TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.
Baby, the Millennium Falcon isn't the only thing that does it in less than 12 parsecs.
What is Santa's favorite breakfast food? Snow-flakes.
Ah! The element of surprise.
Why does cheese look normal? Because everyone else on the plate is crackers.
My dad just told be a cool joke about drums
I thought I’d snare it with you guys
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport puns.
I think it may be terminal
Your name must be Candy- cuz you look so sweet.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
“Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.”
— Jennifer Elisabeth
Mix a box of mixed biscuits with a boxed biscuit mixer.
Where do zombies go sailing?
Lake Eerie.
The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
What do you call a guitar used to play pool?
A cue stick.
One bowl of soup said to the other, "Hello Broth-er".
Where do the astronauts park their vehicles? At the parking meteors.
If you golf on election day…
Be sure to cast an absent-tee ballot.
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
You were mauled by a gang of squirrels. You want to sue them but no lawyer wants to take your case. Why?
They think you are nuts.
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson
Fall is coll-arding; it’s time to leave.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
A weeping camel is known as a humpback wail.
You snow the drill.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s sea salt.
I really hope corona virus can't spread through s*x
It would be so lonely being the last man on Earth.
How does an octopus go to war?
Well armed.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
Are you a unicorn cause you are my fantasy.
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
Why are elves so cold at Christmas?
Because it's in Decembrrrrr.
A beaver's experience in college deep-ends on if they go to the best university.
What are crisp, like milk and go 'eek, eek, eek' when you eat them? Mice Krispies!
My girlfriend wants to open a yoga studio, even though she currently cannot afford it.
I told her it's a bit of a stretch.
She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.
What do you call an turkey with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.
What kind of computer does a worm have? A Macintosh.
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
If your mom slaps you with high frequency -
It Hertz
“It is a grave error to assume that ice cream consumption requires hot weather.”
- Anne Fadiman
Who did Prince Mushroom fall in love with at the royal ball? - Chanterella!
Cutting my arms was the best descision I've ever made
Hands down.