!
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
St. Patrick’s is all about the pursuit of hoppiness!
What do elves learn when they go to school?
The elf-abet.
Famous mermaid saying: Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
What does a dragon eat with his soup? Firecrackers.
What is the most sophisticated class of bread?
The upper crust.
Q: What did the tooth say to the dentist as she was leaving?
A: Fill me in when you get back
A truck carrying ladders crashed on the road. The cargo has spilled over, but police are taking steps to clear the area.
What did the boss say to his pizza during their meeting?
There’s mushroom for improvement.
"Doctors are always working to preserve our health and cooks to destroy it, but the latter are the more often successful." - Denis Diderot
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
What do you call a book that's about the brain? A mind reader.
What do polar bears have for lunch?
Ice burgers.
I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.
Now my jaw’s all methed up.
“Remember: don’t eat the yellow snow.”